Let's kick things off with some news
about the US economy.
Remember how the Fed raised interest
rates a thousand times in the last week
to try and stop inflation?
Well, it turns out it didn't work.
REPORTER: Breaking news on the economy,
inflation shows no signs of slowing down.
The last inflation report before the midterm elections,
take a look at some of these numbers--
shows that prices rose 8.2% between September
2021 and September 2022.
Gasoline prices up more than 18%
from last year, food prices still up 11%.
REPORTER: Turkey up 20% from this time last year,
eggs up 27%, butter 25%, and then look at the little candy
corn graphic.
Halloween candy up a whopping 34% across the board.
That's right, people.
Halloween candy up 34%.
I love how they say it like it's necessary to live.
What are we going to do without it?
Once again, inflation numbers are out,
and prices are still going up, affecting everything
from gas to Halloween candy.
And not only that, razorblades are up 52%.
Now what am I supposed to put in the candy?
Oh, how do I live?
I will say, a 34% increase in candy, that is a lot.
It's so expensive.
Parents are going to start encouraging their kids to get
into strange vans, you know?
Just, like, look, look, Timmy, the stranger
says he's got free candy.
And in this economy, we've got to take a shot, buddy.
We got to do it.
You got AirTag.
I'll find you.
[cheering]
For real, people, all this inflation is
just not sustainable, right?
Because here's the thing.
Inflation is a lot like masturbation, right?
Yeah, a little bit is completely natural.
But once you start noticing it in restaurants
and car dealerships, things have gotten out of hand.
And, look, if we had more time, we
could talk about the Federal Reserve,
and it looks like how they're going
to keep raising interest rates to try and curb
this rampant inflation.
Because that's basically the only tool that they have.
The problem is raising interest rates takes so long
to filter through the economy that this could be
too much raising interest rates,
and we just don't know it yet.
In some ways, raising interest rates is a lot
like taking mushrooms, right?
You take some-- nothing happens.
So you take some more-- nothing happens.
Then you finish the whole box.
And because this stuff clearly doesn't work,
(DISTORTED) what, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Oh, oh, oh.
Oh, man.
Oh.
Oh, OK.
I can fix this with some [inaudible]..
[applause]
I-- I just met God, and he's a gorilla.
Oh.
All right!
We don't have time for this!
Because while everyone's bills are going up,
one of the worst people of all time
just got the biggest bill of all time.
Tonight, the stunning verdict,
conspiracy theorist Alex Jones ordered
to pay nearly $1,000,000,000 for spreading falsehoods
about the Sandy Hook shooting.
REPORTER: Jones was not in the courtroom for the verdict,
but immediately reacted on his online show,
calling the attorneys for the victims'
families ambulance chasers and mocking the verdict.
MAN: $120 million--
Yeah!
Woo!
57 million, 20 million, 50 million, 80 million,
100 million, blah, blah.
You get a million.
You get 100 million.
You get a 50 million.
MAN: Slander damages past--
They actually believe they're getting this money.
It's like they believe all their own stuff.
What a dick.
You know, I used to watch American movies as a kid.
And I always thought the bad guys that were in the movies
were fake.
And then I came to this country,
and bad guys are literally in their lair
like, (SINISTER VOICE) you have seen the last of me!
[laughs]
But that's right.
For defaming the parents and the first responders of Sandy
Hook when he accused them of faking the shooting,
Alex Jones has been ordered to pay $965 million.
[cheering]
Yeah.
Which is a huge amount of money.
You know you [bleep] up when even
your great, great grandkids will
have to declare bankruptcy.
Yeah, he's basically got millions of sperm swimming
around in his balls, and every single one of them
is a broke-ass bitch right now.
Every single one.
[applause]
And, by the way-- by the way, good luck
to Alex Jones's lawyer, trying to get clients after this,
you know?
Like, what's your selling point?
You know, in my last case, the jury awarded $1,000,000,000.
Wow, to your client?
Well, to a client.
[laughs]
Now, if we had more time, we could talk about
how Jones's conspiracy theories have only
become more mainstream since Sandy Hook,
and that there's not enough billion dollar judgments
in the world to change the fact that one fifth of Americans
think that Sandy Hook might have been staged.
But we can't get into all of that.
Because while Alex Jones's trial is over,
Andy Warhol's is just beginning.
The Supreme Court heard a case today
involving one of the most famous
artists in American history.
The justices are deciding whether Andy Warhol illegally
copied another artist's work.
REPORTER: They're among Andy Warhol's
most iconic portraits, the silkscreen images of prints.
The image was based on a 1981 photograph by Lynne Goldsmith.
She sued Warhol's foundation, claiming
copyright infringement.
The justices did find some lighter
moments, when Clarence Thomas revealed his musical tastes.
CLARENCE THOMAS: Let's say that I'm both a Prince fan,
which I was in the '80s, and--
ELENA KAGAN: No longer?
[laughter]
CLARENCE THOMAS: Well, only on Thursday night.
(DEEP VOICE) Oh, yeah.
Justice Thomas, I'll see you, you little freak nasty.
Oh.
Six days a week, it's shapeless black robes.
But then Thursday night hits, and you got that full bush
of chest hair popping out.
Yeah.
I know a lot of people right now might be wondering
why Thomas only listens to Prince on Thursday
night specifically.
But, you see, Clarence Thomas is an originalist.
And it says right there in the Constitution,
Thursday night is [bleep] night.
Yeah, it says it.
It says it.
We always go back.
I don't know why they put that in there, but they did.
But, yeah, the big question in this case
is if Andy Warhol simply copied the Prince picture
or if he made it his own by transforming it.
And it just so happens that I am an art expert.
Yeah, so I'm uniquely qualified to answer this question.
Now, if you compare them, and you look very closely,
you'll see he made it red and purple
with some squiggly things.
And I'm sorry.
I'm such an art geek that this is probably
going all over your heads.
The bottom line is I think it is differenter
than the other one.
That's what I'm saying.
[laughter]
Now, look-- now, look, if we have the time,
we could talk about how it's weird that the Supreme Court
is the only place where you get to be
an expert on every single issue in the world.
It's why-- well, actually, the Supreme Court and Twitter,
but we just don't have the time for that.
Because while the Supreme Court is trying
to decide if certain artists are stealing,
it's becoming clear that a certain former President
definitely is.
REPORTER: This morning, a new twist in the investigation
into former President Trump's alleged mishandling
of classified documents at his Florida estate.
Trump told people to move boxes to his residence
at the property after advisors received
a subpoena in May for any classified documents
at Mar-a-Lago.
That witness account was corroborated
by security camera footage, which showed
people moving the boxes.
[laughter]
Yo, I'm sorry.
Trump is a legend.
Who else gets caught committing crimes with their own
security cameras?
Who are you?
How are you real?
[laughs]
[cheering]
You realize this guy's they're like, (IMITATING TRUMP)
hurry, move those classified documents so I can illegally
hide them from the FBI.
But, first-- but, first, let's all wave
at that blinking red light and tell it our names.
Donald J Trump-- the J stands for genius.
[laughter]
[applause]
There's something inspiring about it,
too, when you think about it.
You know what?
This is actually inspiring because Trump
is so bad at crime, but he gets away with so much of it.
It just shows us that we could do crime too.
Yeah, he's like the drunk couple at karaoke.
Hearing them screech through "Don't Stop
Believin'" gives you the confidence
to try "Kiss From a Rose."
And, look, if we had a little more time,
we could have so much fun talking about how Trump has
once again helped the Justice Department
crack the case against him.
Or we could even get into my personal conspiracy theory
that Ron DeSantis and his people
are probably the ones who snitched on Trump to get him
out of the presidential race.
But we don't have the time for that
because while the FBI is investigating
Trump's mishandling of classified documents,
Congress is investigating a whole different Trump crime.
And today, at their final hearing,
the January 6 Committee released never before
seen footage, showing what Nancy Pelosi and Chuck
Schumer were doing while Trump's mob was outside,
asking to have an intimate conversation
with Mike Pence's neck.
And it was pretty impressive how
they were keeping their cool and trying to get stuff done--
everything from phoning the vice president to even trying
to call in the National Guard.
But one of the craziest moments was when Nancy Pelosi pointed
out one really smelly reason the lawmakers might not be
able to stay in the Capitol.
["usa" chant]
NANCY PELOSI: What we are being told very directly
is it's going to take days for the Capitol to be OK again.
We've gotten a very bad report about the condition
of the House floor, with defecation
and all that kind of thing as well.
I just got off with the vice president.
He had the impression from Mitch
that Mitch wants to get everybody back to do it there.
CHUCK SCHUMER: Yes
NANCY PELOSI: I said, well, we're getting at counterpoint
that is it could take time to clean up
the poo-poo that they're making all over the-- literally and
figuratively-- in the Capitol.
Yup, you heard that right.
It turns out right-wing Jamiroquai
was shitting or, as Nancy Pelosi put it,
poo-pooing all over the Capitol.
And, you know, when I was watching this happen,
I thought to myself, it's so interesting
how people like Tucker Carlson were calling
Black people animals when the George
Floyd protests were happening.
But when these people were literally
shitting in the Capitol, Fox was like, these brave Patriots
are just expressing their frustration
and standing up for American democracy.
They're not the animals?
Like, I can tell you for a fact,
even in Minnesota, when shit was going down,
and people were raiding that Target, there was no Black man
who stopped in the middle of all of them and was
like, hey, yo, hold up, hold up.
Hey, yo, hold up. Hey, hold up.
Hold up.
[laughter]
[cheering]
Black Lives Matter.
[laughter]
But we don't have the time to talk about those moments
from the Committee.
Because the biggest news of the day
is that the January 6 Committee has issued a subpoena to
speak to the chief of poo-poo himself.
Happening now, the January 6 Select Committee
punctuates its final hearing before the midterm elections
with a bombshell, a subpoena for former President
Donald Trump.
So this afternoon, I am offering this resolution,
that the committee direct the chairman
to issue a subpoena for relevant documents
and testimony under oath from Donald John Trump.
Oh, shit!
[cheering]
What?
That's what the J stands for?
What a bombshell!
Oh, and also the fact that they just
subpoenaed a former President of the United States.
And, I mean, hell, yeah, finally.
How are they only deciding on this now?
Huh? Only now?
It's like doing a whole murder investigation,
and then on the last day, being like,
should we, like, talk to the murderer?
Yeah?
He might have some information about the murder-- maybe.
Now, even after this came out, everyone
assumes that Trump is not going to show up to testify.
But I feel like he's going to be a little conflicted.
Yeah, because on the one hand, yes,
he thinks this is a crooked witch
hunt that is out to get him.
But on the other hand, the ratings.
Can you imagine the ratings?
This would be like the Super Bowl meets Watergate meets
Game of Thrones meets a mandatory HR
video about sexual harassment.
Everyone will be watching.
[applause]
Everyone will be watching.
And we all know the only thing Donald Trump loves
more than ratings is grabbing classified
documents by the pussy.
And, look, whether you like Trump
or not, you've got to admit, this dude is a record breaker.
First president to be impeached twice, first president
to be subpoenaed for staging a coup, first president
to go to prison maybe, first prison to break out of prison,
first president to escape to Mexico, first President
to be blocked by his own wall, trying to escape to Mexico!
[cheering]