(mellow swing music) - Duke?
Duke Ellington?
Ghost of Duke Ellington, are you up here?
(apparition whooshes)
- Hey, hey, Nick! (chuckles)
You up here for some advice?
- You know, sometimes it feels like
you're the only one I can turn to.
- I get it.
The living don't always have all the answers.
- Yeah! - Lucky for you,
I'm trapped between two realms! (laughs)
So, what's the problem?
- Duke, I saw Andrew's penis, and it was like,
way bigger and hairier than mine.
- (laughs) Happened to me once, too.
The Cotton Club, 1938, I saw Charlie Parker's penis
in a bathroom, and good Lord, I felt inferior.
(chuckles) I mean, there's a reason
they called him "The Bird."
- What's the reason?
- Because his pubic hair looked like feathers. (laughs)
- So what'd you do?
- I went out and made sweet love to Eva Gabor.
- No shit!
- (laughs) That's right!
I balled a white woman back when it really meant something.
- So you're saying--
- I'm saying, having a pretty girl on your arm
can make you feel 1,000 feet tall.
- So, I should find the prettiest girl in school
and ask her out?
- Bingo, bangle, furry triangle!
If you know what I'm saying. (chuckles)
- I think I do?
Thanks, Duke.
- Happy to help, little big guy.
Shall I play you out?
- Yeah, that'd be nice!
(upbeat swing music) (Duke scatting)
♪ Talkin' 'bout a furry triangle ♪
- Excuse me, ma'am, have you seen a lame jazz hat
that's keeping me from my ultimate goal?
- Sweetie pie, have you tried looking
inside (chuckling) your own butthole?
- Pardon me?
- Nick, it's me! (chuckles)
- Duke?
(bones cracking)
- Did you know I've been inside 11 different people today?
That ties my record from when I was alive!
- Wow. (Duke laughs)
♪ How those dicks hangin', you tiny cracker honkies ♪
- You're drunk, Duke!
- No, you're Duke, (hiccups) drunk.
- Duke, we lost my jazz hat.
- Well, then, let's go and find it.
- We can't just go running around the city!
- Of course you can. - We could get lost!
- (laughs) That's nonsense!
You're never lost in New York City.
(upbeat swing music)
♪ If you're lost in the Apple and can't get found ♪
♪ Just hop the subway to Chinatown ♪
♪ Oops, I guess we're Brooklyn bound ♪
♪ But you're never lost in New York City ♪
♪ In Williamsburg all the old-time Jews ♪
♪ Have rented their buildings to hipster dudes ♪
♪ With their waist-length beards and their buckled shoes ♪
♪ Still you're never lost in New York City ♪
- [Nick] Over there!
♪ In Little Odessa with the right tattoos ♪
♪ Chances are you won't get shot ♪
♪ And the vibe is shitty in Long Island City ♪
♪ But it's one of old Duke's favorite spots, haha ♪
♪ Flushing, Queens ♪ (chickens scuffling)
♪ Is some messed-up jive ♪ (crowd cheering)
♪ Those mahjong ladies will eat you alive ♪
♪ There's poets and punks ♪
♪ And hookers and creeps ♪
♪ It's fucked-up and beautiful and it never sleeps ♪
♪ Yeah, it's weird and wonderful ♪
♪ Gorgeous and gritty ♪
♪ But you're never lost ♪
♪ In New York City ♪
- I mean, she is funny, she's really pretty--
- Is she smart? Does she know who she is?
- What? - I don't know.
It's the new ad campaign for Roz Drez For Lez.
- She does wanna study together.
- Hey, that's great!
Finally, the rich white boy catches a break! (laughs)
- Yeah, but now, I don't know what to do.
I don't wanna blow it, dude.
- Let me tell you a little Duke-y secret
when it comes to the ladies.
- Okay. - You ready for this, Nikolai?
- I guess. - The secret is,
(dramatic piano music)
listen.
- "Listen"?
That's the big secret?
- When they speak, listen to the words they say.
And for extra credit, retain the details,
and drop them in at a later date
to prove you were listening!
- Oh!
- It's shockingly effective! (laughs)
- So, I shouldn't just spout facts so she knows I'm smart?
- Apparently not.
- Huh! - It took me a lifetime
to realize that women, get this,
just want to be treated like human beings. (laughs)
- Human beings, huh?
- Wow!
- I'll try that.
(upbeat swing music) ♪ Oh, listen to the ladies ♪
♪ And you'll be rolling around ♪
♪ In a big field of titties ♪
♪ But don't trust the titties ♪
♪ The nipples are tiny cameras ♪
(crickets chirping)
And then, I scared the hell out of a cat. (laughs)
How was your day?
- Well, to be honest with you, Duke, not great.
My girlfriend got her period
and then she got really mad at me.
- Oof, sounds like we both got pussy problems. (laughs)
- Duke, you're not being helpful.
- Relax, Nick.
This period hullabaloo will pass.
But then it will come again, and again, and again,
until one time she tells you it didn't come,
and that's when you move away,
and change your name to Duke Ellington.
(laughing) I have made tremendous mistakes in my life.
(scat singing) (upbeat swing music)
♪ I'm paying for my sins now ♪
Nick-o-tine, you caught me working on a new song
that no one will ever hear. (cackles)
Oh, death is so profoundly sad.
But enough about me.
Why the long face?
- Well, Duke, I guess I was wondering,
have you ever stayed friends with an ex?
- Nope, impossible!
- That's a bummer.
I'd really like to be friends with Jessi again.
- Man, you boys having a lot of problems this week, huh?
- What do you mean?
- Your lumpy friend Andrew was up here the other day.
Good kid.
Thinks he might be a homosexual.
- What, Andrew?
That's impossible.
He would tell me.
- Would he?
What if he's shaking in his little gay boots,
scared you won't want to be his friend anymore?
- I don't care if Andrew's gay,
I'll always want to be his friend.
- Well let's just say he comes out to you,
and you fire him from your band!
So he becomes destitute,
and flings himself in front of a trolley car!
- Duke, did you fire a guy for being gay?
- Oh, God, no!
I loved having gay guys in my band.
More groupie for Dukey, yum, yum, yum!
- I would never fire Andrew from my band.
Oh, my God, poor Andrew.
- "Oh, my God, poor Andrew"?
That sounds like a good song!
I'm gonna change the "Oh, my God" to "Hey, now,"
and "poor Andrew" to "sweet Desiree."
(upbeat swing music) ♪ Hey now, sweet Desiree ♪
- Hey, Duke.
- Hey, it's Friday night!
Where's your accountant Andrew?
- Oh, we're just friends.
- Uh-oh!
It's not good to have your friends do your taxes.
- Andrew's got a date.
I set him up with this girl Missy, and,
now, she's all he talks about.
- Oh!
And you're feeling left out?
- I'm just kinda worried
he's not gonna have time for me anymore.
- Oh, he won't!
Some men just disappear into their ladies.
Like Joltin' Joe DiMaggio with Marilyn Monroe.
He was obsessed.
Just hangin' out in center field, folding her panties up.
♪ And not her nice panties ♪
♪ Her "I'm feeling sick today" panties ♪
- Uh-huh.
I mean, I like girls too, but I make time
for my family, sports, my friends.
- Me, too.
And my girl, my cars, my band.
- Yeah, we're the same!
- That's right.
Two ghosts alone in the attic.
- But I'm not dead.
- You are to Andrew. (laughs)