Hi.
Reasons why Dan's a fail!
(yay)
I don't like interacting with other humans
Okay I'm gonna be clear...
I am not saying this is a good thing
I am not tryna be cool
like some stoic badass anime character
that doesn't doesn't have time for losers
It's "reason's why Dan's a FAIL" okay?
It's a BAD thing
Bad.
Let me give you an example
Typical day for Dan:
I'm roughly... 47 minutes late for something
I run down the stairs, hop in a taxi
and...
*taxi driver dan*: Oi gov'nor, whatchu up to today then?
*long-suffering sigh*
Ehhh not much really
*taxi dan*: Wow that guy's a twat
Yeah
It's not every day
but sometimes I just can't be bothered
to engage people in conversation
I mean, I'm not particularly an introvert
and it's not like I have an attitude problem
It's literally just laziness
Cause I'm just enjoying being in a little bubble...
The thought that I will have to pay attention
and actually move my mouth
just makes me go...
*long-suffering sigh*
This makes going outside very difficult for me
*scarf dan*: Ooh it's a cold day, isn't it?
*grunt of general discontent*
*boob dan*: What floor are you going to?
*mildly annoyed groan*
*fluffy hat dan*: Feed the orphans!
*disgruntled cat noise*
*cashier dan*: Cash or card?
*long drawn-out groan to the heavens*
Card
You see?
That's why *I* always use the self-service checkouts
*automated dan*: Please scan your items
*grunt of vague distaste*
Therefore, walking past a homeless person
is essentially my greatest fear
as not only will they engage you in conversation
but you will be judged based on your reaction
You would be shocked by the amount of times
that I have pretended to not speak English
just to avoid talking to people
*homeless dan*: Could you spare any change?
Oh no- uh no, nono m-me no...
me no hablo...
Inglish-ze...
Uhh... d-
Chorizo! *nervous chuckle*
Hmm...
You disgust me.
Yeah I DON'T recommend doing that
but, from my experience
I CAN recommend the following things...
Playing on your phone
Pretending to have an angry phonecall
Having headphones on even if you aren't listening to anything
And very important...
your grumpy face
I'd say to you all:
Go into your bathroom
and just practice your grumpy face
Really try to channel:
"I am a massive cun-"
So!
Whilst I'm generally a very nice friendly human
You know- one of those losers who
smiles at old ladies when they walk past...
I actively try to make myself LOOK like
an unapproachable asshole
just to avoid making conversation
Which I must say works great for me
Unfortunately, what this means is
if you've ever thought about what it would be like
to be my friend...
It's awful.
I will just dump ALL of the conversation on you
*taxi dan*: What are you two lads up to today then?
*friend dan*: Ah! We're on our way to a par-TAY
Isn't that right, Dan?
Yup.
"Yup." Really? That's all you're gonna say?
You are a grade A butt
Do you know that?
In fact, the other night
I was at a fish n' chips shop
Yes, how bloody British...
and two slightly drunk girls
were tryna talk to me and my friend
and I was just a VERY unhelpful person
Jessica: Ugh Becky, you're so ugly
Oh my god! Heh. Hey there
*friend dan*: Ah, hey there. Heh
Becky: Hi.
Jessica: Shut up, Becky! No one's talking to YOU
Jessica: So what are you guys up to?
I mean like I don't even know why I'm here
cause I don't eat fish and chips
It totally makes you fat
and I'm not fat like Becky
She's totally fat
Becky: I'm sorry Jessica.
Jessica: Shut. Up!
*friend dan*: Haha, Well ladies
I'm sure my uh, friend over here
can pay for you two as well as us
What d'you say?
*friend dan*: Dan.
*friend dan*: Uh, so what are you two up to later?
Jessica: Oh uh, I dunno
some crazy party probably. Heh
Becky: Yeah
Jessica: Shut up!
Becky: Sorry.
Jessica: So what about you?
*friend dan*: We are- um
we're- we're free tonight
I think
Aren't we, Dan?
I dunno, I was just gonna kinda
sit on the internet, really
Jessica: Internet? Ugh, lame
*friend dan*: Are you fucking kidding me?
*friend dan*: Jesus Christ... *Dan*: Wot
Yeah, sorry dudes
If I'm not in the mood
I am literally the worst wingman in the world
But what about you guys?
I mean, I can imagine a lot of you
like getting chatty with random strangers
But does anyone else feel like
sometimes they just wanna be in a bubble?
Either way, please tell me down in the comments
and any, you know- awkward stories
of you being blanked, or blanking someone
will very much go towards the
"dan won't cry himself to sleep" fund
But I will respond to your comments
I mean, I'm fine with internet communication
It's just the, uh...
the real life that I have the, uh
problems with...
Pr-
Problems
IT'S the sexy end screen dance
Okay, I feel afraid to do this now
in case I accidentally set myself on fire
and nearly die again...
What's that? You- you won't like the video
unless you see me shake my hips?
Ugh... I feel dirty...
THUMB ME THO, YEAH??!
ALRIGHT thumbs UP!
And click here to subscribe to see more of my videos
Yeah woo exploitation
See you next week...!
*distant sirens*
Can you not?
KINDA BUSY here