how to be a filmmaker
follow these steps in you too can be
like us step 1
buy a camera now wait six months for it
to become obsolete buy a new camera and
repeat as necessary there's no end to
this cycle step 2 now buy a lens then
buy more lenses and sell our lenses and
buy Prime's then sell all your Prime's
and buy cine lenses then figure out how
you're gonna pay back your mom step 3
can afford brand-name gear Do It
Yourself check out when you slider check
out my fault focus yeah stabilizers are
too expensive step 4
now that you've acquired all your gear
line it up in a perfect grid and post it
on Instagram
step 5 learn film jargon such as the
following key jib speed fill glass
shutter zebra bouquet honey wagon Apple
box crafty stinger c-47 and star white
step 6
graduate from film school to pay off
your massive student loans start your
glamorous new job in the film industry
as a PA I said almond latte I'm being an
you imbecile
step 7 aspire to achieve the highest
resolution possible by my calculations
this baby shoots 50 K step 8
there is no such thing as too much
memory yeah I just picked up this baby
it's like 6 terabytes ok cool
yeah just picked up this bad boy like
it's like 3 petabytes step 9 if you come
across a red camera you're required by
law to post a picture of it on the
Internet my god that card is joy 56
gigabytes
step 10 learn how to cooperate with your
boom operator up then down down down
down up back up up up a little right
right right right up now you're in the
shot are we in film school here step 11
to improve your production value try
adding the following slow-mo
correction battabox lens flares on
Zimmer and explosions 712 learn what a
gaffer does oh the hell man call
sparking oh sorry
barking ah step 13 let everyone know
you're a filmmaker by holding your
camera in your profile picture step 14
filmmaking is expensive ask your friends
for favors hey can I borrow you a camera
it can you gap for me this weekend hey
do you know any hot girls me an actress
can you promote my film can we shoot in
your house for like an hour or two no
we're like a month or so step 15 now
that you're a pompous cinema snob
consistently work classic movies into
conversation did you guys see the latest
Fast & Furious movie oh yeah doh it did
not live up to the high standards of the
early Kurosawa works or the avant-garde
work of a young Orson Welles in Citizen
Kane my personal favorite film step 16
if you choose to film action sports
accept the fact that your camera will
eventually get destroyed step 17 know
the difference between a pile of sticks
and a pile of sticks a dolly and a dolly
a clapper and a clapper squid and a
squid guerrilla shooting and a guerrilla
shooting at 18 your extensive knowledge
and film will ruin the movie viewing
experience for yourself and other did
you see that continuity er was this shot
on a LexA it looks like it was shot on a
LexA if I was directing this this would
have been ten times better at 19 now
that everyone else is doing it by a
drone oh cool drone can I try sure I
just got it are you allowed to be flying
around these kind of places there should
be
don't worry about continuity errors
nobody will notice I'm breaking up with
you
okay do you not even care I guess not
okay see this is exactly why we're
breaking up okay step 21 fix your drone
and fly it again
you got a new drone no I just fixed it
can I try oh okay it waterproof no not
at all
Oh step 22 spend hours upon hours
learning to balance or stabilizer
I've been balancing this thing for five
hours and I still can't get it right
okay cool well I gotta go shoot I'll see
you later step 23 join the film versus
digital debate I prefer film while you
prefer digital format would you like to
argue about it on the internet or in
real life ooh
Internet please step 24 camera guys are
notorious for saying one more to hide
your mistakes try putting the blame on
your talent cut could we get one more I
think she flubbed her line
really I don't think I flubbed the line
no she definitely flubbed her line um
did you forget to hit record
no she flubbed her line alright action
step 25 show off your pretentious
directing skills in the real world okay
perfect now this time I want you to
pretend you're a baby seahorse trapped
inside a human body and action dude it's
just for Instagram step 26 don't
underestimate your clients stupidity
that color correction that's just not
right could you make it warmer but bluer
actually goodies give me the raw footage
step 27 something is always bound to go
wrong on set hey did you bring the
batteries I thought you were bringing
them did you leave them at home again
we're back in an hour
step 28 so tell everyone about your new
crowdfunded web series so if you donate
$100 to my Kickstarter you get a free
coffee on blu-ray and a ten minute Skype
session with the director
you mean you yeah me ten whole minutes
step 29 waste half your life looking for
lens cap
where it was in my pocket does anybody
see a lens cap do my lens cap ah I swear
was in here step 30 always take
advantage of good light during Golden
Hour babe I have something to tell you
I'm pregnant can you hold on a sec I
don't want to lose this light step 31
learn the importance of sandbags hey did
you throw sandbags on those lights
what sandbags and finally solve all your
problems
by fixing it in post hey wasn't this
supposed to be a night scene huh we'll
fix it in post I wasn't the main actor
supposed to be Chinese I said we'll fix
it in post
what did we miss leave a comment in the
comment section below thanks to Kessler
crane for all the support of this video
to find out how he made the video check
out the behind the scenes on Kessler
University in the description below also
thanks to Fusion city for providing all
the equipment and gear that made this
video possible and finally thanks to
Road mics for their continued support
everything you heard in this dreadfully
long video was recorded on Road mics