- [TomSka] Feel like you're in a dream, or trance.
A trance of pure bliss.
The kiss ends and both of you blush.
(TomSka sighing)
I'm a little turned on.
I'm not gonna lie.
Hey, you.
My name is Thomas TomSka Ridgewell.
And welcome back to "Content".
The only show on the internet filmed in black and white,
and then hand colored using crayons by children.
I'm the children.
You know what I haven't been on for a while?
An adventure.
Probably because I've been in relative self isolation
for 20 weeks today.
But who's counting?
I am. I'm counting.
So when one of you linked me to "AI Dungeon",
an artificially intelligence generated role playing game.
I thought, "Hey, it's time to go on an adventure,
and you're coming with me."
So suit up team.
Put on your wizard robes and hat,
which I was gonna do for this video,
but it's too hot, so I won't.
Select a character.
Noble, princess, knight, wizard,
witch, ranger, squire, peasant.
Peasant.
Enter your characters name.
I'm Tombl.
You are Tombl,
a peasant living in the small village
in the kingdom of Larion.
You have a pitchfork and nothing else.
I am naked.
You dream of getting out of your village
and having an adventure.
You go to your fields and begin working.
You look up and see a woman in rags
wondering around the village.
What do you say?
"Would you like to have sex?"
(TomSka laughing)
It is important to ask the big questions.
"Yes, please!" Heather smiles.
And you think about how much this woman
wants to have your babies.
Fucking brilliant. (crew laughing)
We're getting some now.
Heather takes off her clothes,
revealing that she's in fact a lot younger than you are.
(record breaking)
(TomSka laughing) No!
I mean a lot younger is never good.
Younger?
Fine, often.
A lot younger?
Rarely okay.
"How old are you?"
"I'll be 15 next month!" She replies happily.
Oh no. Oh no. - [Crew Member] Oh no!
- I gathered it's the past
and it was the done thing back then,
but I have changed my mind Heather.
We are not going to have the sex today.
No, thank you.
Heather puts her clothes back on.
(crew member laughing)
No!
Heather puts her clothes back on
and you begin having wild,
passionate, unprotected relations.
The next day, Heather is gone.
You never see her again.
Your wife is pregnant with twins.
(TomSka sighing)
Universe wiped clean.
None of that happened.
(Thanos snapping) - No!
- You are Tombl,
a peasant living in the small village
in the kingdom of Larion.
You have a pitchfork and nothing else.
You go to your fields and begin working.
You look up and see a hawk flying overhead.
You wonder if it is hungry
and decide to throw some bread into the field for it.
(hawk screeching)
You walk into your home.
It is a small two-floor house.
Well, I fed a hawk, so that's nice.
What do you say?
"Wife?"
Your wife looks up from the fire she is building.
She smiles and nods.
"Yes?"
"How old are you?"
It is very important that we establish this early on.
"I'm not sure. Twenty, twenty one maybe?"
You take a quick inventory of your wife's body.
"No, you're probably 13."
Not again! Not again! (crew member screaming)
Why?
Why does this keep happ...
And why would she try to...
One, she tried to lie to me,
and I was like, "No, you're 13."
Secondly, why do I marry a child?
God. Oh God damn it.
15 years pass.
20 years later.
25 years later.
You look up from the bow as your arrow flies
towards the deer you just killed.
Wow. Okay.
So the prologue was,
"Wife, how old are you?"
"I'm 13."
Well, fuck.
And then we jumped 25 years into the future
and I'm killing a deer.
You turn to your best friend, Percy.
"What happened to my wife?"
Percy takes a long drink of water.
He gulps before answering,
"She...
She died."
You nod and continue waiting.
Percy takes another drink of water.
Percy's just like, (TomSka slurping)
"She died."
(TomSka slurping)
(TomSka laughing)
"Of course, she died when I was 19."
You nod and continue waiting.
Percy gets up and walks over to a dead tree,
and starts inspecting it.
"What is it, Percy?"
Percy turns to look at you.
His face is stone.
His eyes fix on yours.
"What happened to my wife?"
You frown and look away.
"She died."
Percy raises an eyebrow and narrows his eyes.
"Of course she did."
I'm learning a lot,
in a very, very small space of time.
So both our wives are dead.
For some reason,
both of us know what happened to the other's wife,
which was that they died,
but neither knew about it themselves. Fuck it.
"Percy, would you like to have sex?"
Percy shakes his head.
"I'm sorry. I just don't want to ruin the moment.
We'll save that for when we're married."
Can I kiss you?
Can we at least kiss Percy?
Come on, come on.
Percy nods. Your heart beats.
Percy moves closer to you.
His eyes fix on yours.
He slowly leans in, your eyes lock.
This is getting good.
I'm not gonna lie.
Your hearts beat as your lips meet.
Oh shit. That's some...
That's...
That's some good rhyming.
You feel like you're in a dream, or trance.
A trance of pure bliss.
The kiss ends and both of you blush.
(TomSka sighing)
I'm a little turned on.
I'm not gonna lie.
"Let's make love."
Let's make love.
Percy stares at you.
He bites his lip nervously.
"Are you sure?
I mean, I don't want you to get hurt."
Is Percy gonna turn out to be a fucking werewolf boyfriend?
Cause I'm not ready to get knotted,
I'll tell you that for free.
I'll tie the knot, but not in that way.
That is gross.
"I'm sure, I want this." Percy gulps.
He looks away,
and runs his hands through his hair.
Damn, Percy's got moves.
Percy's got TikTok moves.
Percy's like,
"Hey, girl,"
"Let's get in position."
You nod and turn around.
You walk over to the large oak tree and slowly bend over,
placing your palms on the ground.
I'm about to get fucked in the ass. Aren't I?
All right. I'm a virgin.
Because I am.
I have not...
This is very new to me.
You stare at each other.
You don't know what you're doing or what's gonna happen.
All you know is that you want this to happen.
Get going, get...
Get going.
Come on. (slapping thighs)
Come on!
You walk forward and wrap your arms around him.
He hugs you on the back and kisses you on the forehead.
"Well, I guess we should get to it."
I'm just...
I'm so curious if this game is gonna commit.
If this AI is gonna commit
and give me the good dicking that I apparently deserve.
Your other palm travels up your smooth, hairless legs.
My legs are hairless now.
Your fingertips meet at the small of your back.
"I want this to be perfect."
"It will be, Hazel. Trust me."
Ah, sorry.
Sorry. "It will be, Hazel. Trust me."
Who's Hazel?
Percy smiles. "She's my girlfriend.
You don't need to know anything else about her."
No, hold on, hold on Percy.
Are you about to fuck me in the ass
and role play that I'm your girlfriend?
(TomSka scoffing)
That's bullshit Percy, that's bullshit.
I'm pissed, I'm pissed,
I'm hurt, I'm hurt.
"So, are you ready to get it on?"
He nods. You take his shoulders and turn him around.
Oh, now I'm the top I guess.
"Just slip it out."
Slip it out?
Slip it in, slip it in!
You squat him over and push,
the tip enters Percy's willing body.
He sighs and relaxes into it.
You begin to rock back and forth.
Percy leans his head against your chest
and closes eyes.
"Ah, yes. Yes, Hazel. That feels so good."
(record breaking)
Now I know that Percy did not just bring up Hazel again.
Mid coitus?
You know what?
Dude, action, pull out.
I'm done. I'm done.
I'm gonna start this one more time.
One more time.
And then I'm done, I'm out.
I am retiring.
(Thanos snapping) - No!
- You know what? I'm customizing...
I'm customizing the theme.
You are Tombl,
a peasant living in a small village
in the kingdom of Larion.
You go to your fields and begin working.
You look up and see your beautiful adult wife.
I'm not fucking around anymore.
"Hi, Tombl," she says,
"Want to have sexual relations?"
Yes! Finally!
You and your wife go into your house
and lay on the bed.
Oh, thank God.
The day is coming, and so am I.
"What is your name?"
I've forgotten. Okay?
I'll be honest.
I'm a big enough man to admit that I forgot my wife's name.
"I'm Delilah," she says.
You and Delilah begin to make love.
I am Tombl, the peasant,
and I am making love to my beautiful adult wife, Delilah.
This is everything I wanted.
This is it, this is brilliant.
Afterwards, she lies next to you and kisses you.
You know what?
Not thrilled that once again we've skipped the sex,
but at least it happened.
You know what?
Time to move things along.
A dragon tears off the roof of your farmhouse.
You find yourself in the wreckage of your home.
You look up to see a group of elves fighting a large dragon.
A group of el...
There's elves in this story?
Right.
Fight the elves. Fight the...
Fuck elves and their stupid pointy ears.
You charge forward and swing your weapon at an elf.
Your blade glances off his armor.
Oh shit. I'm outclassed.
You back off and pull out a small dagger.
I sneak up behind him and slit his throat.
Yes! One elf down.
You fight your way to the dragon and slay its riders.
"We should really move on," a female elf says.
Kill female elf.
All elves must die.
You kill the female elf.
"Who're you?" the remaining elves ask.
Who am I?
"I'm Tombl. And I kill elves. Now die."
You slash the throat of an elf.
You kill the rest of them.
Yes, the elves are dead.
Well, that was the surprisingly gay adventures
of Tombl, the peasant.
Husband to multiple child brides,
betrayed by Percy,
loved by wife and murderer of many, many elves.
What did we learn today?
Nothing, except for the facts that I'm horny.
(TomSka laughing)
Anyway, here are my favorite fan arts of the week.
And here are the two most recent contents.
Contents come out every single Tuesday,
so I shall see you next Tuesday.
TomSka out.
(mimics fart sound)