I can recall another one like that.
I think it was in ’85, when all that
androgyny s**t was going on.
What was wild was that the guy who
looked the most like a bitch was getting all the women.
Even I had Jheri curls coming out
and I had my s**t slicked to the side and all that.
If you wearing baggy s**t now and you acting hard,
if you from L.A., you motherf**kers was wearing some
strange s**t.
We in the club, we getting our groove on, shaking it up,
and Prince came in.
That's when “Purple Rain” came out, and
Prince was the s**t. You know what I’m sayin’?
Prince had on like a – it was like a Zorro-type outfit.
He had the ruffles that
come down the front, he had the big perm fluffed out
and all that. And this mustache
that was drawn on his face.
It looked like something that a
figure skater would wear. You know what I’m saying?
And he was with his whole crew, and he
had this other cat named Micki Free.
And Micki Free was, like, the new cat in Shalamar,
that, when he joined the group,
I heard mad cats were like,
“Yo, Shalamar got a new girl in there, man.
That bitch fine like a motherf**ker.”
They was talking about Micki Free.
OK?
Micki Free is not a girl. Alright?
They came over where we was at,
Prince talks to my brother.
Hello, Eddie Murphy.
Prince!
What's up?
I'm a big fan of your comedies.
Ooh, that's hot, Prince.
Would you like to come to my house
and listen to some music?
Ooh, that's cool.
Fruity, get the car.
Assemble your crew.
I'll be outside.
We went up there.
We get there, he puts the tracks on, tracks was slammin’. You know what I mean?
and we listening to the music and everything.
We groovin’ at the crib.
They got girls over there.
Yeah, nice environment.
It was tight.
This bores me.
Is anyone up for a game of basketball?
[Laughs]
How about you and your friends
versus me and the Revolution?
[Laughs]
So I was like, this n**** must be joking, man.
I mean, I don't know where he's going with this s**t,
but he was dead serious.
He had his help or whatever go and
get some, like, shorts and sneakers and gave ’em to us.
And I'm laughing. I'm like,
this is gonna be some funny-ass s**t.
So they come out, right? And I look at them.
And they still got on the same s**t
they was wearing at the club.
[Laughing] It was wild.
I was like, I know they ain't thinking about
playing ball in that, but they were.
I said, “Hey, you know what?
Yo, we gonna call this the shirts against the blouses.”
[Laughing]
And when I said that,
this look came on his face.
-Uh-uh. -He ice grilled me! -Uh-uh.
And I'm looking back at him, thinking to myself,
you know, what are you angry about?
I mean, you know where you got that shirt from,
and it damn sure wasn't the men's department.
I mean, I kind of learned something that day.
Never judge a book by its cover.
This cat could ball, man.
Play ball.
He was crossing cats like Iverson.
Crossed me out!
Made my knees stand together.
He was gettin’ rebounds like Charles Barkley,
snatchin’ it down.
Shoot the J.
Shoot it!
Let's run a play.
Computer blue.
Darling picky.
They was kind of settin’ these fruity picks, man.
You know what I’m sayin’?
Like, you be trying to check Prince,
and then you got this cat standing
behind you, and he's getting close to you,
and his hands is out like this.
You don't really wanna be bent over
in front of a cat like that.
You know what I’m saying?
Owww! Prince was incredible!
Prince, you got a towel, man?
It's kind of hot out here, man.
Why don't you purify yourself
in the waters of Lake Minnetonka?
Good!
In your face, Charlie Murphy.
Good!
Good hustle.
Yo, man, I'm not on your team.
Uhhnn... Uhhnn... Uhhnn... Uhhnn... Uhhnn... Uhhnn...
I mean, it wasn't even like it was close.
It was a landslide victory.
Game.
Blouses.
I was there!
I seen it!
You don't believe me?
You think I'm making it up?
You think I'm trying to,
uh, you know,
enhance the story because I'm involved
and try to give myself an excuse for losing
’cause I'm telling you a story about Prince?
I dare you to challenge Prince to a
game of ball one-on-one.
Challenge him! Aight?
And then make sure your people is there to see the game!
’Cause you might get embarrassed.
Trust me.
Alright. He beat you in basketball, and then what happened?
After it was all over,
he took us in the house and served us pancakes.
Pancakes.
I gotta admit, though – it was a good game.
I wish I could say the same for you
and your crew of flunkies.
Do you guys want some grapes?
I mean, you know, there's some great storytellers
in the world that we live in today, man.
Bitches.
Who the f**k can make up that s**t?
We gonna hang out with Rick James tonight. You know what I’m sayin’?
Here he comes out the room, and I look at him,
and I'm not bulls**tting, man,
I seen, like – like a orange... His aura or whatever? I seen it.
It was orange.
♪ Give it to me baby ♪
We started kicking it, and he was mad n*****ish, man,
which was, you know, right up my alley.
I'm one of the baddest motherf**kers of all time.
One of the best singers,
and one of the best-lookin’ motherf**kers you've ever seen.
Hold my drink, bitch.
He’d walked up to any chick
and lick the whole side of their face, man.
I'm Rick James, bitch.
Enjoy yourself.
[Laughs]
We got closer, started hanging out.
My brother didn't do any of this s**t.
So at night, when Eddie would break out,
we would all be getting crazy and wild.
If I was hanging with Rick,
he had this thing with me where he
used to always, like, f**k with me, man.
I don't know what started it.
Charlie, he was hanging out with the big dogs, you know?
Charlie didn't know.
He was doing crazy things, and I had to straighten him out.
Sometimes, I had to go upside his head.
Things, like, escalated to the point where, you know,
my man got too familiar, and I ended up
having to whoop his ass, man. You know? Because
he would step across the line...habitually.
He's a habitual line-stepper.
First time, you know, I had to end up
whooping his ass, uh...we went to Studio 54.
We walking up into the VIP section, and, um...
I'm looking around and seeing who was there,
and looking at the girls
and everything, and all of a sudden, I heard someone go.
Charlie Murphy!
That was cold-blooded!
[Laughs]
He had this ring on to commemorate
this song he had put out called “Unity.”
And this was imprinted in that black head of his
for at least a week.
Unityyy!
Eddie and everybody else thought that
that was the funniest s**t.
So that threw me in a weird space, ’cause I'm like,
yeah, this is Rick James.
He's a star.
I'm Rick James, bitch!
This is a celebration, bitch! [Laughs]
Maybe I'm overreacting.
I actually went there.
Like, maybe I shouldn't do nothin’.
But my ghetto side was going,
“Yo, stomp this motherf**ker out right here.
What the f**k is wrong with him?”
I drunk some wine, and
I'm just getting started, bitches!
[Laughs]
He totally just wrote me off, like
I'm that n**** to steal on. You know what I’m sayin’?
But what, he gonna smack me back?
I'm Rick James. He’s Charlie Murphy.
I waited, ’cause I knew what hotel he was stayin’ in.
Eddie and them went home.
I said, I'll be right back.
I shot over to the hotel, went up to his room,
knocked on the door.
So then he comes in there, and I said,
“Look, bitch, I'm Rick James. Smacked him!”
[Laughs]
Oh! Charlie Murphy!
He had his hand cocked to throw another right hand.
When he was comin’ for it, I just came.
Bow!
Caught him with the front.
He’ll tell it like he gave me some kind of
Bruce Lee cross kick or somethin’.
I kicked the s**t out of him, man.
[Screams]
The wind was knocked out of him.
And then he screams out,
“Security!”
The one in the front, he had crooked eyes.
His one eye was lookin’ at me,
and the other one was lookin’ at Rick.
Rick had edged over by the window.
Now, Darkness, the tables are turned.
Do with him whatever you'd like.
You motherf**kers take one more step,
I'm kicking this n**** out the motherf**kin’ window.
Bobby, freeze!
You know you was wrong for what you did to me earlier.
Look what you did to my face!
I'm sorry, Charlie Murphy.
It was an accident.
I was having too much fun.
I offer you a truce:
the stickiest of the icky.
You wanna smoke with the old boy Rick James?
Yo, man, my forehead is bumpin’, man.
Now that you mention it,
I think I'm bleedin’ inside my chest.
But I got the medicine.
Bitch, come over here and have sex with Charlie Murphy!
I'm Rick James, bitch.
[Clapping]
That was how that particular incident ended,
but it wasn't the last time I had to whoop his ass... whoop his ass... whoop his ass...
Don't you think Charlie's a little
old to be takin’ karate?
He probably taking it with the little kids.
Yeah, Charlie whooped my ass in his dreams.
I told you, Charlie had delusions of grandeur in his head.
The Studio 54 thing, that blew over. You know what I’m sayin’?
But then, you know, here we go again.
Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
[Laughs]
Rick is incorrigible. You know?
He shows up at my brother's house f**ked up.
- Nice place, n****.
So he had these dirty cowboy boots on.
Pushes us out of the way, barges in our house.
My brother had these brand new couches – they was suede. Right?
And he gets on the couch and says,
“Why don't I stretch out?”
[Laughs]
And just started grinding mud on this new couch, man.
Yeah, I remember grinding my feet in Eddie's couch.
You remember why you did it?
’Cause Eddie could buy another one.
F**k your couch, n****.
Buy another one, you rich motherf**ker.
F**k your couch, n****!
F**k your couch!
Darknesses! Darknesses!
Because of my complexion, he used to call me Darkness.
He calls me and my brother Darkness.
He calls us Darkness Brothers.
See, this is long before Wesley Snipes.
Back then, we was the blackest n****s on the planet,
according to Rick James.
Eddie – both of them was Brother Darkness.
Twin Brother Darkness.
And we standing there lookin’ at him,
he's lookin’ right in our eyes,
as he grinds his mud.
See, I never just did things just to do them.
Come on.
I mean, what am I gonna do,
just all of a sudden just jump up
and grind my feet in somebody's couch
like it’s, you know, somethin’ to do?
Come on. I got a little more sense than that.
Yeah I remember grindin’ my feet in Eddie's couch.
[Tape rewinding]
See, I never just did things just to do them.
Come on.
I mean, what am I gonna do,
just all of a sudden just jump up
and grind my feet in somebody's couch
like it’s, you know, somethin’ to do?
Come on. I got a little more sense than that.
Yeah I remember grindin’ my feet
in Eddie's couch.
But then it was like, you know what? Let’s handle this.
We went over there.
Hey! Charlie Murphy!
We held him down, and we just whaled on his legs.
Auuughhh!
Auuughhh! You Darkness, you black, midnight,
evil motherf**ker! Black magic, Darkness!
You raw darkness, you...f**kin’... delirious...motherf**ker. Ahh!
You are cold as ice.
But still, Rick James, even after taking a beating like that...
F**k your couch, n****.
This motherf**ker’s goin’ out.
His legs is like linguine.
I've been kicked out of better homes than this!
I'll be back,
you black motherf**ker!
Wide-nose-havin’ motherf**ker!
They should've never gave you n****s money!
You don't know how to appreciate s**t!
You know you can get another couch!
What am I gonna do about my legs, Eddie Murphy?
My brother, you know – he's a lot more compassionate than I am.
He's lookin’, and the limo's drivin’ off.
And he said, “Wow, man. Rick really needs help.”
I was like, “Yo, we just gave him some help.
Bust his f**kin’ ass and s**t.
I bet you he won't come over here
and disrespect like that again.
Wrong.
Wrong!
We talkin’ about Rick James, man.
Cocaine's a hell of a drug.
[Laughs]