- Gonna tell you something I don't tell a lot of people.
I don't... I ain't feel black some days.
(audience laughs)
I feel like an alien that snatched a black body
and didn't do any research at all, didn't do anything.
Didn't read a book, didn't watch a movie,
doesn't know what Boyz N The Hood is but loves Trains.
(upbeat music)
- I feel like the person that you are
in a split second decision, that's who you really are.
When you don't get to weight the options
or worry about what people might think.
That snap decision?
That's you, in here.
I'll give you an example.
I was walking down the street in New York.
This dude was walking down the opposite side of the street
from me just texting and walking in his own little world.
Just like texting and walking.
And then he walked out into the street
but he didn't have the light
and cars are coming right at him
and he has no idea because he's still
just texting and walking.
Just in his own little world, just texting and walking.
And then without thinking, I saw a car that was coming
right at him and I just ran for him
as fast and as hard as I could.
I tackled him out of the way of a car
and ended up saving his life.
(applause)
And not 8 hours later I grabbed an old lady by the face
so I didn't fall down.
The same person did both those things
in the same day, all right?
Not a full 8 hours later okay?
Not a full shift at Dennys later
I'm walking and I slip on a grape because I'm a child
and as I'm falling I reach for anything
to keep my balance, okay?
And I'm not looking, but I know it's a face all right?
I knew it was a face immediately.
My finger went in her mouth, okay?
(laughter)
I fish hooked an old lady so I didn't fall down,
and why should I?
I'm a hero.
(laughter)
The most recent time I got broken up with in a text message
I had terrible food poisoning, all right?
So I was at home on the toilet
dealing with my food poisoning, okay?
So I'm sitting there on the toilet and my ankle buzzed.
(laughter)
My ankle buzzed though because that's where my phone is
when it's in my pocket and my pants are down, all right?
(laughter)
So my ankle was shaking so I had to answer my ankle.
I don't want you to be confused going forward okay?
So I went in my ankle, answered it, flipped open my phone
because that liberal arts degree turned out real well.
(laughter)
So I flipped open my phone, read the text message
and it said 'I don't love you.
I don't think I ever loved you.
I don't think I could ever love you, it's over.'
(audience exclaims)
Now I feel like I've lost everything
because not only do I have terrible diarrhea
but a complete stranger just broke up with me.
This is a wrong number, I don't know who this is.
I text her back like 'baby we can make this work.'
(laughter)
I wanna ask you guys a question.
You ever go see a horror movie that's about a creepy kid,
like the kid is haunted.
Little kid's possessed, little kid like, like that kid?
Is it just me or is that kid never black?
(laughter)
Never?
But here's the thing, I think I know why.
Because a black mom would beat that out immediately.
If that were me in my house being like
"Red Rum,
Red Rum,
Red Rum',
my mom would be like
'Where was that base during choir practice?
You wanna get up in front of people
and act shamed you need to sing like that there.'
I don't even think a black mom would be scared.
She's come home, everything's floating all Poltergeist style
and she's like 'Okay.
Okay so you can make everything float
but you can't clean that room?
You can't clean that room?
No, I'ma be in there in five minutes,
we'll see who's haunted okay?'
(laughter)
I don't know if you can tell by looking at me,
but I was fired from being in a gang.
(laughter)
They kicked me out because I was too positive.
(laughter)
They were like 'Why you always smiling dawg?'
I'm like...
(laughter)
I mean none of are dead or in jail and we're a gang.
(laughter)
They also kicked me out because I apologize too much.
Our drivebys sounded like
(mimicks gunshots)
Sorry!
(laughter)
After a while I saw their point.
And even when it came down to it
and they were kicking me out, I was like
I just want to hang out with my friends,
and you guys are my friends,
and now I don't know what I'm gonna do,
why do I have to leave?
And they were like "Bruh you giggle!"
(laughter)
"You're just like a bad influence dawg,
you over here bringing in puppies and lemonade."
So I'm out.
I didn't know that I looked busted today
until a homeless man didn't bother asking me for change.
And he asked everyone, all right?
He was like "Hey bro, hey bro, hey bro, hey bro...
Hey bro, hey bro, hey bro."
Oh it hurt my soul.
(laughter)
I took an Uber to get here and I've come to a decision.
We should not be able to see the car
in the app on the way to pick us up.
It's a bad idea.
You are only watching mistakes.
You are just watching like,
oh yeah six rights and you'll be here, that's perfect.
That is wonderful, that's just what I wanted.
No take another right, that makes sense.
No, no you should pass me, you're right.
Sometimes the car will disappear
and then reappear in a place that is still not here.
And you're like wow, teleportation,
I had no idea we had reached this level of technology.
Sometimes the car will just start spinning,
and it'll spin further away from you
and you're like is he drunk?
Should I get in the car?
It's terrible, and it's disrespectful
to the driver, you know?
Because its only their job to drive you,
not to look cool on the way to pick you up.
(laughter)
It's not their job to drift down the street
and land in front of you perfectly.
Pop the car door open like Ryan Gosling.
It's just their job to drive you.
They're not at work yet, and you're watching them.
Imagine if you had that.
(laughter)
Imagine if your boss had you on a screen
before you got to work.
(laughter)
Okay, this man know he late
and he going to Starbucks, all right.
(laughter)
Okay, we gonna have to have a discussion.
I'm gonna tell you guys something because we're family.
I'm gonna tell you something I don't tell a lot of people.
I ain't even feel black some days.
I feel like an alien that snatched a black body
and didn't do any research at all, didn't do anything.
Didn't read a book, didn't watch a movie,
doesn't know what Boyz N the Hood is but loves Trains!
(laughter)
I don't know if I haven't had enough dates for a grown man
or too many dates for someone who's autistic
because I'm definitely on the spectrum.
(laughter)
I talk about sharks too much
on the front end of the conversation.
(laughter)
I do know what one of my problems is.
I lived alone too long.
I think everybody should live alone
and be single for at least a year,
get to know yourself, right?
Get to figure yourself out, because maybe it's you.
(laughter)
You get to live alone, get to be single,
get to figure out what's going on in here.
But if you do it too long you just evolve into a monster.
Just have a downward spiral.
The first few months of living alone that you live alone
are the most liberating months of your entire life.
And the next months of living alone
that you live alone are the most
depressing months of your entire life.
I had the weekend off the first month I ever lived alone.
I was like oh,
looks like somebody's gonna be naked
for the next three days.
I don't gotta wear clothes for nobody.
I can be naked over here, naked over here,
it's gonna be great.
I had that same weekend off six months later
I was like what's the point of clothes?
I knew I was depressed when I started getting gifts
that were purely just to keep me alive.
(laughter)
I just start getting puzzles left and right.
My one friend, he gave me a cake which would normally
be nice, but he gave me too much cake.
He gave me 7/8ths of a huge, huge chocolate birthday cake.
And I think in his head he was like
"this can keep him alive at least a week
and then I've done my part.
I can't babysit."
But living alone, being single, that's too much freedom.
I need a girlfriend or a roommate now
just to shame me back to reality.
You can do whatever you want.
I can do whatever I want no consequences any time I want?
I got in the shower with an umbrella
to see how it would feel.
(laughter)
You looking at me like you don't know
what I'm talking about.
I got naked, all right, got in the shower,
turned the water on, lifted the umbrella like
'It does feel like rain.
Will someone call today?'
(laughter)
It's just like being outside
except I control the weather.