[ Cheers and applause ]
-Let's get to the news.
The House voted last week to pass legislation
protecting same-sex marriages,
because everyone deserves
the right to be secretly unhappy.
[ Laughter ]
According to a new report,
the Biden administration isn't worried
about Elon Musk's ownership of Twitter
and doesn't view the platform
as being a vital part of its political strategy.
Said Biden, "The future of campaigning is buttons."
[ Laughter ]
According to a new poll, 37% of Republicans say
they don't want former President Trump
to run in 2024, so Trump's gonna take that hint
and just continue to run for 2020.
[ Laughter ]
Before announcing his Senate run,
Republican consultants reportedly hired a law firm
to compile a 500-page dossier
on Georgia Senate candidate Herschel Walker.
It was just the names of his kids.
[ Laughter, audience "ohhs" ]
Oh, sure, now that he lost, we're all sensitive.
[ Laughter ]
During a speech on Saturday
at the New York Young Republican Club's annual gala,
Georgia Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene
complained about liberal policies
and said, "You can pick up a butt plug or a dildo
at Target nowadays."
Or more likely, you go in to buy a dildo
and end up leaving with a bunch of stuff you didn't need.
[ Laughter ]
That's how they get ya.
"Wait in the car, kids. I'll be right back."
[ Laughter ]
Arizona Senator Kyrsten Sinema announced last week
that she's leaving the Democratic Party
and registering as an independent
because if there's one thing she's desperate,
it's for people to think she's "indie."
[ Laughter ]
That's right, Arizona Senator Kyrsten Sinema
announced that she's leaving the Democratic Party.
No word on what kind of party she's going to.
I'm gonna say a Muppet rave?
[ Laughter ]
The federal government is set to run out of money
on Friday at midnight.
But it was worth it for those Taylor Swift tickets.
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Chuckles ]
Archaeologists in Florida believe they've discovered
a shipwreck from the 1800s in the sand of Daytona Beach.
It's surprising because normally all you find there
are train wrecks.
[ Laughter ]
"Take this picture.
I promise they'll never use it in a late-night talk show."
[ Laughter ]
Comedian Dave Chappelle brought Elon Musk up onstage
during a show last night in San Francisco.
You mean, San Francisco,
where a bunch of tech people live?
How did that go?
-Don't say nothing.
-It's like bringing Mel Gibson onstage at the Apollo.
They don't like you there.
[ Laughter ]
And finally, Bloomberg News published an op-ed last week
titled "We Have to Talk About Adolf Hitler,"
which was also the least-popular song
on the "Encanto" soundtrack.
[ Laughter ]
President Biden today signed
the Respect for Marriage Act into law.
Respecting marriage? Wow, he really is
undoing all of Trump's orders.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Los Angeles Mayor Karen Bass yesterday officially resigned
from the House of Representatives,
which means she's the only person in Los Angeles
who doesn't have at least two gigs.
"Me? I'm a mayor/ congresswoman/waiter."
[ Laughter ]
When asked yesterday if he would consider
leaving the Democratic Party,
like Arizona Senator Kyrsten Sinema,
West Virginia Senator Joe Manchin told reporters,
"I'll look at all of these things.
I've always looked at all those things,
but I have no intention of doing anything right now."
Well, he sounds like a Democrat to me.
[ Laughter and applause ]
New York Mayor Eric Adams spoke today
at the National Mathematics Improvement Project,
but this is sad -- he used the opportunity
to promote division.
[ Laughter ]
Coming around, you guys.
You know what's happening right now.
You're doing the math on that joke
and it's working up. [ Laughter and applause ]
It's adding up. It's adding up.
"The New York Times" yesterday released its list
of The 93 Most Stylish 'People' of 2022.
Don't bother asking, Portia from "White Lotus."
[ Laughter ]
Sam Bankman-Fried,
the disgraced founder of cryptocurrency exchange FTX,
was arrested yesterday in the Bahamas.
Oh, they got him, huh?
I can't believe he wasn't able to blend in.
[ Laughter ]
Who fingered him, the humidity?
[ Laughter ]
HBO tonight debuted "Pelosi in the House,"
which is a new documentary
about House Speaker Nancy Pelosi
and not, as I had assumed,
a sitcom on the CW.
[ Laughter ]
According to a new study,
people who use an alarm clock to wake up
are more tired than people who wake up naturally.
Though, people who wake up naturally tend to be more fired.
[ Laughter ]
A cow in Virginia recently escaped from a trailer
and crashed through the glass doors of an office --
Oh, sorry, I read the punch line first.
What's black and white and red all over?
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Ohhs ]
Another math joke.
[ Laughter ]
And, finally, according to new research,
taking the erectile dysfunction drug Viagra
can decrease the risk of developing
Alzheimer's disease, which is great,
because there's nothing worse
than getting an erection and forgetting why.
[ Laughter and applause ]
"Who was here?"
[ Applause ]
The White House invited thousands of people to gather on
the South Lawn yesterday to watch President Biden sign
the Respect for Marriage Act into law, because nothing says
"you have my respect" like hosting a party
and not letting anyone into the house.
[ Laughter ]
According to a new report, President Biden has been venting
to friends and confidantes about the media's focus on his age.
Said Biden, "Can you believe this crap, Walter?
How about you, Zeke? Jedediah? Oh, crap."
[ Laughter ]
"I am old."
President Biden today attended the U.S.-Africa Business Forum,
but not before his aides reminded him
several times -- regular handshakes.
[ Laughter ]
In a new documentary about her tenure in Congress,
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi is shown talking about
former president Trump, and says, "He's totally insane."
Wow, he is going to be so furious when he definitely
watches that documentary on Nancy Pelosi.
[ Laughter ]
"Oh, Nancy -- I know her."
[ Laughter ]
"Well, this will be fun.
My old friend Nancy. There's a documentary."
[ Laughter ]
"I love my docs."
[ Laughter ]
After being arrested earlier in this week in the Bahamas,
disgraced cryptocurrency exchange co-founder
Sam Bankman-Fried is reportedly being held in
a prison notorious for harsh conditions.
For one thing, no conditioner.
[ Laughter ]
In a new interview, North Dakota Senator Kevin Cramer said that
he is not convinced that former president Trump
is all in on running again and added,
"Losing another election could be very damaging to his pride,
not to mention the Capitol building."
[ Laughter ]
According to a new survey, 32% of Gen Z are likely to call in
sick at work when they're feeling unwell,
which is shocking --
a Gen Z person making a phone call.
[ Laughter ]
According to a new survey, 13% of Americans believe
that they are worse than the average person
at recommending gift ideas.
Well, not me.
Nana loved her roller blades.
[ Laughter ]
We had a lot of discussion of what the picture should be.
Mike Scollins, who wrote the joke, and is --
I think I can say this -- a terrible person...
[ Laughter ]
...wanted the photo to be a grandmother in a wheelchair
holding up a pair of roller blades.
[ Laughter ]
I think the one we went with actually kind of looks like
she knows what she's doing.
[ Laughter ]
Like, she looks scared like she's seeing an old boyfriend.
[ Laughter ]
These are the kind of discussions we have.
Now we'll have a nice, uplifting holiday.
Hopefully the last joke is holiday-themed
to sort of clear the palate.
I see you're checking to see what it is, Baze,
and now you remember.
Let's watch. Oh, no.
And finally, the adult website PornHub --
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
And finally, the adult website PornHub announced
yesterday that one of the most popular search terms for 2022
was a type of Japanese anime.
"It's called hentai," said your son way too quickly.
[ Laughter ]
Merry Christmas.
[ Laughter ]
After teasing a "major announcement"
on his social media platform Truth Social,
former President Trump announced today
he is releasing a collection of digital trading cards.
It's what his doctors are calling "a new symptom."
[ Laughter ]
That's right, former President Trump
is releasing a collection of digital trading cards
that chronicle his life and career,
like that time he won the Super Bowl,
or that time he won NASCAR,
or that time he went to space and didn't need a helmet.
[ Laughter ]
I know, we always thought he was Forrest Gump,
but apparently he does, too.
[ Laughter ]
First lady, Dr. Jill Biden has reportedly grown
more enthusiastic over the last three months
about the possibility of President Biden
running for a second term.
Anything to put off her having to deal with
a newly retired guy.
[ As Biden ] Get ready, babe, because I'm about to
get into model trains big-time!
[ Laughter ]
[ Normal voice ] The Biden administration announced today
that U.S. households can now order an additional
eight free at-home COVID tests.
It's the perfect gift for the person who has everything but
isn't sure if it's the flu, COVID, or RSV.
[ Laughter ]
The United Nations voted yesterday to remove Iran
from a panel which promotes women's rights,
which is kind of like Arby's being stripped
of its Michelin star.
[ Laughter ]
I think they still have one,
because I think they got two Michelin stars.
Goldman Sachs is reportedly considering cutting bonuses
this year for investment bankers.
As for how they're cutting it -- with baking powder!
All right.
[ Laughter ]
It's not fair to say all finance guys do cocaine,
just the winners!
[ Laughter ]
Producers yesterday released a trailer for a new reality series
called "MILF MANOR."
[ Laughter ]
"MILF MANOR?" You mean Williams-Sonoma?
[ Laughter ]
Isn't that what that's called?
I'm genuinely asking.
And finally, a deer in India recently got stuck
in an ATM vestibule.
But good luck trying to get just one buck
out of an ATM.
[ Scattered laughter ]
And that -- and that was how Brian Donaldson
ruined Christmas.
[ Laughter ]
You guys, that was the monologue, everybody!