Phelous: The subject of this review was put up to a poll on Patreon.
And it seems the people want me to have some more Goodtimes, with Hercules.
Thanks, I didn't know I deserved such a treat.
(song from movie) ♪ I am unstoppable. Never give up, never give in. ♪
♪ Give me a challenge, and let me begin. ♪
♪ A nine-headed monster may put up a fight... ♪
Hercules is such an ass of a character, and it really takes some good writing to make him all that likable.
You want to guess if that's present in this one or not?
Greek mythology stories can be pretty interesting
But honestly, they do have to get pretty inaccurate to the source material
for you to have any real likable characters. And even still, a lot of adaptations have a tough time
making Hercules anything other than a pompous jerk
who just gets away with almost anything due to his half-god status.
Really, the best Hercules I've still probably ever seen is Hercules: The Legendary Journeys.
Because it added humor and made him a bit more relatable. Also, Kevin Smith as Ares was the best.
Little girl: Are you really Hercules? Hercules: Yes.
Little girl: Then why did you kill my daddy?
Ares:
Goodtimes' Hercules was made for them by Jetlag in 1995
which is two years before the Disney one, amazingly enough.
So, this was just made to be yet another crappy Hercules toon
rather than cash in on that wacky Mouse House.
Dull song from movie: ♪ Many, many years ago, way back in history ♪
♪ People in the land of Greece created Greek mythology ♪
Phelous (sort-of singing): ♪ Also, way back in our horrid history, Jetlag created this montrosity. ♪
Movie: ♪ They believed the world was ruled... by gods, and goddesses too... ♪
Phelous: Yeah, what a bunch of idiots, but you know you guys don't really have any right to judge
when you don't believe in music that actually sounds any good.
Narrator: The early Greeks believed that each of the twelve gods had a palace along the broad summit of the mountain.
The most beautiful of the palaces belonged to Zeus.
Phelous: But as you can see their beliefs were quite wrong.
Zeus's palace was just a sea of stupid pillars holding up nothing.
And every time it rained he just sat there reminding himself
He's the king of the gods! (weepy tone) He's the king of the gods...
Hera: So, another child of yours is about to be born down on Earth.
Zeus: A special child, Hera. His name will be Hercules.
Phelous (as Zeus) I got to decide the name because I told the mother I'd appear in full glory
before her, burning her up, if I didn't get my way. Ha ha, I'm great!
Anyway, you mad I cheated on you again, Her-zone?
Zeus: And he will be born before sunrise.
Megatron: We attack at sunrise!
Hera: And what makes this one so special?
Zeus: He will grow up to become a courageous hero.
Phelous: Oh yeah, they don't have enough of THOSE around there, how SPECIAL!
Zeus: One day, he will be king!
Hera: Are you saying that the baby who was born inside that palace before sunrise...
Megatron: Sunrise!
Hera: ...will become the next king?
Phelous (as Zeus): How odd that you phrased it that way,
But I don't suspect you, my jealous angry wife, will do anything. After all, I'm not the god of brain cells!
(normal voice) So Hera makes the Hercster's cousin Eurystheus pop out first.
Which means he gets to be king of Stupid Born-First Baby Land.
And if that wasn't bad enough, Zeus also gets a visit from that loser Hermes.
(as Zeus) I told you guys to tell Hermes that I wasn't home! This is the worst day ever!
Hermes: A royal son has been born in the palace! His name is Eurystheus.
Zeus: What?! This is the work of your spiteful magic, isn't it, Hera?
Phelous (as Zeus): And after I was so faithful to you!
Zeus: While Eurystheus will someday be king, his name will soon be forgotten.
Phelous: Oh, and Hera is the spiteful one, is she, Zeus?
Zeus: But my son, Hercules, his name will be remembered forever!
Phelous: You're just doing this to compensate for your crappy open palace letting the wind in again, aren't you.
(as Zeus):
Hera: My anger is not at you, Hercules.
Phelous: Yeah, Hera's usually pretty cool with Hercules, isn't she.
Anyway, to show how not angry she is, she magics up some snakes to kill him.
Because, you know, that's pretty much a foolproof way to kill him.
What could possibly defeat snakes?
Besides being... tossed against the wall, heheh.
Hera should've just sprung for some real snakes.
Zeus: You are no ordinary child, my son.
Phelous (as Zeus): You are an abomination demon child.
(normal voice) Seriously, look at those soulless eyes of that murder machine
Narrator: The story of what happened that fateful night spread quickly throughout the world.
Phelous: The story of a kid tossing some snakes was that exciting to them?
Geez, Greece was a really bored place before they created their mythology stories...
...of a kid tossing some snakes.
Song: ♪ I'll tell you a tale... so listen up to me. ♪
No!! I do not wish to.
Anyway, Hercules grew up from that little murder child to a...
...whatever this doofy faced loser is.
Song: ♪ ...known for his heroic... ♪
And that's how the legend of Hercules of Sherwood Forest began
But seriously, the movie just stops for a while for this song to sing about how amazing Jerkules is
while he shows off by beating people who had the gall to not have one of their parents be a god.
Remember how unrelatable I said this character could be?
Narrator: Hercules was cheered wherever he went.
Phelous: Oh, of course he was! I'm just SO invested in Hercules now!
He was the BEST!
Narrator: Eurystheus' envy turned to hatred, for despite his own strength and skills
Hercules always managed to defeat him.
Phelous: You see, that EEEEVIL Eurystheus had to WORK to gain his skills and muscle
While Mr. Perfecules didn't have to do ANYTHING for his, as god-sperm was used in HIS creation
And that's why you should side with Hercules!
Narrator: The two men who had once been boyhood friends had now become enemies.
Phelous: We aren't shown THAT, because THAT might have actually aided the story.
Instead, we just needed to sing the praises of the Game Genie Kid!
Eurystheus: Soon, I'll be your king!
Hercules: Even a king must earn respect.
Phelous (as Hercules): Like me! I had to
...let's race!
Hercules: May the best man win!
Megara: Hercules, you did it!
Narrator: Hercules was not only without peer on the athletic field
Phelous (as narrator): But he was also the best whittler in the world.
The stories of Hercules's whittling were legendary.
Narrator: Now his marriage to Megara was only a day away.
Phelous: They're gonna have a great marriage that will last forever!
Hera would eventually drive Hercules mad leading to him murdering Megara.
But her anger's not with him, you know.
Phelous (as Megara): Ugh, I walked into the water, and now my shoes are wet!
(as Hercules): Boy, heheh, we sure are stupid!
Hercules: If I had been born first I could be king AND your husband.
Phelous: How does he know that? Did Zeus come down and rub it in his face?
Megara: The people already look up to you as if you were a king.
Phelous: Oh, that poor Hercules. He's not gonna be king
so he's gonna be reassured by his fiancé that he is, in fact, the best.
This story might as well be called "The Overcompensation of Hercules".
Megara: Oh, Hercules I love you for who you are.
Phelous: Wow! She's gonna lower herself to the half-god who wins at everything?
Megara is really slumming it, isn't she?
Hercules: And I love you, Megara. You're more precious to me than any title.
Phelous (as wrestling announcer): Oh my! Hercules has won the title! It's all he's ever cared about!
Hercules: Oh! I almost forgot!
Phelous (as Hercules): I find you repulsive because you aren't as perfect as me!
Eurystheus: I'm a king only by accident of birth!
Hera: There are no accidents in life.
Phelous (as Hera): Except for you. Your mother didn't plan you.
(as Eurystheus): D'oh!
(normal voice): Well, I guess Hera's got a NEW PLAN!!
Only took her 20 years to come up with something new after magic snakes didn't work.
And that new plan IS..!!
...more snakes.
Hera, Hera, Hera...
Hercules's mom apparently didn't listen to that wonder child story that she must have spread
because instead of opting to lightly toss the snakes into a wall...
...she dies!
(as Megara): I know it's tough not having ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING in your life be perfect, Hercules!
(as Hercules): Don't say that!! She died the perfect death!!
(as Megara): She was killed by grass snakes.
(as Hercules): Just like she always wanted!
Megara, you're not my real mother!
Narrator: So Hercules traveled north to Delphi, to the temple of Apollo, to seek forgiveness.
Phelous (as Hercules): Yo! Sup, Apollo! You home, bro?!
(as Apollo): Uh, half-bros, let's not forget that. I don't care fo you that much, Hercules.
(as Hercules): WHA?! But I made perfect time getting here! How could anyone not like me??
Hercules: How can I make up for what's happened?
Apollo: You must go to the man you dislike most in this world and perform the 12 labors he will set for you.
Phelous (as Hercules): That sounds incredibly random, and not really connected to my mother's death, Apollo.
(as Apollo): It's not. I just figured you wouldn't like doing that.
BYYYEEEEE!!
Hercules: Until I bow to the will of the gods, we cannot be married.
Phelous (as Hercules): Then maybe Apollo will like me and think I'm the best, like everyone should!
Megara: You mustn't think of me while you're gone.
Phelous (as Hercules): Oh, you are funny! I've already forgotten your name.
Like father, like son!
Megara: I want you back no less handsome than you are now
Phelous (as Megara): Because if you somehow got any uglier, I'd turn to stone!
(as Hercules): Say whaaaaaat?
Haha! "N" is for Hercules!
Eurystheus: Greetings, Hercules. I've been expecting you.
Phelous: "I knew you'd want to do random tasks for me if your mother died!"
Eurystheus: Bad news travels fast.
Hercules: I felt the same way when you became king.
Phelous: YOU JUST GOT HERCED!
Hercules really can't let that go, can he.
Eurystheus: I thought we might make your first task something... simple.
Not-Wormtongue: A simple task for a simple mind
Phelous (as Hercules): Not just a simple mind, but the simplest mind of all the land! I win!
(as Eurystheus): Uh... right...
(normal voice): Hercules's first task is to go kill a super lion, for, uh, reasons.
Hercules: Roar all you want, lion, for this will be the last time you do!
Simba: Nooooo!!!!
Hercules: What labor do you have for me next?
Eurystheus: Do you know this bird? Hercules: Of course.
Phelous (as Hercules): It's a shiny Skarmory!
(normal voice): Now Hercules shall also be known as the greatest Pokemon master of all time!
And it won't take him over ten magic years of not aging to do it. Suck it Ash.
Eurystheus: Have you forgotten we grew up together?
Phelous (as Hercules): As a matter of fact, I have!
(as Eurystheus): Euuuuugggghhhhh....
Hercules: From the meager size of your arms, only one of us grew up properly.
Phelous: Yeah it might have made more sense
if they hadn't have drawn Eurystheus with the exact same muscle build as Hercules.
Eurystheus Your next task is to drive away this massive flock.
Hercules: Consider it done!
Phelous (as Hercules): I love destroying the ecosystem! I'm the worst!
Narrator: Fortunately for Hercules, Zeus had been watching, and sent Athena down to assist him.
Phelous: Oh, so it's not enough that Hercules has built-in cheat codes
but his daddy's gonna send down godly help whenever things get slightly tough for him?
You know, it really is Hercules's plight that makes these tasks so interesting..
Athena: Perhaps these will help.
Athena: Because their beaks and feathers are made of brass, the sound vibrates to their very core.
Hercules: Ha ha ha ha!
Phelous (as Hercules): I love torture! I'm a hero!
(normal voice): And with that, the birds were driven away so the bugs and frogs overpopulated and ruined the land.
Good job, Hercules!
Hercules: Thank you, Athena! ...Athena?
Phelous (as Athena): I really only came as a favor to Zeus. You suck, Heracles.
Phelous (as Heracles): No one calls me Heracles! It's too correct!
I go by my Roman name! While the rest of you use the Greek names. It's what people are used to.
Eurythseus: So far I have given Hercules two tasks that should have been impossible to accomplish!
Phelous (as E:) If he's going to go accomplishing them, maybe I should get him to do some tasks that I actually want done.
Eurystheus: Do you know any other man who could have done what Hercules did?
Not-Wormtongue: I suggest, then, that we devise labors that are impossible for a single man to achieve.
Phelous: (gasps) That's a GREAT new plan! Doing the exact same thing you thought you were doing with the other two!
Eurystheus: This will take some thought... Phelous: ...and that's further than I'm willing to go.
Seriously, though, There is no new thought put into Hercules's next tasks as they are the exact same thing
killing and torturing more animals.
But at least he's doing all this horrible crap for a good reason
to aid a man he thinks corrupt because it'll get his mind off his dead mom.
What a perfect hero. I love that Hercules.
To change things up a little he does flood a town and then beat up a woman
but then it's right back to the animal abuse
And at this point Zeus just gives up on even being slightly covert with his cheating
Hercules: Thank you father Zeus... Phelous: ...another species extinct for super-petty reasons.
Hercules: My journey to forgiveness is nearly over.
Zeus: The final labors will take all of your courage and guile.
Phelous (as Hercules): Well, I have no courage, but I do have guile.
Guile (in 8-bit sound): Sonic boom!
Phelous (as Zeus): Why was I helping you cheat?
Oh yeah, to be spiteful to Hera, to prove how spiteful she is.
(as Hercules): We are all horrible people. Ha ha!
Megara: Stories of your incredible feats have travelled like the wind.
You are truly the bravest man on the face of this Earth.
Phelous: Good thing Hercules is getting praised. He went almost two minutes without an ego boost
(as Hercules): Hey, wasn't I supposed to not think of you until the tasks were done? Man I'm dumb.
Hercules: I know how difficult this is for you.
Phelous: And switching their position without the background moving is pretty tough, too
Hercules: I know what you're thinking. You wish those children were ours.
Phelous (as Hercules): I'll go steal them, and put them to work in our fields.
Hercules: There is no task you can set for me that I cannot do.
Not-Wormtongue: It's clear you could not have conquered all these tasks without a little... help from the gods.
There are some tasks I wouldn't count as completed
Phelous (as Hercules): How dare you tell it like it is! I love cheating!
Not-Wormtongue: Ah! Owowowoh....
Phelous (as Hercules): Man I love bullying those weaker than me. I'm a hero!
Eurystheus: One as worldly as you must know of the Apples of Hesperides.
Hercules: When the goddess Hera married Zeus, Mother Earth presented her with a tree of golden apples.
You shall have your apples!
Phelous: "Those better not be MY apples."
Athena lets Hercules know of the crazy old man that knows where the golden apple tree is
so Hercules leaps into his usual heroic action
Old Man (not THAT Old Man): Let go of me! Get your hands off me!
Phelous: The old man is a shapeshifter and even turns into water
But it turns out if you grasp water really hard you can hold on to it.
A-HA!
I'm no Hercules.
So, Hero-cules tortures the info out of the old coot and in the process becomes an honorary Winchester brother.
Which of course still isn't good enough for them to care, so they'd still leave Hercules to rot in hell forever
Narrator: It took Hercules nearly a year to find the garden of Hesperides.
Phelous: After being told where it was? I know I've been joking about him not being very bright, but...
So there's a dragon in this garden, but the movie barely cares about it
And I think they only included it so that Hercules could torture another animal for a little.
Hercules: I'll just help myself to a few apples.
Creepy girls: You must slay us first.
Hercules: I would slay myself before I would harm two such charming ladies.
Phelous (as Hercules): Which I do regularly, because I'm the best comedian in all the land!
Prepare to die, ladies!
Hercules: I know! (grunts) There! Now you can sit in the shade instead of the sun!
Creepy girls: We like the sun! Hercules: All right then... (more grunting)
Phelous: Well that's quite the jerkass move. "If you don't want to sit in the shade, then screw you AND your bench!"
As the two apple guards are Atlas's daughters, Hercules figures he'll TELL on them.
Besides, it's not like Atlas is busy at the moment or anything.
Hercules: I'll hold the heavens for you while you go and ask your daughters for the apples.
Phelous (as Narrator): And so Atlas never came back.
Hercules: What took you so long? Atlas: I have not seen my daughters for so long!
Phelous: "I can't believe you wanted to see your daughters after all these years!"
"You should've been thinking of me! Hercules! The most important man in the world!!"
Anyway, Jerkules is a jerk once again, and runs off with his pointless apples to make the most unedible pie ever.
Atlas: Oh well. Phelous: It doesn't matter anwyay...
Hercules: There's nowhere left for you to send me.
Eurystheus: Wrong! There is still one place. A place from which no man has ever returned.
Phelous (as Eurystheus): A party at Wabuu's!
(as Hercules): NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Eurystheus: Your task is to bring back Cerberus.
Network Executive Lady: The original dog from hell.
Peter Venkman: It wasn't THAT funny.
Narrator: Hercules enlisted the aid of Hermes.
Phelous (as Hermes, whiny voice): Thanks for inviting me along, Hercules.
I'm probably the one who's less popular than you on Mount Olympus.
I wasn't even invited to Quiplash night.
And all the answers they made were just making fun of the Roman gods.
(as Hercules): But the Roman gods ARE us, just with different names!
(as Hermes): See? This is why no one likes you.
(normal voice) Aw man, I hate it when spirits get all clumped together like that.
Not-Remotely-Gandalf: You may not pass. Hercules: You cannot stop me!
Quite-A-Bit-More-Like-Gandalf: Stop! ... So, you are the brave warrior of whom everyone speaks.
Phelous (as QABMLG): I see that the stories were extremely exaggerated
as you are not demonstrating any bravery by picking on those weaker than you.
QABMLG: If you can master Cerberus with your bare hands, you can take him.
Phelous: Well, Hercules isn't gonna turn down the opportunity to pick on an animal again. That's his favorite!
Oh crap, Cerberus has snakes growing out of its back for some reason
That's gonna require a light tossing against the wall!
And that really is about all it takes before Cerberus is just like, yeah, okay, let's go.
Hercules: He's mine!
QABMLG: If you ever decide to return, you will never leave.
Phelous: Doesn't he HAVE to come back at least once to return your dog?
Eurystheus: Release the creature at once!
Hercules: Gladly.
Well, Cerebus is gonna kill that old guy, and he WAS the main villain, I guess.
That's certainly what this stupid movie suddenly acts like
because with him gone Hercules and Eurystheus start acting all buddy-buddy.
Phelous (as Eurystheus): Clearly it was my servant who made me do how all those bad things, heheh.
It makes sense if you don't think about it.
Hercules: I don't wish to be king anymore. Nor do I wish to be your rival
Eurystheus: I respect what you have done, Hercules, and I will value our friendship.
Phelous: "Because there will always be more tasks that need doing."
Eurystheus: Now go in peace.
Phelous (as Hercules): I WON'T!!
Hera: Hercules has proven himself to be a worthy son. He has won my respect ...
Phelous (as Hera): ..and I can't wait to make him kill his wife
Hercules: Then you're ready to marry me?
Megara: Well...
Hercules! Hercules put me down!
Hercules: Will you be my wife? Megara: Yes.
Hercules: I can't hear you!
Phelous: What a bland telling of the labors of Hercules
He just kind of floats from one to the next with relative ease
And if it's not easy enough, the gods will cheat harder for him!
The majority of the tasks are just montaged through as well
While there's yet another song singing about how great Hercules is.
Okay, I know I said Hercules was an annoying character and a pompous jerk through this entire review..
And I absolutely stand by that. I hate him
<"Oh Phelous (Spectre Version)" plays through credits>
Old Man (yes that one): Yeah, I am the Greek god of... of....
...of useless.
Phelous: Aw! He SAID it!
Old Man: Shut up!!
Phelous: More like you're the god of being a jerk.