Shmoopin' the Bible -- 1 Kings. [Bible on a chair]
Cecil B. DeShmoop here, bringing you another edition of "Shmoopin' the Bible." [Cecil sat by a fire]
Today we're talking about 1 Kings.
The first Book of Kings starts with our old buddy David passing the crown to his son, Solomon. [David and Solomon in a nursing home]
Yeah, we've been through a lot with David, but he's getting pretty old.
Like, "time to take the car keys" old. [David driving and smashing into everything]
Anyway, one of David's other sons, Adonijah, pulls up on his super [Adonijah riding a mule wearing a cap and a gold necklace]
fly mule, and decides this is the perfect time to make a power play.
Adonijah gathers supporters and they brainstorm nefarious ways to take the throne… [Adonijah sat round a table with supporters]
They finally settle on holding a "Nefarious Bake Sale".
Luckily, word gets to David, and even though he needs it loudly repeated a few times, [David mishearing Solomon]
he eventually orders the prophet Nathan to anoint Solomon as king. [Nathan at a hotdog stand]
Once this is done, Adonijah’s supporters realize they’ve made a terrible mistake and flee. [Adonijah's supporters run away from the bake sale]
…So…yeah, they're not exactly the guys you want fighting on your side…
Adonijah begs Solomon’s forgiveness and asks to be spared. [Adonijah begging]
Solomon's like, "Sure, I guess." Adonijah is like "….I'm pretty suspicious of this…"
and Solomon's like "…Suspicion is a good trait to have." [Solomon with a troll face]
Anyway. David's busy dying, [David collapsing in the nursing home]
and as he's lying on his death bed, he beckons Solomon forward to hear his last words…. [Solomon and 3 sheep crying]
"…..never….gonna….give... …..never….gonna….give...
…..never….gonna….give you up… never gonna…let you down…."
Yeah, like that. Ah ha ha. It's rick-rolling.
After David's done rick-rolling Solomon, he says his real final words, which are like,
"be strong, follow God's commandments, don't wear white after Labor Day, blahblahblah..." [David speaking to Solomon at his death bed]
Solomon interprets this pretty loosely, and after David dies, [Sheep wearing jumpers]
he wears a bunch of white after Labor Day.
He also goes on a Godfather-esque killing spree and cleans house.
Needless to say, Adonijah doesn’t make it. [Adonijah in bed with a horses head]
So this one night, God appears to Solomon in a dream and tells him, “Ask what I should give you.”
So Solomon's like, "How about a George Foreman grill?" [A grill with angel wings appears]
And God is like, "Why do I even try…"
So then Solomon's like "Just kidding"
and asks God to give him wisdom like no one has ever had before.
God thinks that's a much better wish, and he grants it.
And even though I would've totally gone with the ability to fly, maybe Solomon made the
right choice in that wisdom thing, because things get pretty sweet for him. [Solomon stood in a field]
With incredible wisdom comes incredible wealth. Cha-ching! [A storm forms above Solomon]
…We'll wait for all the professors to stop laughing hysterically…now that we've said that...
Anyway, Solomon is rollin' in it. [Solomon in a bath of champagne]
He builds the temple that David wanted to build, but never could because he was too [Solomon's temple next to skyscrapers with Trump written on them]
busy fighting battles and cruising rooftops looking for the ladies…
Once the temple is finished, Solomon fills it with bronze, [Woman in a bath with a rubber duck]
gold, and other shiny stuff that David collected. [Aluminium foil and a coffee machine]
We’re talking enough bling to last a lifetime or two. [Cecil sat by the fire surrounded by treasure]
To top it all off, he places the Ark of the Covenant inside. [Indiana Jones appears]
Solomon's pretty proud, and God's like, "Yeah, actually! Great job! [God in his office]
I have nothing more to say on the matter."
Solomon's like, "…I'm pretty suspicious of this."
And God's like, "…Suspicion is a good trait to have." [God with a troll face]
And in a shocking twist no one ever could've seen coming,
God appears to Solomon one more time and tells him there's a catch. [Solomon and Abe riding on a chicken]
As long as Solomon worships him, everything will be cool.
However, if he or his children ever stray out of line, well…it’s gonna get real bad, real fast.
As in, both the temple and Israel will fall.
And Solomon will never get that George Foreman grill. [God using a George Foreman grill]
But hey, why worry now? Things keep getting better for Solomon. [Solomon in a meeting room and barley future prices going up]
He's racking up the riches, and the Queen of Sheba even stops by for a visit. [Queen of Sheba and Sheba cat food]
…But the Bible's not so big on "happily ever afters." [Unicorn running for the Ark is washed away]
See, God had instructed Solomon not to marry foreign women, telling him they'd turn him to idolatry.
But Solomon is something of a lady's man… [Solomon buying a mail order bride]
No, seriously…he puts Sister Wives to shame. The guy has 700 wives, and 300 concubines. [WedEx express delivering the wives]
I don't want to imagine the grief this guy got for leaving the toilet seat up… [Thing being thrown at Solomon]
Anyway, in an even bigger plot twist, it turns out God was right. Solomon’s wives get him [Solomon on a Twister board]
to worship their gods as he gets older, and in an even bigger victory, they get him to [Solomon worshiping Justin Bieber]
eventually put the seat down.
God is pretty ticked off––about the idolatry thing, not the toilet seat––and he tells
Solomon that the second he dies, He’s going to destroy his kingdom. [Solomon eating a hotdog]
After Solomon’s death, God gets a Google calendar alert that's like "remember to destroy Solomon's kingdom!" [Emojis appear above Solomon's corpse]
So the kingdom is split in two, and things go downhill fast. The kingdoms fall into disarray, [Structures collapsing and fire]
and the King of Egypt shows up and commits a huge party foul [A truck with a wrecking ball smashes into the temple]
when he destroys the temple in Jerusalem.
A succession of terrible kings leads to the worst of them all—Ahab. [Kings of Judah with a 1 star review on Yelp]
Ahab marries a princess named Jezebel, and worships Baal.
This doesn’t sit well with the big guy upstairs. [Ahab next to a statue of Baal]
Or it could be the sushi buffet. Either way, God's not feeling great about what's happening.
So God sends the prophet Elijah to straighten things out. [Elijah walking up to Ahab]
Elijah confronts Ahab and tells him to meet him at Mount Carmel with 850 priests of Baal.
But Elijah likes to fly solo, so he shows up alone. [Ahab with all his men]
Elijah's like, "Here's the deal man. We're both going to set up an altar with an ox on it, okay?
Then all of y'all are going to ask Baal to light it on fire." [Two oxen tied to alters]
Ahab's like, "this is not how I thought this was going to go, but okay."
The prophets of Baal try all day, but nothing happens.
Elijah’s like, "Ooh, good try, guys. Great effort. It looks pretty hard. [Ahab looking unimpressed]
I'm just gonna dump a whole bunch of water on mine, because this is going to be impossible anyway… [Alijah pouring water on the Ox]
however will this catch on fire…."
And God's like, "No one likes a show off, Elijah," so he lights the thing up like the [God's arm appears and a lightning bolt strikes the Ox]
fourth of July, proving to all the assembled Israelites that he is The Man. [Fireworks going off]
Oh. And he kills all 850 idolatrous priests. [Elijah stood on the pile of the corpses]
What a show off.
And just to rub a little more salt in the wound, he prophesizes that Ahab's home will soon be destroyed. [Fire under a foot]
Something tells me Elijah's not super popular at parties. [Elijah telling someone that their cat is going to die]
1 Kings ends with Ahab dying in battle, leading to the rule of his son, Ahaziah.
And in the book's final and completely unexpected plot twist, he's also evil. Surprise.
Will the Israelites get it together? Will there be more kings?
Will God go back to that sushi buffet? [TV program style clips]
Stay tuned for the thrilling conclusion.
Until next time, Cecil B. DeShmoop, over and very out.