- Marriage bed.
What is allowed? What is not?
What is okay to do?
Is it okay do this or is it okay to do that?
Warning! This video is not suitable for all audiences.
This is going to be of mature content
and please be careful who is listening to it
if you are watching this somewhere in the living room
or in the house.
Hebrews 13:4 says:
The Greek word here for undefiled is only used
in this exact form four times in the New Testament
and it means uncontaminated, and set apart.
So what is not okay? What is the defiling of the marriage bed?
Let's look at four things that I believe defile marriage bed.
Number one is adultery.
Now obviously, we know that it'sin. It's wrong.
Matthew 19:9, 1 Thessalonians 4:3-4
indicate that adultery is a sin.
We see this in the ten commandments.
Spouse swapping is also adultery.
They have T.V. shows,
they have practices today in our culture where adultery
is portrayed as good.
We are experimenting. We are trying something out
something different, and the Bible still calls that adultery .
So adultery is definitely a no, no.
The second thing that's not good, that's not okay,
and it's a sin is threesomes.
Threesomes is when more than two people are engaged
in sexual intercourse.
And it's done with permission or it's done with consent.
People are okay doing that.
And some people say that hey, it's completely fine as long as
we're are all on the same boat.
Some people even use the Bible to say,
"Well, look, Jacob had two sisters that he had sex with."
Well, not really.
Yes, polygamy was permitted even though it was not
God's perfect will because Jesus from the beginning stated that
divorce and polygamy and all this other stuff;
it was not there from the beginning
and therefore it's not God's will.
but it was allowed for that time for the nation of Israel.
But Jacob was not sleeping with Rachael and Leah
at the same time. There is not one instance.
On the opposite, they would fight so that Jacob would go
and sleep with Leah because he was planning to go
and spend the night with Rachael.
And so, we don't see one indication or event hint that
Jacob slept with both of the two sisters together.
And that is wrong and that is not okay
and the Bible condemns that.
The third thing is virtual adultery or we call it porn.
Bringing porn into your marriage
is going to destroy your marriage.
I've know people who have wanted to spice up their sex life
and they brought porn and both of them were
I guess okay watching porn.
Usually one person is kind of hesitant, the other person
is like super fired up in cases like these.
Most of the marriages that I know who did that
if they did not repent, their marriages fell apart.
You are inviting demons into your marriage
and plus it's so unfair for marriage to compare to pornography
because pornography is acting, and it's adult acting.
It takes days to make a 40-minute porn video
and most of those people are on drugs.
They are using drugs to get through this career
that they are in.
And afterwards a lot of them, they don't do really well.
It really takes a huge toll on their life.
There is so much abuse that happens there.
And if you watch the testimonies, and I've watched
quite few testimonies who were in that industry,
and they testify of how dark and how horrible that place is.
And so, when you take out of that place,
which is a place of drugs, which is a place of abuse,
which is a place of unrealistic- that's not even real
and you bring that into your marriage bed
thinking that's all we need,
very soon those spirits that are operating behind those people
and that industry will come into your life through those films
and they will destroy your marriage to the ground
or your sexual life to the ground.
Number four is rape. What's not allowed.
So we've mentioned adultery, threesomes,
watching porn, and rape.
Colossians 3:19, I want to mention.
So the problem with rape and I had to deal with
in my pastoral work I would say, or ministry
where some spouses, men in particular feel like it's not rape
because of 1 Corinthians 7:1-5, my wife's body belongs to me
therefore I am entitled, therefore I can demand
and I could force sex on my spouse.
But-- that's first all, misquoting that Scripture
and taking it out of context.
Rape is all non-consensual sex within marriage or outside of it.
Most people people think rape is only outside of marriage.
So if I have non-consensual sex with somebody it's rape
but if I am married to this person it's not rape.
They owe me. I'm just taking what's mine.
Are you? Is it yours or does that body belong to Jesus?
Are you simply claiming what's yours or are you being a rapist?
Rape is non-consensual sex even within marriage.
Forcing it and demanding it is not what the Scripture
in 1 Corinthians 7 is talking about.
1 Corinthians 7 is talking about giving satisfaction in sex.
Serving the other person in sex.
Not demanding and not forcing sex on your spouse.
So if you are using that verse to justify a forced
or demanding or you are entitled kind of attitude towards sex
as a man, you are misquoting the Bible
and that's not a character of Christ.
Because in that verse it's talking about serving your spouse
not making them your slave.
Now what about what's okay in the marriage bed?
So we've mentioned some things that defile the marriage bed
but now let's look at some things that are honestly,
is it okay or is it not okay?
Things like oral sex, things like different positions
sex toys.
So here are concerning these things that I want to
bring first of all like a basic framework of how
each couple should decide whether oral sex,
sex toys or different positions are allowed.
Because there is really no one way or the other way in the Bible
even though I know some people are very strong set on
against oral sex or some people have said
"Hey, it's okay to have oral sex in marriage."
Some people are against sex toys and some people are like
"Oh, it's okay to have sex toys."
And I'm going to touch on each of them in just a moment
but here are the three questions you should ask before
you can determine if this is okay for you or not.
The first question you should ask is if the Scripture condemns it.
Is it prohibited in the Scripture?
Because if it's not you can assume it is permitted.
The second question that we have to ask is, is this beneficial?
Is this harming me, or is this harmful or is this helpful?
Now, I get these questions from Apostle Paul's writings.
Apostle Paul, 1 Corinthians 6:12 he says:
So the first questions is like is it lawful?
Is the Bible against it?
If the Bible is silent, okay, maybe it's permitted.
Number two, is this harmful? Is this beneficial?
Like is there physical harm to this activity or not?
And is this going to bring your marriage together
or you are going to separate after that?
Like, you are going to drift apart.
And then third one, and this is the big one,
this is the biggest deal breaker for any kind of topic that
a lot of couples ask about concerning different sex acts
or positions.
Is the other spouse on board with it?
Is there mutual consent?
Is this spouse forced into what she's not comfortable with?
If that's the case then it's not okay.
Even if the Bible is not against it
even if you're like, "Oh, there is no harm in this",
but the other spouse is not consenting to it
the other spouse is not comfortable with it
then it's not okay for your marriage.
So if you can't deprive yourself from your spouse
without consent, you need consent to explore each other
in this particular way that you may have a question with
with your spouse's permission and their consent.
And if they are not comfortable, you can't push it
you can't force it.
Now few thoughts on oral sex.
The Bible does not condemn oral sex within marriage.
We don't see strong condemnation against it.
Outside of marriage, oral sex is still sex and it's sin.
And so, it's never supposed to be used as an alternative
to actually having intercourse for unmarried couples.
Sometimes people are like, "Yeah, we are just messing around."
No! You are committing fornication if you are having oral sex
with your girlfriend or with your boyfriend. Period!
Now within marriage oral sex is free from sin as long as
there is mutual consent.
In fact, some people go as far as to say that there are verses
in the Bible that indicate or speak of oral sex
in Song of Solomon. In Song of Solomon 2:3
where the fruit represents the male genitals
and in Song of Solomon 4:16 where the garden
throughout the Book of Song of Solomon is speaking
or is used for vagina.
And so, if you read those verses you can get pretty much
the implication that this is referring to oral sex.
But again, each marriage bed is going to be different
depending on what each person is comfortable with.
When it comes to oral sex, I would really encourage
because usually it's the guys who are like,
"Yeah, I want to do it. I want my wife to do it."
But are those desires fueled and created
because you watched pornography?
Or they are just godly desires to explore your spouse
in an intimate way?
And a lot of times in the area of marriage, one of the spouses
feels very grossed out by this idea
because of the abuse or because of the way they grew up
where the idea of sex in marriage was very gross.
I remember I heard a testimony of one guy, he was a prophet
actually he's still alive. I think he has like 17 kids
and he claimed that he has never seen his wife naked.
And they have 17 kids.
I don't know how they did it but they did it somehow.
And some of the religious upbringing have these
very very strict idea on marriage bed where like
God is there watching or God is just leaving the room
like come on, get it done with quickly.
You know, move on with your life.
But God created sex and He wants us to have joy
and enjoy it and have pleasure and explore each other
and get to know each other as long as it is done in a way
that does not bring another person into that marriage bed
whether virtually or physically. As long as you are not bringing
fantasies also about somebody else onto your spouse
and as long as there is consent to that.
And so it will depend on each couple
and it's a liberty that each couple has to exercise.
There is really no rule against or for it
when it comes to oral sex.
Now sex toys.
And I reached out to our marriage ministry,
kind of asked them of this also advice on this.
I think that people don't need sex toys in their marriage bed
but I'm going to read something that they sent to me.
It's a conversation that they had with one person who said this:
The same thing as can people masturbate outside of marriage?
It's something that is wrong, I believe.
And so I think that when it comes to this,
when it comes to sex toy
even though the Bible does not explicitly say anything
against it or for it, I think that if it replaces your spouse
or if you can no longer satisfy your spouse that you need
a toy now, then you really are already kind of adding some
foxes in your vineyard.
And you should examine what is happening really in your heart
and what's happening with the quality of your marriage.
Because sex is not really-- it's really like a revealer of
of what's happening in your marriage.
It's not necessarily a deal breaker like
where it makes your marriage,
as much as it reveals if your marriage is doing good
or is broken.
So my stance on this I think that couples
should abstain from it.
Anal sex.
I know that in our culture it's portrayed now as it's okay
and it's something that people push for and go for
especially because of pornography that it's being pushed
in our culture.
Now I want to mention something about that,
what it's not.
Some people misuse the Scripture in the Old Testament
to say that anal sex is bad because of those Scriptures.
I think anal sex is bad and I don't think
you should practice it but not because of those Scriptures.
So let me read to you from Gotquestions.org
I honestly agree with that.
And so I think that it's-- you might not find a Scripture
that it's wrong but I do think it's unhealthy, it's not safe
and I think the couple should abstain from it.
And those ones who are really eager to experiment
some of this little craziness should really maybe get delivered
from pornography or effects of pornography
because a lot of it is watching porn in your past
that can affect and give you ideas and fantasies on how
you should have or explore your spouse in your marriage.
The more your eyes are pure, the more your heart is pure
the more the pleasure will be pure in your marriage.
And you don't need to do anything to add to it from the world
or from the practices of adult stars
or practice all of this kind of immorality.
I hope that this brought some clarity.
I do know that this a very sensitive topic.
If some of you are going to unsubscribe after this,
it's completely fine but I do know that not a lot of people are
brave to mention or even talk about this.
I was kind of hesitant about it. I asked my wife for permission
and also had our marriage ministry to kind of go through
my notes as well so that I could bring some clarity on this topic.
There is a book I read after I got married called [sheet music]
by Kevin Leman. I think that what's the book was about.
It deals with sexual relationship from a medical point of view.
He is a Christian guy.
Even though I don't agree on something on it
but it also brought also alot of clarity to me
and we even recommend it to married couples.
And so that's something that I would leave as a resource to you.
God bless you. Thank you very much for watching this video.
I'm not going to ask you to comment anything on it
because I know it could be awkward but if you have,
let me know what you think.
But let's be polite and nice. Don't throw stones on me
because I opened up these can of worms.
So be kind. Okay?
Thank you, until next time,
and until next video.