I GOT A PERSONAL QUESTION -- ANYONE GIVE BIRTH TODAY?
( LAUGHTER ) NO?
OKAY.
IF YOU DIDN'T, YOU'RE NOT ALONE.
BECAUSE APPARENTLY, THE "U.S.
BIRTH RATE HAS PLUMMETED TO THE LOWEST POINT IN 30 YEARS, TO A
RECORD LOW OF 60.2 BIRTHS PER 1,000 WOMEN."
MEANWHILE, THE BIRTHRATE FOR MEN IS STILL AT ROCK BOTTOM.
( LAUGHTER ) COME ON, SCIENCE!
I DEMAND AN EXCUSE FOR MY STRETCH MARKS.
( LAUGHTER ) PLUS, AS BIRTH RATES DROP, THE
CURRENT GENERATION IS GETTING FURTHER AWAY FROM HAVING ENOUGH
CHILDREN TO REPLACE ITSELF.
WHICH ACTUALLY COULD BE NICE.
LESS TRAFFIC, SHORTER LINES AT DISNEY WORLD, FEWER KIDS NAMED
"DECLAN."
( LAUGHTER ) BUT OUR ECONOMY NEEDS PEOPLE TO
FUNCTION.
IF ONLY THERE WERE SOME NON-BIRTH WAY TO GROW THE
POPULATION.
IF WE COULD JUST GET PEOPLE TO MIGRATE IN.
( LAUGHTER ) THEY COULD BE "INMIGRANTS."
>> Jon: YES!
IT COULD WORK.
>> Stephen: THAT'S A CRAZY IDEA!
( APPLAUSE ) IN LIGHTER NEWS, I AM PUMPED TO
SEE "SOLO."
ANYBODY ELSE EXCITED TO SEE THAT MOVIE?
I AM.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THE NEW STAR WARS MOVIE ABOUT
YOUNG HAN SOLO.
IT'S THE FIRST ORIGIN STORY FOR AN INDIVIDUAL CHARACTER, WHICH
IS GREAT, BUT COME ON, LET'S GET TO THE GOOD STUFF.
WHERE'S THE MOVIE ABOUT MAX REBO AND THE JIZZ WAILERS?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WHO ARE THEY?
WHERE DID THEY COME FROM?
AM I ALLOWED TO SAY THEIR NAME ON CBS?
I DON'T KNOW!
>> WE'LL FIND OUT TONIGHT.
BUT, NOW, THERE'S CONTROVERSY ABOUT CHANGING BELOVED
CHARACTERS BACK STORY, BECAUSE THE WRITERS OF "SOLO" HAVE JUST
CONFIRMED "LANDO CALRISSIAN IS PANSEXUAL."
FIRST OF ALL, GOOD, LANDO.
YOU DO YOU, WHICH I THINK IS PART OF THE WHOLE THING.
( LAUGHTER ) COME ON, WE ALL KNEW...
( LAUGHTER ) THE MAN WEARS A CAPE!
CLASSIC SIGN OF INTERGALACTIC PANSEXUALITY.
JUST LOOK AT BOWIE.
ALIEN IN A CAPE-- A DEAD GIVEAWAY.
THAT'S HOW YOU KNOW SUPERMAN IS DOWN FOR ANYTHING.
"LOOK, UP IN THE SKY.
WAIT, KIDS DON'T LOOK."
( LAUGHTER ) THE CO-WRITER OF "SOLO" SAYS OF
DONALD GLOVER'S LANDO, "I LOVE THE FLUIDITY.
SORT OF THE SPECTRUM OF SEXUALITY THAT DONALD APPEALS TO
AND THAT DROIDS ARE A PART OF."
OH, YEAH, THE DROIDS ARE PART OF IT.
I MEAN, ARTOO HAS ALWAYS HAD SOME PRETTY SEXY SCENES.
♪ ♪
THAT'S ACTUAL FOOTAGE.
( APPLAUSE ) WALT DISNEY, WE AWAIT YOUR
LAWSUITS.
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S ABOUT TIME "STAR WARS"
HAD SOME PROUD AND OPEN L.G.B.T.Q. CHARACTERS.
FOR PETE'S SAKE, IT'S OKAY TO WATCH A BROTHER AND SISTER MAKE
OUT, BUT WE CAN'T WATCH TWO MEN KISS?
STAR WARS IS A STORY OF EMPOWERMENT IN THE FACE OF
DISCRIMINATION.
>> WE DON'T SERVE THEIR KIND HERE.
>> STEPHEN: THAT, OF COURSE, WAS AN EARLY CAMEO BY MIKE PENCE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) YEAH, HE'S GOOD.
HE'S GOOD.
THE FULL SPECTRUM OF SEXUALITY HAS ALWAYS BEEN THERE, BUT THEY
JUST WOULDN'T COME OUT AND SAY IT.
WE KNOW CHEWBACCA IS A FURRY.
AND DARTH VADER IS CLEARLY PART OF THE LIFESTYLE.
HE DRESSES LIKE A DOMINATRIX.
>> REMEMBER, THE SAFE WORD IS PUMPKIN PATCH.
>> STEPHEN: WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU.
ZACHARY QUINTO IS HERE.
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, PEOPLE ARE GETTING HIGH ON CHEESE.
STICK AROUND!