You've been walking on egg shells for a while now.
But it doesn't really matter to your narcissist.
He or she is no longer even polite to you, much less kind.
You often wonder what happened to that person that you met?
Nothing you do, say, think, or feel is acceptable.
And the narcissist
Makes sure you know it. Everything that you do
elicits the same response. Anger,
irritation, justified rage,
or maybe just nothing, indifference.
You call them on their bullsh*t, or you prove them wrong.
Watch out. That's when they'll go ballistic.
And dig deep to hurt you. This my friend
is the devalue phase. That's what we are talking about today
at queenbeeing.com
Let's get started.
(Intro) My name's Angie Atkinson and on this channel I offer free daily
Video coaching. To help you discover, understand and overcome
narcissistic abuse and toxic relationships.
I like to call it toxic relationship rehab.
Does that sound good to you? If so hit that subscribe button
and let's get going. Being in a relationship with a narcissist is a whole lot like being on a roller coaster.
Sometimes you feel absolutely cherished and loved
and adored. Other times, you feel like you're no better
than the dirt on the bottom of somebody's shoe. Sound familiar?
Devalue and discard happens after
all the love bombing once you are in
a relationship with a narcissist. Believing
that you had this wonderful
gift of a person in your life who's your soul mate and they've showered
you with gifts and planned special trips
They've taken you away, they've done romantic gestures.
and planned special dinners, and brought you gifts and flowers.
and chocolate or whatever it was that
you enjoyed to suck you in.
and now you're in it for a little while and
the things that you thought you loved about them.
The things that they let you believe was true about them
starts to diminish and you start seeing the change.
and not only changes in them
but in changes in the way they treat you.
When a narcissist begins to devalue it can feel confusing
because up to the point usually
they were in the love bomb part of the
relationship. Once the devalue start, it can start off
at first it can either be a big hit or
like, all of a sudden everything you're doing is wrong.
and you have an urge to fix it, and make it better because of course
it had to be you since they are this wonderful, loving person.
Or it can take the form of
really slight digs or a cruel joke.
or dissatisfaction
that seem out of place, and you think that you're just having a bad day
so it can come on strong or it can be subtle.
and it can go on
you get devalued, you get discarded, and you get abused.
Once you get past the fun part, where you're being treated with love
and respect, you hit the good ol' devalue phase.
That is the worst part, because going through the discard phase
feels a whole lot like having your soul ripped out
and your heart ripped out
and having them twist it all together and stomped on and pushed down
Into a little pulp.
Yeah, I know that sounds dramatic, but
if you've been there you know that that is actually underdramatic
for the circumstances. It can start off subtle, they might say something about your weight.
Or, about your hairstyle.
Or the way you dress.
Or some kind of an insult. That you may brush it off as a joke.
Or, playful teasing.
Or something that might make it seem like it wasn't intended.
but it was. They do things like
gaslight. They project issues on to you. So, if
they're feeling a certain way, they start telling you you're feeling that way.
If, say, they're cheating suddenly,
You're the one cheating in their eyes, or in their words.
So they start blaming you for things that they are possibly doing.
They can nitpick, they can control,
pretty much it feels like you're the different person.
Unfortunately, you can never tell what kind of mood the narcissist will be in.
and even though you learn to
sort of read them, and understand what's coming next,
every now and then they'll shock you.
Sometimes when you've been with narcissist for a hundred years or so, they'll still shock you.
My experience has been that narcissists
in the discard phase and the devalue phase are
the worst ones. They might take a jab at your family members
or a cause that's important.
It's like Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde. People say
it really is like a personality shift
Like the person is no longer the same person, they are now this other person.
One of the first things I think that we have to recognize is that when we're going through
the part where we have to try to figure out
exactly how we went from being adored and
loved and cherished. To being treated like dog crap.
It's confusing, because it happens fast.
One day everything is fine and before we know it we can't breathe.
You take the time to understand the devalue phase
and how it works
and what actually happens. Then you'll understand what you've been through
and why it happens and that it really isn't your fault.
The silent treatment can come from this stonewalling.
They don't want to talk about the problem.
They don't want to talk about the issue at hand and they divert all problems
Either not wanting to talk about it and going
silent. Or raging about something else.
and then going silent.
Or lecturing about things that are unrelated to
whatever the issue was. Sort of confuse you
and then make you feel like your left trying to
put the pieces back together. It's little things.
It could be one of those things they loved about you in the beginning
and they're like "Oh my god, I love that about you, so much!"
Next thing you know, they're poking jabs at you about it.
This continues, and it gets worse all the time.
So that it is full on
exhausting. Sucking the soul out of you.
Constantly on attack. Constantly
feeling miserable. Putting you down. They're embarrassing you.
Making you feel bad about yourself.
Making you doubt yourself. In some ways devalue your own self.
I mean if you're told something enough, eventually you're gonna start to believe it.
Even when you know it's not true.
So essentially, the devalue phase is
right about the time the narcissist feels like they really got their hands
on you. Like they really win.
They know that they've got you in their clutches as it were. That's when they start to devalue you.
You have been knocked off the pedestal,
You've been knocked off the cloud you are on.
Then you are pretty much flat on the ground wondering
how you got there. It's completely devastating.
That can be to the point where
trauma bonding has taken hold, to the point
of it being very difficult to see what's
happening. You start to believe it,
you get sucked into their negativity. You love them so much you just want to make them happy.
So you try harder to please them, and then they up the game,
they move the goal post.
And they just continue to bringing you down.
So that, you really have nothing left.
You have nothing left.
You're just this empty shell of a person.
Whittled down over time, made you feel worthless
Taken everything you have. Everything good about you.
They just made you believe all the things that they had to say.
Nobody's going to love you.
Nobody's going to love you if you lose them. You're worthless.
You got to know that narcissists
generally don't see you as anything other than a supply, or
an extension of them. They don't see you as a whole person.
They get you to this state where you're low, and awful,
you lost your self-esteem, your self-worth. You lost your self-respect,
You've also lost family members, friends.
You've lost all of those relationships
They've ridiculed you
punished you, tricked you with
some love bombing. To make you think that maybe things are going to be okay.
The process starts again. And they do this for as
long as you're going to tolerate it.
Or until they feel like you have nothing left to give them. They're bored.
They've taken a vibrant, loving, caring
person, with a full life,
and they brought them down.
to this sad depressed, mumbling, isolated soul.
And then they get bored.
So they end up just discarding.
As they discussed, the narcissist generally has three phases.
in a relationship. This is true in about every relationship.
they have, and any variations.
The first one, if you probably remember, is the idealization phase, or
the love bombing phase. That's when you're held up on a pedestal and treated like
you're worth something
and then we head over to the devalue and often it keeps
on cycling through. Back to what we were talking about at the very beginning of this video,
While you're walking on egg shells, you often find yourself
feeling, like you're worthless. The narcissists will insult you.
The narcissists will pick at your most painful .
psychological wounds.
Anything that they know for sure that will hurt you is fair game. There's nothing off the menu.
And, anything that upsets the narcissist or hurts the narcissists
They'll make sure that it's your fault, and that you know it.
For sure.
They'll tell you that you deserve the treatment they're giving you.
And make sure that you feel that down in your bones.
They'll make it clear that you're not important, that you're not worth their time.
They'll say that they don't respect you right to your face, sometimes. They'll minimize
you as often as possible. And
anything that really matters to you is clearly a waste of energy.
and time according to them. Meanwhile,
you're over here teetering on a precipice.
Somewhere between emotional numbness and deep down anger,
and then there's hope somewhere in that little mix.
You hope that this soul crushing thing will end soon.
But every time you get your hopes up, for more than a minute, you're quickly brought back to reality.
When the narcissist spits venom
your way. They use you as an emotional dumpster.
Once again. Sure, you learn to stop being directly
affected, sure you do. Your gray rock, you learn all the things.
You find a place to in your head maybe, find a place to zone out.
And maybe you find a place to zone out when the narcissists starts raging on you.
Of course the threats and the fear tactics don't work, the narcissists might
shift into victimhood. That's when they stop being
actively aggressive, and start going for the passive aggressive.
Always so much fun, right?
This could involve gas lighting in a whole bunch of other sneaky things.
That often leads to the silence treatment.
One of the narcissists go-to tools.
They'll ignore you, they'll pull affection, they'll call you crazy
for trying to fix it. In the end, the narcissists might leave you.
Temporarily or permanently.
Or the cycle might being again. Many narcissists go into the phase following the discard phase.
You, my friend, you're, left reeling.
You'll experience this, and you'll come out of the cycle feeling like you were the one who was wrong.
Maybe you were expecting to much, or over reacting.
Or somehow or otherwise incorrect in the way you dealt with the situation.
According to what you think,
Maybe the narcissist was right.
And then,
that when you have a choice to make my friend.
Do you stick it out, or not?
You know a narcissist can change his or her ways as a zebra can change his or her stripes.
Highly unlikely.
But your heart my friend, your heart might be arguing with you.
Because your heart finds something deep in the narcissist that is lovable.
A client of mine said on the phone the other day,
"You got the heart side, and you got the smart side."
And I really think, that's what it's all about.
The heart side or the smart side.
Knowing that it's a pattern can help, knowing that this love bomb
devalue cycle is a pattern that can help
you to sort of separate what's happening from the fact that
this is what narcissists do.
This is how they gain and maintain control.
their own worlds. and it works for them.
You can't recover, and
become a better version of yourself. You're wiser, to
what it means to know a narcissist.
and you can protect yourself from it happening again.
The most important thing to remember is that you have
the right to be happy. And if your narcissist
Is not going to allow you to do that,
or if the narcissist negatively affects you, or your ability to
find your bliss,
you need to decide if you can live with this person.
Then comes the hard part, you need to take action. So do you recognize yourself here?
Let me know your thoughts in the comments below.
So why do narcissists feel the need to make you feel bad about yourself?
Why do narcissists devalue you?
Because they're insecure. Narcissists need you to feel bad about yourself so you won't leave them.
Narcissists need you to feel bad about yourself so that
you think no one else could possibly love you.
Quite often, they will directly say that to you.
Narcissists might appear to have high self esteem,
but the truth is, their egos are quite fragile, and very dependent on
whether or not you or someone else
thinks that they are
the bomb.com
Narcissists walk around, I've talked about this before,
imagine their ego is a tiny fragile china egg and they carry it
on the end of their finger,
They walk around with the egg and they bounce it, as long as everyone is looking at the egg
and the egg is all shiny it's good.
but if that egg gets a crack in it,
forget about it. All bets are off.
The narcissists ugly side comes out.
And unfortunately
it often happens to the primary source of supply.
more than anyone else.
So that's why narcissists devalue you.
Because they have low self-esteem, they believe that you'll stick around if they do,
If they keep you down emotionally, if they devalue you,
if they make you think you're not worth it,
They think that you won't be able to think that you can get someone else.
You won't even try to stay with them out of desperation.
That's how they would roll if they were you.
And now its time for the question of the daaaay.
So, tell me do you think you have been through the discarding phase.
Have you been through the discard, the disvalue, have you experienced this type of narcissism.
And how did that feel to you?
Do you recognize yourself and your narcissist.
Share your thoughts and your ideas with me in the comments.
Share your experiences in the comments below.
And let's have a discussion. That's all I've got for your right now,
Thanks for being part of my life and part of my day.
Hey, thanks for letting me be a part of yours.
I'll see you soon.