♪♪ [ Electricity crackling ]
-Hi! I am Dutch. -[Laughing]
Happy New Year, everyone! It's 2020!
-"Holy -- Oh, my. Really?" -"She got bars!"
-"Put it back, put it back, put it back, put it back."
-"Guess who's out there tonight!
[ Laughter ] Guess who's out there tonight!"
[ Laughter ]
You got me. You got me.
-I was wondering how you feel about the impression.
What is it like seeing yourself on "Saturday Night Live"?
How do you feel Kate's doing?
-You know, I have to say she is really fabulous.
Elect me president of the United States,
and we get eight more years of Kate McKinnon
-Eight more years of Kate McKinnon. -on "Saturday Night Live."
[ Cheering and applause ] -I played John Kerry and I think
it worked against him. Yeah. -See?
[ Laughter ] I think it worked
against him. -Yeah. I just gotta say, Seth,
I know John Kerry.
You're no Kate McKinnon.
[ Laughter ]
-That's very -- That is very fair.
[ Cheering and applause ]
Mr. Steyer, what happens every year
when pumpkin spice lattes come back?
-White people lose control.
[ Laughter and applause ]
You gave an act of kindness at the after-party.
You actually got and rapped at the after-party.
-Oh, yes. See, what had happened was
I had been drinking some more because my feet was hurting.
So then, you know, when your feet hurt --
-So it was medicinal. -Yeah, that's medicinal.
You know, I didn't have -- I didn't have
the CBD for the feet. That had wore off.
[ Laughter ] -Right.
-So, then, I had smoked with Snoop Dogg,
and then, I had --
-Oh, my God. [ Cheering and applause ]
Senator Klobuchar, I heard you put a lock
on your campaign office restroom,
so you're the only one who can use it.
Where do you make your staff go to the bathroom?
-In a coffee can in the basement.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-I feel like we both feel the same about the summer
and we feel the same about the beach.
Are you a fan?
-Could not loathe it more.
-Yeah. -Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
I just don't see
why anybody would be on that surface!
And then there's the water!
What is -- What is up with that?
It's cold! -Yeah.
-Who goes in cold water?
Why?! Why are you going in cold water?!
-Some would argue -- -How does that feel good?
If there was grass, okay? -Yeah.
-And the ocean, maybe, once in a blue Moon.
-Right. There, you got a lake.
You've just described a lake.
-The lake is a beautiful thing.
-Oh, there's no downside.
[ Suspenseful theme plays ] [ Cheering and applause ]
President Trump took questions at the White House today
and decided to whine about the fact
that no one gives him credit for giving up
his presidential salary.
Trump tried to say that he donates the money
to good causes, like fighting the opioid epidemic,
but it didn't quite come out the right way.
-For instance, I give up my salary.
It's $450,000, approximately $450,000,
the presidential salary.
I give it up. It goes to--
usually, I give it to drugs.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-I don't think that's how you wanna phrase that.
You give it to drugs?
Which drugs do you give it to?
Are they downers?
Is that why you always look like you just
downed a bottle of Benzo's during a gas leak?
[ Laughter ]
In a rambling speech in which he claimed credit
for ending a crisis he started, bragged about US military might,
announced crushing new sanctions on Iran,
lied about the intelligence that led to the assassination
of Soleimani, and then urged the world
to strike a new peace deal with Iran.
The speech itself was as dizzying as Trump's entrance,
when the doors opened and he emerged from...
a spaceship?
[ Laughter ]
[ Fresh laughter and applause ]
I mean, look at him. He looks like Mr. Burns
with radiation poisoning. [ Laughter and applause ]
-I never swear on TV,
but if I get anywhere near a swear word,
it's like the antennae go up,
-Oh, wow. -the whole family responds,
I have to answer to everybody.
-Every now and then, I would recommend
just droppin' an F-bomb
to make sure they're still watching.
[ Laughter ] -Exactly!
Hey, Mom! You still there? -[Laughing]
-Hey, Senator Warren, you've been quoted as saying
that HBO's "Ballers" is your favorite show.
How do you feel when you watch Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson?
-Sometimes, um,
I get really worked up.
[ Laughter ]
And sometimes I get a little hot.
[ Fresh laughter and applause ]
You call that a Greek salad?
Two substitutions, at best.
"Quinoa and chicken and take this out and take that out."
What are you doing?
-I get the salad all the time.
-You don't get it all the time!
She gets it all the time!
She's the one who has to go and be humiliated
by telling them all these ridiculous items that you want.
Right? You don't enjoy doing that, do you?
-I look like a dick. [ Laughter ]
-Mayor Buttigieg, what's the recipe for Coors Light?
-The mixture of contempt and pity.
[ Laughter ]
-"Moby Dick" is a book by Melville.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah. -Mopey dick is
you're not gettin' none and your life --
It feels as though your life is over.
You can't tap no ass, [ Laughter ]
-Yeah, yeah, yeah. -and your dick is mopin'.
[ Laughter ]
Mopey Dick.
-Mr. Yang, what's your favorite euphemism for taking a leak?
-Go shake the money tree in the wine cave.
[ Laughter and applause ] -Never heard --
Never heard that one.
-You do this every day.
This is what excites you? -Yeah, yeah.
[ Laughter ]
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