Listen.
I come to the lake to relax and drink
suspiciously warm beer way too early in the morning.
And, uh...
Would you look at that.
I'm all out of beer.
See you later.
A couple of ground rules: first,
lifejackets on at all times.
You landlubbers don't have your lake legs yet.
And I don't need anybody going overboard today.
Second:
Under no circumstances
are you ever allowed to touch the wheel.
Other than that, have fun!
I have been up since 0500, made breakfast,
went on a lakeside run,
then spent the last 30 minutes trying to get you lazybones up and at 'em!
We can't waste a minute of the day!
What you want to do is get a good pile of kindling,
some newspaper, lighter fluid, get all that lit.
Get that good heat generated.
That's when the bigger logs go in!
Go outside?
Are you kidding? I'm not leaving this chair.
I've got air conditioning and snacks, and I've already finished a third
of my reading goal for the entire year.
I bet I can swim out to the buoy faster than you can.
Okay.
One, two, three go!
I like to come here to reflect.
Life moves so fast.
Sometimes you just got to slow down.
Take it easy and get back to what's important.
I don't need a tube or anything!
Just put me in the lake,
leave me alone and let the water take me where it may.
Here she goes.
See you later.
Oh, yeah.
She's a beaut.
Got her for a steal over at Ed's Boat Depot and Movie Rental.
They threw in a copy of Twister on DVD, too!
All right. When we get to the grocery store,
it is divide and conquer!
Everyone gets a list.
If you cannot find something on your list, report it to me immediately.
Do not, and I repeat, do not go rogue.
If it ain't on the list,
it ain't goin' in the cart, comprende?
This wood's too wet.
This wood's too wet!
It's not that I need a cell signal, I just...
What if someone needs me?
Or what if Reba decides to tour again?
You know those tickets will sell fast.
I'm going to be a mermaid
with a purple sparkly tail, long wavy hair, and my secret power
is I can talk to fish.
Okay.
If you're not going to take this seriously, it's not gonna be any fun!
We're not going round to Bergman's for the crawfish bowl this year?
We've done that as long as I can remember.
We're not going to the bonfire at the park either??
Well, you might as well call me an empty
Capri Sun, because you just crushed all my hopes and dreams.
All right. Who's up first on the inner tube?
No, I won't throw you off.
No, I swear I will not throw you off.
Fall in line for bug spray!
I got standard, deep woods, deet,
no deet, extra deet,
mostly deet, oops all deet...
All right, we got sparklers,
bottle rockets,
the Widowmaker, Uncle Randy's Exploding Legs,
the Grim Reaper's Yearly Bonus,
and-- huh?
Oh, oh yeah.
No, these are totally safe for kids.
Y'all ever think about how small we are in the grand scheme of Earth
and the universe?
Sorry.
I'm just reflecting on all the betrayal I've experienced this weekend.
Yes, I'm still upset about the crawfish boil!
It's like y'all got no respect for tradition!
Wanna see how long I can hold my breath?
Don't start counting till I go under!
Now, this is one lake activity I can get behind
because no one's gonna bother the person catching dinner.
My boat, my rules, my music.
(on radio) Hamburger in Utopia
Y'all come make some hot dogs!
S'mores?
Yeah I know it's 10 a.m.! Does it matter?
Y'all look out for amoebas in the water.
Don't let them get in your ears.
That's what happened to Uncle Dave.
Ate his brain.
I found some sunglasses, a cool rock, and a retainer.
There ya go!
If anyone asks where I am, you haven't seen me in hours.
Got it?
Woohoohoo! Who wants a crispy one?
Y'all better not be leaving this house without sunscreen!
Yeah, SPF 100!
Anything less, you might as well be French kissing the sun.
Eww.
I swear, if any of you kids dunk me or try any other funny business...
You need to respect the float!
Dadgummit!