- Hey everybody, happy Thursday.
Now today's video is all about emotionally immature parents,
and how to deal with them.
But before we jump into that, are you new to my channel?
Welcome.
I am a licensed therapist
creating educational mental health videos,
and I release those videos on Mondays and on Thursdays,
so make sure you're subscribed
and have your notifications turned on
so that you don't miss out.
Now, when I first started working on this video,
I couldn't help but think,
it's kinda like as if Michael Scott,
the main character from The Office,
played by Steve Carell, was your father.
He could refuse to see that
he isn't the center of attention,
throw tantrums when he didn't get his way,
and need constant care and attention
when his feelings are hurt.
And, instead of communicating with you,
he could mock you or call you names.
Ugh, that's gonna be so annoying.
Not to mention, make having a relationship with him at all
extremely difficult.
Now if you don't watch The Office as much as I do,
love that show,
or maybe you just want a more solid definition,
I would define an emotionally immature parent
as someone who lacks the emotional development
needed to recognize how they feel,
so first you gotta recognize how you feel,
be okay with it, and move onto parenting their child.
Emotionally immature parents get hung up
on their own experience,
and are unable to really be there for their children.
In many ways, I can see this overlapping
with emotionally unavailable parents.
Because if they can't handle regular life emotions,
how could the emotionally support their children?
They can't.
And if you want more information about
emotionally unavailable parents,
I have a video that I'll link in the description
about emotionally unavailable mothers.
So maybe that could help a little bit more.
Now, when I was reading up on this topic,
I came across an article on the blog
Heart, Spirit, and Mind,
and they really did an amazing job
describing emotional immaturity.
So I just wanted to read you a little bit from it.
And I'll link the complete article in the description
if you want to read the whole thing.
Now what they said is,
"Emotionally immature individuals walk through life
"blaming their problems on the people in their lives
"or their situation and circumstances.
"They blame others for their anger,
"sadness and depression, but rarely look inwardly.
"Instead of assuming responsibility for how they feel,
"they expect others in their life
"to see their point of view.
"They attempt to control others
"which is something that you just cannot control.
"Emotionally immature people are emotionally dependent.
"They seek to find reasons to justify their feelings
"and are often skilled at manipulating others.
"Rather than accept what is,
"emotionally dependent people tend to obsess
"about how to get others to think like them.
"They will resort to unhealthy behaviors
"to get their way, even if it costs them
"what was once a loving relationship."
Now, I'm sure after reading that,
even myself like, you could think of a few people
that you've had contact with in your life
who were emotionally immature.
But if you still aren't sure,
here are a few signs, or red flags,
that someone in your life is emotionally immature.
Number one, they always blame others
for anything that goes wrong or upsets them,
and are unable to see their own role in it.
Sure, there are times in our life
when people hurt us, and you know,
maybe we didn't even do anything to cause it.
But usually, if you just think about it,
life is a lot more complicated than that.
So notice if they're unable to take responsibility
for anything that went wrong,
and always expect others to say sorry for everything.
That's a good indicator that you are dealing with
an emotionally immature person.
They love being the victim,
and want people to feel sorry for them constantly.
Red flag number two,
you were a parentified child.
Now this sign is specific to having a parent
who is emotionally immature,
but it's very common if a parent can't be there for us,
emotionally, we will learn how to manage our own experience
very early on.
We'll quickly learn to put aside our own upsets
so that we can still get things done,
or take care of our siblings.
You may have even struggled to date when you were younger
because you didn't have time,
or maybe the people your age,
just seemed too immature for you,
'cause you were like at a whole nother level.
Red flag number three,
they are attention seeking.
Do they need you to text, call, show up, all the time,
or shower them with gifts and affection?
And if they don't get that attention,
they throw a fit, calling you names,
saying that you were never there for them,
or even laundry listing all of the things
you've done to hurt them over the years?
They might be emotionally immature.
Red flag number four,
they don't have many close friends.
And if they do,
those relationships don't usually last very long,
or are horribly tumultuous.
Because they're so volatile
and unable to form healthy connections,
friendships usually end in these huge fights.
And if they're married,
they either get divorced after a few years,
or the spouse will just give in to everything they want
and apologize for anything and everything,
simply to keep the peace and stop the fighting.
And the fifth and final one that I'm gonna mention here,
I'm sure there are more,
and you can leave those in the comments,
but that is that if they're super sensitive to
any hurtful thing done or said to them,
but, and this is a big but,
they are completely oblivious to how their actions
could harm other people.
It's like pain is only something that they can feel.
And they have every right to lash out
and say the most hurtful things in retaliation.
You, on the other hand, are expected to just deal with it,
and apologize for upsetting them in the first place,
almost like you caused them,
or you're to blame them for being mean to you.
And we can notice this sign
when we try to talk things out with them.
They can lash out, be extremely hurtful,
only to expect us to still apologize
for the entire situation.
Remember, they are so stuck in their own emotions.
Think of how children can be really upset
and throw tantrums because they didn't get their way,
that's kind of the mind frame
that we're considering for them, okay?
And they can't even consider that someone else
could have another perspective,
or be hurt by what they're doing.
They are only able to see their side.
Now, like I said, there are so many more signs
that someone in your life could be emotionally immature,
so, feel free to do your own research,
and leave those down in the comments below.
But now I would like to move into
how we can best deal with someone who acts this way.
And unfortunately, we can't help them change.
You know this, we can't force people to change, right?
And we can't make them see the faults in their ways.
Because they are emotionally immature,
they're really unable to see their role in any upsets,
and instead point fingers at other people,
expecting them to take full blame.
Their emotional ineptitudes make
real and healthy conversations nearly impossible.
And the only way to really move past
any fights or disagreements,
is to pretend that it didn't happen at all,
or take all the blame on yourself.
Now, with all that being said,
that doesn't mean that we can't have compassion for them,
and be sad that they aren't able
to have real connected relationships.
Because we can, we can feel for them.
However, we have to remember,
that we can't help someone who won't help themselves.
And people who are emotionally immature,
usually don't seek out therapy.
And even if they do, they usually hate their therapists,
and say things like, ugh, they just didn't get me,
or they just don't understand the story I was telling them.
They just didn't get my point of view.
So it's very possible that,
they could stay like this forever.
And that's why the only way to really deal with a parent,
or friend, who is emotionally immature,
is to first do some work yourself.
You will need to figure out what it is you want
from the relationship with this person,
be as honest as possible,
and then figure out what they are able to give you.
Right, we have two separate lists.
And you may want to put these two separate lists,
or journal entries, on like two separate pages.
Take your time with them, come back to them.
After you've written one,
do you want to go back to the other
and add something else, or take something away?
Because doing this can help us better see
how far apart, or maybe not,
these two things really are.
And come to terms with what they're able to give us.
It's so often that we don't take the time to consider this.
And instead, we expect them to change,
and to meet us where we are.
But, because they are not able to do that,
this can help us to see and figure out
how we can maybe get those needs met in other ways,
and in other relationships.
Because what we're needing still exists.
But because they are not able,
this can help us to see and figure out,
how we can maybe get those needs met in other ways,
and in other relationships.
Because our needs are still going to exist, you know,
we're still gonna have that same list,
and have those same things that we want.
But, that person that we may be asking,
for all those things from,
might not even have them to give to us.
And so, this can really be helpful.
Next, and this kind of goes in order,
is it can help to take some time and therapy
to grieve the loss of the relationship that you want,
and work to accept the relationship
that they're able to give you.
And trust me, this can take time,
but it's important to do the first exercise
prior to moving into this one.
Because we need to consider what they're able to give us,
and see if there's anything within that
that's okay and we kinda like,
and then grieve the things that
we aren't able to get from that relationship.
Does that make sense?
Like if I really needed them to
check in on me and rub my back when I was feeling bad,
or come over, just be more available emotionally,
and I know that I can call them
and talk to them when I'm having a hard time,
for just a few minutes, maybe that's all I get from that,
and that's okay, and I like that part.
But the other stuff that I'm wanting,
the rubbing my back and being available for me,
and coming to my house, I might have to grieve that loss.
So we kind of have to tease that out.
And my final tip is to spend less and less time with them.
Otherwise known as setting up healthy emotional boundaries,
and upholding them over time.
In order to be okay,
you may have to distance yourself from them,
and only engage when you really have to.
You could also work to keep your conversation
shallow and casual, like how's the weather?
Or, how was that last vacation you went on?
Or, a new restaurant they tried out,
or just stuff that really isn't
emotionally connected or charged for you.
Figuring out where these emotional boundaries are,
and upholding them, will be key
to you not getting dragged into their drama,
and ensure that you're able to have a light or casual
relationship with them.
Because I've heard from a lot of you,
that you just don't want to cut people out,
and not see them again,
and I completely understand.
So sometimes this is our way to continue
a mild relationship without getting too entangled.
And I know that having a relationship
with someone like this can be really hard.
But I hope this gave you some red flags to look out for,
and most importantly,
ways that you can better manage it.
If the person who is emotionally immature is your parent,
know that it's okay to give yourself space,
and only engage at a level that feels good and safe for you.
Because remember, we can't make other people get better,
we can only do better for ourselves.
Thanks for watching, and I will see you next time.
Bye.
(jazz music)