I want to know what it was like the moment those reviews start rolling
Tell me what it was like when you were sat there at five o'clock when the embargo was up. What was it like?
So we--Hold the phone Cody Balrog-off-of-Street Fighter looking motherfucker
Yeah
You got some 10s from a bunch of pussy ass sellout reviewers nobody gives a fuck about
But now it's time for a real guy to play the game
You know, somebody that was strategically selected to not receive the game early
Because I actually criticize games from time to time
So are these fucking limp dick critics that don't know shit about video games just being stupid again?
No, it's actually really good
God of War four--wait, there was a God of War?
God of War is the first game in the God of War series
You play as the bereaved Kratos who was a grumpy old guy
that has to take his peppy son up a great big mountain
Now, I know what you're thinking.
"Hey, this is just ripping off The Last of Us"
But no, it's actually ripping off Up and Kikujiro and Hunt for the Wilderpeople
It's a tried and tested dynamic, and it works here to great effect
Kratos is more vulnerable than ever before because he actually has something to lose
And his son, Boy, is constantly seeking his approval
After a very understated opening where you fight a gigantic troll monster
You're launched into one of the most insane boss fights I've ever witnessed
As always, God of War is a ridiculous over-the-top thrill ride with unmatchable scale
and a thunderous, menacing orchestral score drowning out sounds of the carnage on screen
But where older titles would fill those gaps between set pieces with mindless puzzles and brawling
this new installment tells a gripping story
We find Kratos living as a mortal in the land of Midgard, which is enveloped in this ethereal fog
and adorned by sunken monuments to the gods
As you play you discover these shrines depicting the history and future of this forsaken place
as its scope gradually expands
Even though he's older and wiser, Kratos is still that same boneheaded fucking doofus as usual
Throughout their journey, he routinely scolds his son for being such a rambunctious jackass
He's trying to teach him discipline and restraint, but I mean it's Kratos we're talking here
It's this contradiction that makes the game so interesting and hilarious
Many of my favorite moments in the game are just them sitting in a boat
with Kratos reducing all these classic fables into the most lifeless literal interpretations possible
But enough about this stupid shit that doesn't even matter at all
Let's talk about the combat
It is brutal
There is such a satisfying weight behind your moves in this game
You can split a dude in half with your charge-up attack
Throw your ax into a guy, freeze them and kick them into a wall and shatter them to 100 pieces
When you hit triangle your weapon will fly back into your hand like Thor's hammer
You have these crazy-ass special attacks
You can turn your rage mode on and knock dudes around like little bowling pins
Dodging and rolling is a central part of the experience
You have this little indicator that clues you in to when your enemy will strike
And you have the option of doing a quick evade, which is harder to time, but allows you to retaliate faster
Or a big roll, which is safer, but less agressive
Now I know what you're thinking, this game is just ripping off of Dark Souls
Correct.
There is a lack of variety among the sub bosses and a couple obnoxious elements that bog the game's pacing down
Such as weak side missions, an annoying fast travel system, and tacked on RPG stuff
But in the face of what the game gets right these are minor issues
God of War is a masterful balancing act
It plunges you into its desolate treacherous realms of Norse mythology
and is punctuated by raw, satisfying combat
There are powerful quiet moments sandwiched between jaw-dropping spectacle
And it ends on such a cool moment where you can't wait to see what happens next
Four out of five: finally the PS4 receives its Knack killer
Knack one that is, not Knack 2. Come on, let's--let's not be animals here