WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YOU KNOW, AMERICANS RARELY HEAR
GOOD NEWS OUT OF THE MIDDLE EAST, BUT YESTERDAY, WE GOT
SOME: THE PRESIDENT ANNOUNCED THAT U.S. SPECIAL FORCES KILLED
ISIS LEADER AND GUY CLEARLY RATIONING HIS "JUST FOR MEN,"
ABU BAKR AL-BAGHDADI.
( LAUGHTER ) AL-BAGHDADI WAS A NOTORIOUS
TERRORIST RESPONSIBLE FOR THE DEATH OF THOUSANDS.
A TRUE MONSTER.
SO I'D LIKE TO CONGRATULATE ALL THE BRAVE SERVICE MEMBERS IN OUR
SPECIAL FORCES WHO RISKED THEIR LIVES AND GOT THE JOB DONE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) JUST TAKE YOUR TIME WITH THAT.
NO RUSH!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND HERE'S THE THING --
I'D ALSO LIKE TO CONGRATULATE PRESIDENT DONALD J. TRUMP, BUT
HE JUST MAKES IT SO HARD.
( LAUGHTER ) BECAUSE WHEN HE BROKE THE NEWS
YESTERDAY, TRUMP'S ENTIRE PRESS CONFERENCE WAS ABOUT HIMSELF.
>> LAST NIGHT, THE UNITED STATES BROUGHT THE WORLD'S
NUMBER ONE TERRORIST LEADER TO JUSTICE.
FROM THE FIRST DAY I CAME TO OFFICE-- AND NOW WE'RE GETTING
CLOSE TO THREE YEARS-- I WOULD SAY, "WHERE'S AL-BAGHDADI?
I WANT AL-BAGHDADI."
THEY'D COME IN, "SIR, WE HAVE SOMEBODY UNDER--"
I SAID, "I DON'T WANT SOMEBODY.
I WANT AL-BAGHDADI.
THAT'S THE ONE I WANT."
>> STEPHEN: YEAH, TRUMP WAS OBSESSED.
YOU MIGHT SAY HE HAD "AL BAGHDADI" ISSUES.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THEN, TRUMP STARTED DESCRIBING AL BAGHDADI'S LAST MOMENTS, AND
THINGS GOT PRETTY GRAPHIC.
>> HE REACHED THE END OF THE TUNNEL, AS OUR DOGS CHASED
HIM DOWN.
HE IGNITED HIS VEST.
HIS BODY WAS MUTILATED BY THE BLAST.
TO GET TO HIS BODY, THEY HAD TO REMOVE A LOT OF DEBRIS BECAUSE
THE TUNNEL HAD COLLAPSED.
THERE WASN'T MUCH LEFT.
THE-- THE VEST BLEW UP, BUT THERE ARE STILL SUBSTANTIAL
PIECES THAT THEY BROUGHT BACK.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: DO WE REALLY NEED
TO KNOW THAT AT 9:00 A.M. ON A SUNDAY?
♪ THE BEST PART OF WAKING UP IS HEARING HOW THE GUY BLEW UP ♪
( PIANO RIFF ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THEN TRUMP BRAGGED ABOUT HOW IMPORTANT THIS EVENT WAS.
>> THIS WAS THE BIG ONE.
THIS IS THE BIGGEST ONE, PERHAPS, THAT WE'VE EVER
CAPTURED, BECAUSE THIS IS THE ONE THAT BUILT ISIS.
THIS IS THE BIGGEST THERE IS.
THIS IS THE WORST EVER.
OSAMA BIN LADEN WAS VERY BIG, BUT OSAMA BIN LADEN BECAME BIG
WITH THE WORLD TRADE CENTER.
>> STEPHEN: I REMEMBER.
YEAH.
( LAUGHTER ) PRETTY SURE THAT'S WHY THEY SHOT
HIM.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU KNOW HOW I KNOW THAT KILLING
BIN LADEN WAS A BIG DEAL?
BECAUSE OBAMA NEVER HAD TO SAY KILLING BIN LADEN WAS A BIG
DEAL.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT WAS.
A BIG DEAL.
SO IS THIS.
IT WAS VERY BIG.
THIS WAS VERY BIG, DON'T GET ME WRONG.
KILLING BAGHDADI WAS A BIG DEAL.
IT WAS BIGGER THAN THE BIN LADEN ANNOUNCEMENT IN ONE WAY --
LENGTH.
TRUMP DELIVERED A 50-MINUTE PERFORMANCE, COMPARED TO OBAMA'S
NINE-MINUTE SPEECH.
AND, KEEP IN MIND, THAT WAS OBAMA, SO FOUR MINUTES OF IT WAS
"AHHHH, LOOK."
( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: GOT THE TONE, GOT THE
TONE!
>> Stephen: BARACK OBAMA.
BARACK OBAMA, THERE YOU GO.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BARACK OBAMA.
THEN TRUMP DESCRIBED AL BAGHDADI'S DEATH, USING ONE OF
HIS FAVORITE METAPHORS.
>> HE DIED LIKE A DOG.
HE DIED LIKE A COWARD.
HE DIED LIKE A DOG, HE DIED LIKE A COWARD.
>> STEPHEN: AH, YES.
I REMEMBER WHEN I WAS A CHILD, MY DOG MR. FLUFFLES GOT SICK, SO
WE DID THE HUMANE THING: GAVE HIM A SUICIDE VEST AND CHASED
HIM DOWN A TUNNEL.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: I REMEMBER THAT PART.
>> Stephen: I'M AFRAID HE'S EXPLODED A FARM UPSTATE.
( LAUGHTER ) I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH
THIS GUY.
IT WOULDN'T BE A TRUMP PRESS CONFERENCE OR TRUMP ANYTHING
WITHOUT SOME SHAMELESS SELF-PROMOTION.
>> YOU KNOW, IF YOU READ MY BOOK-- THERE WAS A BOOK JUST
BEFORE THE WORLD TRADE CENTER CAME DOWN.
AND I DON'T GET ANY CREDIT FOR THIS, BUT THAT'S OKAY.
I NEVER DO, BUT HERE WE ARE.
I WROTE A BOOK-- A, REALLY, VERY SUCCESSFUL BOOK.
AND IN THAT BOOK, ABOUT A YEAR BEFORE THE WORLD TRADE CENTER
WAS BLOWN UP, I SAID, "THERE IS SOMEBODY NAMED OSAMA BIN
LADEN.
YOU BETTER KILL HIM OR TAKE HIM OUT."
SOMETHING TO THAT EFFECT.
"HE'S BIG TROUBLE."
>> STEPHEN: NO, YOU DIDN'T.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU DIDN'T DO THAT AT ALL.
YOU DIDN'T SAY THAT AT ALL.
NOT EVEN CLOSE.
WE LOOKED.
WE LOOKED AT YOUR 2000 BOOK, "THE AMERICA WE DESERVE," AND
YOU MAKE A PASSING MENTION OF BIN LADEN WHO, YOU
SAY, BILL CLINTON HAD ALREADY TRIED TO KILL.
SO YOU WERE PREDICTING SOMETHING THAT EVERYONE ALREADY KNEW.
(AS TRUMP) "IN MY NEXT BOOK, I PREDICT
YOU'LL BE HEARING BIG THINGS FROM THIS 'TAYLOR SWIFT.'
SHE'S REALLY GOING PLACES.
( LAUGHTER ) TIME TO TAKE HER OUT.
NO ONE LISTENS, IT'S OKAY.
SHAKE IT OFF."
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: COME ON!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HATERS GONNA HATE.
SHAKE IT OFF.
>> Stephen: TRUMP DID GIVE I.S.I.S. CREDIT FOR
THEIR INTERNET PROWESS, SORT OF: >> THEY USE THE INTERNET BETTER
THAN ALMOST ANYBODY IN THE WORLD, PERHAPS OTHER THAN DONALD
TRUMP.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: YES, TRUE.
DONALD TRUMP'S A MASTER OF THE INTERNET.
AND HE PROVED IT ON SATURDAY WHEN HE TWEETED SIMPLY, AND I'M
NOT MAKING THIS UP, "DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) "BOTDOT, DOT, DOT, DOT."
NOW, THAT MIGHT SEEM STUPID, BUT IF YOU READ BETWEEN THE LINES,
IT'S IDIOTIC.
DOT, DOT.
TRUMP ALSO FOUND TIME TO TALK ABOUT THE OPERATION.
>> THEY DID A LOT OF BLASTING EVEN NOT GOING THROUGH THE FRONT
DOOR.
YOU KNOW, YOU WOULD THINK YOU GO THROUGH THE DOOR.
IF YOU'RE A NORMAL PERSON, YOU SAY, "KNOCK, KNOCK.
MAY I COME IN?" THE FACT IS THAT THEY BLASTED
THEIR WAY INTO THE HOUSE AND A VERY HEAVY WALL, AND IT TOOK
THEM LITERALLY SECONDS.
>> Stephen: GOOD POINT, IF YOU WERE A
NORMAL PERSON, YOU WOULD THINK THAT SPECIAL FORCES HUNTING THE
WORLD'S MOST WANTED TERRORIST WOULD GO UP TO THE FRONT DOOR
AND SAY, "KNOCK, KNOCK, MAY I COME IN?"
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
WE'VE SEEN IT IN ALL THE BEST, IN EVERY MOVIE.
>> Jon: ALL THE MOVIES.
>> Stephen: ALL THE MOVIES, THEY DO THIS.
>> Jon: THAT'S WHAT THEY DO EVERY TIME.
>> Stephen: WE'VE SEEN IT IN ALL THE WAR MOVIES --
(AS GENERAL) "ALRIGHT, MEN, MOVE OUT!
YOU KNOW THE PLAN.
BROOKLYN, KOWALSKI, MICKEY, SURROUND THE HOUSE AND LAY DOWN
SUPPRESSION FIRE POWER.
AND THEN, JACKSON, YOU HAUL ASS TO THAT FRONT DOOR, AND YOU SAY
"KNOCK, KNOCK.
MAY I COME IN?" ( LAUGHTER )
IF NO ONE ANSWERS, LEAVE ONE OF THOSE STICKY NOTES THAT SAY WE
TRIED TO MAKE A DELIVERY OF BULLETS TO YOUR BODY, SORRY WE
MISSED YOU, WE WILL BE BACK TOMORROW BETWEEN 10:00 AND
4:00!" "MOVE OUT!
LET'S GO!" ( PIANO RIFF )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) COME ON!
( PIANO RIFF ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
SEE HOW TRUMP MAKES IT SO HARD TO CONGRATULATE HIM?
HE COULD JUST COME OUT AND SAY, "WE GOT HIM.
THANK YOU TO OUR BRAVE TROOPS FOR BRINGING THIS MAN TO
JUSTICE, BUT THE FIGHT'S NOT OVER.
VIGILANCE!" AND LEAVE.
EASY PEASY, NO IMPEACHY ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HE RUINS THE MOMENT.
INSTEAD, HE BASICALLY SAYS, "LET ME DROP TROW, TO GIVE EVERYBODY
IN LATE NIGHT PLENTY OF FLANK TO SPANK."
( LAUGHTER ) SORRY ABOUT THAT IMAGE.
I APOLOGIZE FOR THE IMAGE.
TRUMP ALSO MADE SURE TO THANK ONE OF AMERICA'S STRONGEST
ALLIES IN THE REGION: >> I ALSO WANT TO THANK THE
SYRIAN KURDS FOR CERTAIN SUPPORT THEY WERE ABLE TO GIVE US.
>> STEPHEN: AND REMEMBER THEY DID THIS EVEN AFTER TRUMP'S
DECISION TO WITHDRAW AMERICAN TROOPS LEFT THE SYRIAN KURDS TO
CONFRONT A TURKISH OFFENSIVE ALONE.
THAT'S TRULY GOING ABOVE AND BEYOND.
IT'S LIKE YOUR EX VOLUNTEERING TO HELP YOU MOVE YOUR WATERBED,
AFTER YOU CHEATED ON HER AND FORCED HER TO FIGHT THE TURKISH
ARMY ALONE.
( LAUGHTER ) THEN TRUMP DEFENDED HIS PULLOUT
OF TROOPS FROM SYRIA WITH ONE EXCEPTION --
>> WE'RE OUT.
BUT WE ARE LEAVING SOLDIERS TO SECURE THE OIL.
AND WE MAY HAVE TO FIGHT FOR THE OIL.
WE SHOULD BE ABLE TO TAKE SOME ALSO.
AND WHAT I INTEND TO DO, PERHAPS, IS MAKE A DEAL WITH
AN EXXON MOBIL OR ONE OF OUR GREAT COMPANIES TO GO IN THERE
AND DO IT PROPERLY.
>> Stephen: SHHH-SHHH!
YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO SAY THAT OUT LOUD.
IX-NAY ON THE OOD-BLAY FOR OIL-MAY.
THAT'S WHY WE CALL THESE MISSIONS THINGS, "OPERATION
DESERT STORM," OR "OPERATION IRAQI FREEDOM," NOT, "OPERATION:
I DRINK YOUR MILK SHAKE.
MONEY, MONEY, MONEY, KA-CHING!" ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.
QUEEN LATIFAH IS HERE.
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, TRUMP STRIKES OUT AT THE WORLD SERIES.
STICK AROUND!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )