(crowd applauds)
- Women go to restaurants and lose they goddamn mind, man.
They got to order from that expensive side of the menu,
the side with the steak, and the lobster,
and the Dom Perignon.
Guys like to give them that little warning too, huh?
Ooh honey, you understand
that's the fuckin' side of the menu, you understand that?
(laughter)
It's steak, lobster, and dick!
It is a combination!
(laughter)
- If a n**** really wanted to rape me,
what can I really do?
Be honest.
Like, if you get past my scuffle, that's it!
I gotta take one for the team.
(laughter)
That's all, that's all I got.
If you get past my scuff--
Hey, get the fuck off n****-- (thumps mic)
Hey, get off n****--
(laughter)
(screams)
- Ladies, you gotta start taking some responsibility
for your own miserable life.
If you over 25 years old,
you still walking around here talking bout n****s aint shit,
bitch, you need to grow the fuck up
with your irresponsible ass!
(laughter)
What you meant to say,
was all the n****s you fuck with aint shit!
(laughter)
That's right!
You need to figure out what it is about your pussy
that keep attracting "aint shit" n****s.
Might be "aint shit" pussy! (laughter)
(stomps foot)
- Imagine if Michael Jackson was from the project.
(laughter)
(jazzy dance music)
(laughter)
- What if Michael Jackson was a pimp?
(laughter)
Shit, it'd be him and Tito,
be riding around in a Cadillac and shit.
(snaps fingers)
(laughter)
Slow down, Tito.
(laughter)
Slow down, Tito, daaaamn!
(laughter)
Is that my ho over there sitting on the curb?
(laughter)
Let me out.
(snaps fingers)
Come here, girl!
(laughter)
I said, "Come here girl!"
(laughter)
Where my money?
How much you got?
(laughter)
Mike, I'm sorry!
All I got is a hundred-dollar bill.
Girl, you been out here all day,
and all you got is a hundred-dollar bill?
- Ahhhh!
(slapping sound)
(laughter)
Keep it in the closet.
(laughter)
- I think Mike was on crack.
(laughter)
I bet you Mike was at home, Mike was like--
(laughter)
(sniffing)
(screams)
(laughter)
(sniffing)
(laughter)
(sniffing)
(laughter)
Hoooo!
- Oh, the white folks,
(laughter)
was shocked
when they saw that tape.
Police whooping black folks
in a black community aint no new shit.
When I saw that,
I thought it was a fuckin' new Timex commercial.
I didn't know what the fuck it was. (laughter)
- But that's all right, cause the brotha gettin' paid!
He gettin' a million dollars for every blow.
56 million dollars.
(applause)
I'm looking to get fucked up!
(laughter)
I'm doing 300 miles an hour in a Volkswagen!
(laughter)
Yellin' out the window,
"Fuck the police!"
(laughter)
"Fuck all ya badge carrying motherfuckas!
"Come over here,
"whoop my ass, gimme my cash!"
(laughter)
- [Newsman] The issue was not whether Lorena Bobbitt
did what her husband claimed she did.
The facts about the act were evident.
- She cut his dick off.
(laughter)
(clucks)
Drove down the highway.
(laughter)
(clucks)
And threw it out the window.
(laughter)
- Car 1-11, we want you to proceed down on the freeway,
see if you can't locate a dick.
(laughter)
- She obviously got 20/20 vision,
she found the little thing.
It was very difficult to find! (laughter)
- [Newsman] Los Angeles Police Department
is actively searching for Mr. Simpson.
- You know who the real victim is?
Ike!
(laughter)
Ike Turner!
(laughter)
Cause, Ike was the King of the Woman Beaters
'til OJ took his title.
(laughter)
- Don't nobody give a fuck about OJ
and all that ol' punk ass shit!
N****s just wanna know when is the next riot.
Fuck that! (laughter)
- [Woman] We the jury, find the defendant,
Orenthal James Simspson, not guilty of the crime of murder.
- I want Johnny Cochran in my corner.
He was like a magician.
- -said, "If it don't fit, you must--
"acquit!"
(laughter)
- I actually heard white people say that they were so upset
and angry with the verdict that they couldn't sleep.
Well, you know,
black people have had insomnia for 400 years.
(applause)
- Every prison is filled with n****s!
Just overcrowded with n****s!
One mufucka gets away,
"Hey! We gotta take a look at the justice system!"
It's not working!
(jazzy music)