Clay Andrews: Can you get your ex back after begging? Yes.
And that's what we're going to be talking about in this video. But first, my name is
Clay with modernlove.life, where we help you get the great loving relationship that you're
looking for without having to play mind games, without having to play hard to get, and without
having to pretend to be someone or something that you are not, because you deserve to be
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Now, in this video, we are going to be talking about your ex's emotional experience during
this whole process, and how to connect emotionally with your ex. If you do want to learn more
about this, we have a course called the Ex Solution Program. You could find info on that
down below in the description box. We talk about what we call advanced relational skills
in that course and we help you use them to navigate through your ex's emotional world.
Okay, with all that put aside, let's talk about begging after a breakup. Most people,
myself included, have been there and done that and begged for their ex to take them
back after a breakup. Occasionally, I'll talk to someone who somehow didn't do this. I don't
know, they must have be in some very evolved place or maybe just really emotionally shut
down. One of those two, it's either or. Or maybe they were just completely shocked. I
don't know. But most people will go through this period
of begging their ex to take them back. It's totally normal. Again, I've been there. I've
done this before. I know a lot of people have been there and done this before and had great
success getting back together with their ex. So this is something that you can recover
from. However, we want to first start by looking at why this happens. Now, of course, many
times when you go through a breakup, you are shocked that the breakup happened. It's a
little bit of a surprise. Sure, maybe you were aware that there were some problems in
the relationship, but maybe you didn't think they were that bad or maybe you thought we
could get over them, and you just didn't realize that things were getting to this point where
there was an actual breakup in someone's mind. And so in this respect, the breakup can really
shock you. And because we take our relationships and
make them one of the primary foundations of our lives, when that relationship is suddenly
swept away, it can understandably cause us to feel really shocked, jolted, even panicked.
And this causes us to go into what we call damage control mode. Now, this is a state
of mind that is very common for a lot of people to find themselves in after a breakup. You
know when you're in damage control mode when you're acting from fear, panic, insecurity,
all sorts of these negative emotions that basically can sometimes, and by that I mean
all the time, inspire you to do and say things that you pretty much regret as soon as you
say or do them. This could include, of course, begging and pleading. This can include grand
romantic gestures. This can include calling and texting many, many, many, many times a
day, things like that. And this damage control mode is not a great
place for you to be in emotionally, because you are motivated by this panic state, and
when you're motivated by this panic state, you're actually coming from an emotional place
of survival mode. You're trying to take care of yourself and make sure your needs get met.
However, this is where the problem comes in, is that your ex is not really necessarily
interested in you feeling good and taking care of your emotions. They, like most of
us, are interested in themselves and what's in it for them. And if basically you're saying,
"Hey, I want to get back together because I feel bad, I want to feel good about myself,"
what they're hearing is, "I don't care how you're feeling. I'm not open to hearing about
it. Right now I just want to get back together so that I can feel good again." And that is
not allowing them to be seen or heard or understood to the point where they can actually start
to open up and have a real talk about getting back together with you.
Now, of course, there's an entire emotional world that they're dealing with, including
emotional reactants, including the law of consistency, and all sorts of other things
that could be keeping them from wanting to talk to you, but not being seen and heard
is probably the biggest one out there. So what you want to do first and foremost is
understand why you ended up in that place of damage control mode that caused you to
beg and plead and all these other things that you have probably by now figured out aren't
very effective. What caused that to happen? What sort of beliefs caused that to happen?
What sort of emotional place where you're coming from when that happened? What did you
believe was true? What did you fear was true? What were you worried was going to happen?
And start to understand that. And as you can start to be at peace with what
happened, again, I'm not saying you have to love what happened, but once you can start
to be at peace with the fact that the breakup happened, then you can start to get out of
damage control mode and get into a place where you're better suited to actually connect with
your ex. And as you do this, sure, when you're in damage control mode, it might make sense
for you to do something like no contact or active no contact. By the way, we have an
entire video series on the no contact rule, our take on it, it's a little bit different
than most people, but you can find it right up there. I know that many times in many of
these videos I've said that you don't necessarily need to do no contact, but if you're in damage
control mode and the more you're interacting with your ex the further they are getting
from you, then it might make sense to not be in contact with them so that you don't
do any further damage to the connection. So, anyway, what you need to do is you need
to get out of damage control mode. That may require some degree of active no contact or
cutting contact in some degree, so that you can get yourself in a better place to connect.
Now, what you want to do when you are in a better place to connect is obviously to connect
with them. Now, we have skills and tools for doing this called advanced relational skills.
These tools will allow you to get down and connect with them on an emotional level, take
an interest in their experience, ask them questions about that, get them sharing how
they're feeling, what's going on with them, and all of this. And this can actually be
a cathartic experience for them because they start to feel seen and heard. They start to
get that you're actually there to listen to them, not there to meet your own agenda, which
is to get back together to feel better about yourself.
But you're actually curious about what their experience is. You're curious about what makes
them tick. You're curious about what they're going through, and just understanding them,
not because you're trying to influence them in some way or steer them towards something
that they don't want, but because you just genuinely care and you just genuinely want
to connect with them. And as this happens, you're actually going to start to build up
an emotional connection between you and them. And this emotional connection is going to
be the foundation that we leverage in order to actually get back together. And so what
you want to do is you want to make sure that you're focusing on the most important thing,
which is the quality of the emotional connection between you and your ex. This is literally
the most important thing that you can and should be focusing on in this process.
I know it's so easy to get pulled off track thinking about, are they dating someone else?
Are they moving on? Is my situation hopeless? Are we going to get divorced? What's going
to happen next? But what you want to do is focus on the quality of the emotional connection.
This matters so much more than social media activity, than anything else. Just focus on
the emotional connection, and as you do this, your ex will start to open up and they'll
start to realize that you don't have this hidden agenda, this ulterior motive of trying
to railroad them into a relationship that they don't want. Begging and pleading, I can
understand why you would do it, but it's not going to convince them to give the relationship
another chance. It's simply going to demonstrate to them that you're trying to railroad them
into a relationship that they don't want. And obviously, your ex isn't going to want
to walk back into the same relationship that they walked out of in the first place.
So we need some time to demonstrate to them that things are going to be different. Not
just promise up and down that things are going to be different, but demonstrate to them that
things are going to be different. That's where that whole emotional connection aspect comes
in that we talked about earlier on in this video. We have to show them through how we're
interacting with them that this is not the same relationship that they walked out of.
We have to show them that we can be compassionate, that we can be caring, that we can be understanding,
that we can be all of these things that probably were lacking in the relationship that led
to the breakup, if we're being honest with ourselves. So we want to demonstrate this
to them. And what this is going to do is it is going to start to build trust in them and
that's going to start to move them to opening up more and more and more.
So, yes, you can get back together with your ex after begging and pleading, but you have
to start by identifying the root cause, that damage control mode getting past it, and learning
how to actually connect with them to demonstrate to them that they're not walking back into
the same relationship that they walked out of. If this is all something that you'd like
to learn more about, we do, of course, have our course called the Ex Solution Program.
You can find that down below in the description box. But once again, thank you so much for
watching this video. If you found this video helpful, help me out, please, by taking a
moment of your time to hit that thumbs up button so that you can send a message to the
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But, anyway, thank you so much. Once again, please take care. And if you want to learn
more about how to connect with your ex, please check out this video series over here on advanced
relational skills, or check out this video right here. Please take care. I'll talk to
you next time.