( APPLAUSE ) WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.
FOLKS, MY NEXT GUEST TONIGHT IS A REGULAR AT THE COMEDY CELLAR
HERE IN NEW YORK CITY.
PLEASE WELCOME CARMEN LYNCH.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> HI.
I JUST HAD A BIRTHDAY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I'M AT THAT AGE NOW WHERE I'M
DATING BOTH FATHERS AND SONS.
( LAUGHTER ) I REMEMBER WHEN I WAS IN MY
20s, I THOUGHT GUYS UNTIL THEIR 40s WERE GROSS.
BUT NOW I'M LIKE, "BRING IT ON!
I LOVE MEN IN THEIR 40s.
THEY'VE LOST HOPE.
( LAUGHTER ) THEY'RE SO REAL.
THEY'RE HALFWAY TO DEATH, AND THEY KNOW IT.
THEY KNOW THEIR DREAMS AREN'T COMING TRUE, AND IT'S KIND OF
CHARMING.
( LAUGHTER ) YESTERDAY'S EW IS TOMORROW'S
AHHH."
I LOVE OLD PEOPLE, YOU KNOW, THE ELDERLY, THE ONES THAT ARE,
LIKE, OVER 100.
THEY'RE SO OLD, THEY ONLY COME OUT IN THE SPRING.
( LAUGHTER ) THEY'RE SO CUTE AND THEY'RE SO
WISE AND YOU CAN ASK THEM ANYTHING LIKE, "WHAT ARE YOU
STILL DOING HERE?" ( LAUGHTER )
MY DAD IS GETTING OLD, AND I CAN TELL BECAUSE MY NIECE HAD AN ICE
SKATING RECITAL AND MY DAD WAS SUPPOSED TO RECORD IT.
AND HE DID.
HE JUST RECORDED THE WRONG LITTLE GIRL.
( LAUGHTER ) SO NOW WE HAVE THIS VIDEO OF
THIS KID WE DON'T CARE ABOUT.
BUT SHE'S SO GOOD!
( LAUGHTER ) WE WATCH HER ALL THE TIME AND
PRETEND IT'S MY NIECE.
MY DAD'S NEAR SIGHT.
HE JUST CAN'T SEE FAR AWAY.
WHY DON'T WE JUST CALL IT FAR BLIND.
THAT'S WHAT IT IS.
YOU KNOW, WE DON'T DO THAT WITH ANY OTHER DISORDER.
IF YOU HAVE TESTICULAR CANCER YOU'RE NOT LIKE, "I'M PROSTATE
HEALTHY."
( LAUGHTER ) I LOVE DOGS.
I THINK DOGS ARE AMAZING.
I DON'T LIKE CATS.
I HATE CATS.
DOGS ARE SO MUCH BETTER.
( APPLAUSE ) THANKS FOR-- I'VE NEVER HAD A
DOG.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT I CAN TELL THROUGH MY HATRED
OF CATS THAT I LOVE DOGS.
THAT'S HOW LESBIANS FEEL ABOUT GUYS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
IT'S THE SAME FORMULA.
I REMEMBER WHEN I WAS STAYING AT MY FRIEND'S HOUSE, HER CAT CAME
INTO MY ROOM AT 3:00 IN THE MORNING AND BIT MY FOOT AND WOKE
ME UP.
AND YOU THINK WHEN A CAT BITES YOUR FOOT AT 3:00 A.M., WHAT DO
YOU DO?
YOU JUST GET UP AND YOU KILL THE CAT.
BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT HAPPENED.
THEICALITY CAME INTO MY ROOM, AND BIT MY FOOT, AND FOR SOME
REASON I WAS LIKE, "OUCH!
WHO BIT MY FOOT?" I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WAS
THINKING, LIKE, MAYBE IT WAS MY FRIEND.
( LAUGHTER ) LIKE MAYBE I WAS GOING TO LOOK
DOWN AND BE LIKE, ," LIZ, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"
AND SHE'S LIKE, "YOU NEVER TEXT ME BACK."
( LAUGHTER ) I'M JUST SUCH A LIGHT SLEEPER.
I HATE THAT.
I HEAR EVERYTHING.
I HEAR CATS.
I HEAR ISIS.
( LAUGHTER ) I HEAR NEW JERSEY.
I HEAR EVERYTHING.
I HATE THOSE PEOPLE WHO SLEEP ALL NIGHT BECAUSE THEY ALWAYS
SHOW OFF, "I CAN SLEEP THROUGH ANYTHING."
"YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU'RE GOING TO DIE IN A FIRE."
( APPLAUSE )
AND I'M GOING TO WATCH.
( LAUGHTER ) BECAUSE I'LL BE UP ROASTING MASH
MALLOWS IN YOUR FACE.
I'M IN THERAPY.
SO......
( LAUGHTER ) I LOVE COMPLAINING TO SOMEONE
WHO CAN'T LEAVE THE ROOM.
THERAPY'S GREAT.
EVERYONE IN NEW YORK CITY'S IN THERAPY.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS ABOUT THIS TOWN.
PEOPLE LOVE THERAPY.
YOU COULD BE LIKE YOU LOST YOUR SHOE AND SOMEONE LOBBY LIKE,
"YOU NEED TO TALK TO SOMEONE ABOUT THIS.
I THINK THIS HAS TO DO WITH YOUR PARENTS' DIVORCED.
I THINK YOUR DAD HAS YOUR SHOE."
( LAUGHTER ) I LOVE MY THERAPIST BECAUSE SHE
ANALYZES DREAMS.
LIKE, SHE TOLD ME THAT EVERYONE THAT SHOWS UP IN YOUR DREAM IS
ACTUALLY YOU, NO MATTER WHO IT IS.
AND THEN I HAD THIS DREAM THAT THIS BIG, BROWN BEAR WAS CHASING
ME AND I WOKE UP AND I WAS LIKE, "I BETTER GET THAT BIKINI WAX."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
IT WAS JUST A LITTLE BEAR.
I WENT TO SOUTH CAROLINA, AND I WENT ON MY FIRST HORSE AND
CARRIAGE RIDE AND THEY SAT ME RIGHT BEHIND THE HORSE'S BUTT.
AND THEN THIS GUY CAME UP TO THE HORSE AND HE LIFTED UP THE TAIL
AND HE JAMMED A STICK ABOUT THAT LONG RIGHT INTO THE HORSE'S
BUTT.
I KNOW.
AND I WAS LIKE OH, MY GOD.
IS THIS HOW YOU START HORSE?
( LAUGHTER ) AND HE WAS LIKE, "NO, THIS IS A
THERMOMETER.
WE HAVE TO TAKE THE TEMPERATURE OF THE HORSE SO WE KNOW HE'S
OKAY TO GO ON THE TOUR."
AND I WAS LIKE, "OH.
WELL, I'M ON A TOUR, TOO."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: HER ALBUM IS AVAILABLE NOW ON iTUNES.
CARMEN LYNCH, EVERYBODY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.