I was at home when my son busted in.
He said, "Dad. Dad. I need $250."
He's only 12 years old, so I freaked out.
"What's going on, nigga? Is somebody trying to kill you?"
(laughing)
He said, "No. No. Kevin Hart's coming to town
and I wanted to see his show."
I said, "Well how much are the tickets?"
He said, "They're $125."
I said, "Goddamn, mine are only $80."
(laughing)
I said, "Well why do you need $250, then?"
He goes, "Because I want to go with you, dad. Please?"
[Audience] Aww.
And there it is.
(laughing)
So I took him to the show, and, uh, we go
and we sit right up front. The lights go down
and one opening act after another goes on.
Then Kevin takes the stage, crowd goes fucking nuts.
Thousands of people.
I was furious.
(laughing)
The longer the show went on, the madder I got.
(laughing)
Because his show was fucking outstanding. It was maddening.
These people were fucking holding their stomachs.
My son was slapping his knee.
(exaggerated laughing)
"Come on. Nigga, I do this, too."
(laughing)
I'm so good at writing jokes
and this is not even an exaggeration.
I actually write jokes backwards.
(laughing)
I will write a punchline with no particular setup in mind.
I just put it on a scrap of paper
and I'll throw that scrap of paper in my, uh, fishbowl.
I have a fishbowl in my house filled with random punchlines.
And every once in a while, I'll shake the bowl
and I'll dig in there and just pull one out
and see if I can make that shit work.
(laughing)
And I picked one for this special.
(laughing)
It's not an easy punchline to pull off. Are you ready?
[Audience] Yes.
Here it goes. The punchline is
"So I kicked her in the pussy."
(laughing)
I haven't finished the joke yet.
(laughing)
I just know whatever happens in the beginning of the joke,
at the end of the joke, for some reason
I'm gonna kick somebody in the pussy.
And it's going to be hilarious.
(laughing)
I'm just afraid of being attacked.
It happens to the best of us.
Don't ever forget what happened to that French actor.
You know who I'm talking about.
Juicy Smoo-yay, he's a very French...
Very famous French actor.
(laughing)
Y'all never heard of Juicy Smoo-yay?
(laughing)
Juicy Smoo-yay is an actor from France.
(laughing)
And he became famous on a show called "Empire."
(laughing)
One night, he was in Chicago late at night
and was the victim...
(laughing)
(applause)
He was the victim of a racist and homophobic attack.
You see, Juicy Smoo-yay is...
(laughing)
gay, and he is black. Not just French.
(laughing)
Oh, it was a crazy story.
Apparently, when he was walking down the street
late at night, two white men came out of the shadows
uh, with MAGA hats on and beat him up.
Tied a rope around his neck, called him all kinds of niggas
and put some bleach on him and ran off into the night.
(laughing)
This shit was like international news.
And everybody was furious, especially in Hollywood.
It's all over everybody's Twitter feed and Instagram page.
"Justice for Juicy" and all of this shit.
(laughing)
The whole country was up in arms, we was talking about it
all the time on the news. And for some reason, uh
African Americans, we were like oddly quiet.
(laughing)
We were so quiet about the shit
that the gay community started accusing
the African American community of being homophobic
for not supporting him. What they didn't understand
is that we were supporting him with our silence.
(laughing)
Because, we understood that this nigga was clearly lying.
(laughing)
(smooth techno music)