I thought I was like, maybe crazy for a really long time
so I didn't really tell anyone.
And I'd be trying to scream but I couldn't.
It's like having a waking nightmare.
Years & Years have been called the most important pop band of our time
and the truth is it's probably not because they've topped charts and headlined arenas.
No, since Years & Years launched their lead singer Olly Alexander has become
one of the most vocal and visible gay performers in a very small field.
He's spoken out about LGBTI rights and mental health issues
include opening up about his own fairly full-on experiences.
And today on the verge of their new album we've come somewhere very cold
on the outskirts of London to talk.
I know music's been a part of your life since day dot pretty much
but I was actually curious about the moment you realised you could create it.
As in you could make a song and it was something that people enjoyed listening to.
Umm...
Well, when I was 10 years old
I made a original song for our school assembly
like a show and tell assembly vibe.
I was so uncomfortable in my own skin but when you're on stage or when you're performing
you can kind of embody this kind of other identity,
and sort of feel a bit outside of yourself.
Like kind of stronger and funnier and sexier and
I mean I'm not thinking about that when I'm 10 years old
But, do you know what I mean? It's kind of like...
But the stronger, putting on another personality on the stage,
it's empowered inherently by being on the stage.
I think so.
And also like school environments were like
it was quite a tough place for me.
Like I was bullied and I was picked on because other kids would call me gay
and I didn't really know that I was gay at that point.
But the drama class or the music room or whatever was like where
you know, the kids who might not necessarily have been good at sports
or been popular, like really excelled you know
like you could be your freaky self in the drama room
and that's what I liked.
If you grow up and you hear people use the term gay as a derogatory term
what goes through your head when you start to realise that you actually are?
You're so young when you're developing an awareness of what your sexuality is
and for the first instance for you to sort of come into contact with it
is for someone else to be bullying you with it.
I think it instantly creates this very like, difficult relationship with your own sexuality.
Your own identity.
It's under siege before you even realise it's your own identity.
Yeah, so for I think I just felt like
I was just like 'please don't let me be gay.'
I just don't want it to happen.
I was like, after everything else
Like I already get teased for looking like a girl.
I wear makeup to school.
But just don't let me be gay!
How long did it take you to make your peace with it?
Umm...to be honest, touring the world as an out, gay musician literally standing on a stage full of thousands
of people, I don't know, it does something to you.
Because in the back of mind I'd always be like, maybe they'll throw bottles at me,
which did happen a couple of times, but I'd get booed of stage for being too camp, too fem --
Really?
That's always in my head I think, because of an internalised sort of shame thing.
But I saw how supportive people are.
That really made me really examine my relationship with my own sexuality and I think then I came out the other
side and now I feel so blessed to be gay and I feel happy.
But I'm still constantly getting people being a bit like, "Hmm...he's a bit gay. Olly's being a bit gay again."
You know? It's like still, you know?
So it's like, whatever.
But that's what makes Olly unique, right?
Yeah, I know.
That makes me want to be more gay.
Whatever that means.
I've watched you over the last couple of years talk about mental health and the help that you sought,
and the impact it's had on people.
Why was it important to talk about it in public in the first place?
Why is it important that the people that watch you, that follow you, that care about your career
understand that, that's a component of who you are?
Because...we got media training after we signed our record deal.
Which is this weird situation where someone comes and tells you how to answer questions in interviews.
And things to look out for and stuff.
Oh, yeah.
We talked about my sexuality and she was like, "Well, maybe you don't need to say anything."
I just made a decision then to be like, I don't want to live my life this way because I just had too much anxiety
about lying all the time.
I was like, I don't think I can do it.
And even if it's a lie by omission, it still feels like you're not being authentic.
Yeah. Yeah, exactly.
So once I made that decision, I guess I sort of took an approach of just complete honesty with anyone who
wanted to know anything.
Because I think I got asked things like, part of my mental health is writing music.
Coping mechanisms I guess.
I know the importance and how powerful it can be to verbalise what you are going through.
To share.
That for myself...my personal kind of journey with my own mental health before answering questions in
interviews and all of that.
Being open and sharing helped me.
So I think I sort of took that approach.
I wasn't expecting how big a response it got.
I think it goes to show that how many people are going through the same thing.
Or want to speak about it.
It's sleep paralysis?
Yeah.
For somebody who's never experienced sleep paralysis before, how to you go about describing it?
What is that sensation like?
Oh, God.
So, imagine you've gone to bed and then you can't move.
You feel like your whole body is kind of paralysed .
Like someone is on top of you and you can't really breathe.
And I experience really crazy hallucinations.
I'd be in bed and I would have to get...impending doom threat level 10.
But you can't move and I would hallucinate all these weird shapes, lines and crazy monsters and stuff
were like all around me and I'd be trying to scream but I couldn't.
It's like having a waking nightmare.
When did you realise that was something you actually needed to get help for though?
Because that's the sort of thing that can be debilitating the moment you first encounter it?
I thought I was maybe crazy for a really long time, so I really didn't tell anyone
it was affecting me so much until I was much older.
Your instinct is to not tell someone about it.
You think you should be able to deal with it yourself.
You don't want to worry somebody.
Or you know, people are going to think you are crazy.
I think I was holding on to a lot of that and it took me until my late teens to really admit that I had
these weird hallucination dreams, you know.
If you could change anything about the way we talk about mental health, what would you change?
In this country, especially in the UK, there's a lot of 'lip service.'
It would be like, "Oh, we want to provide mental health," but the reality is most kind of services and groups
available to people, or funding for the NHS is like slash, slash, slash every year.
Less and less services for people.
So it actually makes me think people aren't getting the help that they deserve.
That's the number one issue.
Just lastly before I let you go, how does it feel when you are up on that stage and it's all clicking?
For people that have never experience that, what does it actually feel like?
Um...
What a question.
I think it's overwhelming and then you just feel like everyone's energy is rushing through you.
You just feel invincible.
You know, you have to have an audience, right?
To perform, so you know you're connecting with other people and that's always a really beautiful thing, I think.
Olly, thank you so much for your time.
Aww, thanks Marc.
This handshake.
I know, I know. I feel so official when I do handshakes.
Thanks Marc.
I feel like holding your thumb.
It feels like you're milking my thumb.
And now we'll end it there. Thank you so much.
Thank you.