(audience cheers)
- Uh, nice to meet you.
(audience laughs)
I don't know what's going to happen.
(audience laughs)
Uh.. I'm 25 and the internet ruined my life.
Yeah. The internet ruined my life,
'cause I was 12 years old when I watched 2 Girls 1 Cup.
(audience laughs)
Yeah, that'll just change how you live,
but.. I haven't blinked since.
(audience laughs)
People are like, "Oh, Millennials are so lazy.
Like they're so lazy. They don't want to work."
They're just like, "Yeah, of course, 'cause I watched that,"
and I was like, "What is a job even?"
Like you want me to be an accountant after that?
I don't think so. I'm going to get this money.
(audience laughs)
Don't you think it's crazy
that nobody in this room
will ever make the same kind of impact on society that..
(audience laughs)
that those two girls made.
(audience claps)
I'm in my mid-20's. I don't like people my age,
like they always put their faults on you,
their weaknesses, on you.
Like I was shopping with my friend, Niko,
for like two hours. I don't know why for that..
For me, like shopping is just finding weird places to sit.
That's all. I was in the rafters. They're like,
"We didn't even know we had seats up there." I was like,
"Well, you do, and my phone's at 7%. Let's get out of here."
(audience laughs)
We're two hours into shopping, and she said to me,
"I wish you were gay so you could help me shop."
Yeah. I said, "Why don't you just make a better wish?"
(audience laughs)
(audience claps)
Yeah. Just wish to be fashionable. I don't know.
(audience laughs)
If I wanted to be over there,
I wouldn't wish that you were a horse.
(audience laughs)
Yeah. I would just wish to be over there.
Creating this unnecessary gay middle man.
We don't need it.
I'm a pretty reserved person.
I attribute that to my mom just 'cause I have a deaf mom.
I don't know if any of you guys have a deaf mom,
but it's the same thing as having a mom,
but just like she can't hear.
(audience laughs)
Just to catch you guys up to speed with that.
My mom wasn't born deaf.
She became deaf over time, so she doesn't sign that well,
and she doesn't have the accent or anything.
(audience laughs)
When I was younger, my mom used to use hearing aids,
but she didn't like to 'cause they were big and bulky.
She thought they were unattractive,
but what's really unattractive is
when you say, "What?" a hundred times in a conversation.
I'm just not into that personally.
My favorite thing about her not wearing her hearing aids
is when we're at a grocery store, paying for something,
cashier would bring the items through.
They'd always ask my mom the same question:
be like, "How are you going to pay? Cash or card?"
Simple question. Easy question. But my mom, no hearing aids,
what she would do is she would read their lips,
and then she would look down at me and my sister to reaffirm
what the cashier had just said.
So, the cashier would be like, "How are you going to pay?
Cash or card," and we would be like, "How are you going to pay?
Cash or card?" And then my mom would just be confident,
like she heard it the first time.
She'd be like, "I'm going to pay with card,
and just pretend this never happened."
And we would just leave,
but the cashier would just be so confused.
Just so... "Just why.. did they translate my English.."
(audience laughs)
"into more English?" And then we just left.
Like there's still cashiers out there today who are like,
"I don't know what the fuck I spoke that day,
and I don't know how these children of the corn
knew what I was talking about."
(audience laughs)