Do you know what? Another thing I don't like is you know, like when like, the palm of
someone's foot yeah is on the ground and you're wearing heels?
Do you get what I’m trying to say?
How does it, how did it happen? Like, when did you not clock that it was slipping out?
You know them girls that want to be influencers but it's just not banging?
They’re out there taking the pictures in the car park and it’s not banging.
Hi, I'm Tonye Mak, Director, Filmmaker and Storyteller.
Amongst my peers the narratives around dating
have felt really toxic and negative of late.
So, I wanted to create a space to have fun, honest and grounded conversations.
It's time to change the story.
This is Dating Black.
What are your thoughts on dating apps, have you used one?
Nah do you know what? I’ve not actually used no dating apps at all.
But I’ve got nothing against anyone that uses them.
I think for me, I actually like just to meet people and just in
real life and just connect and just take it from there to be honest.
It’s literally, it’s impossible still.
Do you know what? I don’t care who gets offended.
The dating app ting is made corny.
Yeah, you can't beat old school energy. And yeah, I've never, ever had a dating app.
Yeah.
Yeah, it’s not for me.
Do you know what it is? Nah do you know what? As a way of introduction,
as a way of actually bringing people together and all the rest of it is fine.
In terms of like, if you're dating is solely and exclusively on a app?
Come on, man.
That's like MSN back in the day, you’ll be talking to someone that lives in...
Birmingham fam.
In Peterborough. You don't even know where that is in the UK bruv and you're never gonna
see them, you’re just talking to them bare and all the rest of it,
all of a sudden you're in love. Come on man. Let's be real.
Dating apps, do your thing man, do you get what I’m trying to say?
Enjoy yourself man. Go on all of them if you want but look at a certain time you have to.
You have to meet up and.
You have to just cool down.
You have to get it cracking in real life.
You’ve got eight profiles for eight different things, you’ll be juggling between apps.
You know what’s funny? Because I hear a lot of girls say
‘Oh yeah I did it for a joke’ or whatever. No you didn’t.
man what? You’re looking for love.
You did it because you wanted to find someone to chat to.
But just say that, do you know what I mean?
What are your icks?
This is gonna get me in trouble.
I won’t lie but my ting is a bit more childish. Something small yeah,
it’s like, you know when you’re wearing like a collared shirt? And I see you and one collar is up?
that stuff yeah, it just gets to - I swear to God. It just looks bare rough.
Nah, it just, look, it just looks bare rough.
I don’t know man.
You know them girls that want to be influencers but it's just not banging?
They’re out there taking the pictures in the car park and it’s not banging.
When a girl is mad stiff. As in like, you know like the two step dance thing that girls do?
That's, fine init but you can't even do the two step girl dance thing?
I can’t lie yeah, for me, that's a bit...
So you want her to be in the centre basically?
Nah you don’t have to like, do - at least, bare minimum.
You can do the - do you get what I mean?
The little two step whatever, but like when you’re bare stiff and it’s like… it’s a bit…
Oh, interesting.
You like Azonto though init?
Yeah you like Azonto, I won’t lie still.
I like Azonto.
When I see them, listen, I like people that can hustle and grind.
But you’ve been at it for five months.
The explore page is not exploring, so you need to explore another avenue.
I don’t even - it could have been 1995. I don’t even give a damn but someone caught you on camera,
smoking cigarette and spitting on the floor.
You can never chat to me bruv, in your life, in your entire life.
Just accountability. And this is really and I don't want to make this sound misogynistic,
so I'm gonna choose my words very carefully.
Some women lack accountability and like to deflect and can never be the problem.
They will always find someone else to blame but themselves.
So every once in a while, you know, look inwards because if you're always having issues,
who's the common denominator, you know I'm saying?
Do you know what? Another thing I don't like is you know, like when like, the palm of
someone's foot yeah is on the ground and you're wearing heels?
Do you get what I’m trying to say?
Like how does it, how did it happen? Like, when did you not clock that it was slipping out?
Do you get what I’m trying to say?
Do you have a forever love? So someone that you know,
it's tight you're always gonna love them but
You're really going inside the crevice of my heart.
What old school suttin' that you’ve been loving for 7 years ago?
Listen.
These times you were in college, you were eighteen?
You’re basically asking us if you’ve got a soul tie?
Soul tie, bruv.
Yeah there is... Fuck.
Listen I bind all of that bruv...
That bondage fam.
I cast and bind it in the lake of fire bruv.
Cut that one, cut it.
You win.
There's this one person right.
And I have zero regrets about anything I've ever done in this life zero.
But I have one regret and my biggest regret is messing it up with that one person.
Forever love? And then you find someone else and you're still in forever love with...
Hell no, God forbid.
I ain’t got no… there's people who…
My forever love is my love now.
Fam, trust me. That's that man.
What makes the Black woman that you’re with the one?
You're married, you should...
Oh, I should go first?
I can go first.
Oh yeah, nah...
But I thought you was gonna, ‘cause you know when you’re married? You should just have that list ready.
Nah, nah, nah... that’s not how marriage works man.
I know.
They still piss you off at the end of the day.
she’s the one though because one, she puts up with me, so,
that’s not a good start.
Nah it is, trust me. Because there's a lot of things that I think I'm not as strong at
and she's there to pick up those pieces if that makes sense?
So it’s like, she just makes me better because
she's there to make sure my weaknesses are sort of, you know
Balanced.
Balanced, do you know what I mean?
Yeah, like the way she cares about me in general… What?
Soft.
It is. It’s the truth. Yeah, man said soft.
It’s the truth, this is why they don’t want to go first and I knew I was going to go first.
‘Cause whoever went first was going to get this response.
I just enjoy things like either me coming home to her or
her coming home to me like, you know, like, yeah, I like that.
He’s trying to keep it G, like ‘Yeah, you know what I mean like’.
So you don’t want to be soft?
'...she’s there, it’s kinda nice init’. Say it bruv.
I like that shit, you know like.
In the famous words of all of our aunties, when will you marry?
When will I marry? Listen, when she breaks up with her boyfriend.
Yeah, man. It should have been me, not him. It should have been me but I messed up actually so,
me taking accountability but it's my biggest regret man.
Love of my life. Got the same birthday as well. It's crazy.
We were born on the exact same day, same interests, same everything.
If I ever had like an ideal woman, she's it but yeah man I’ve gotta live and let it burn like Usher.
Have you like dated like any Black woman from outside the UK?
You know what, she might see this.
Yeah.
On MSN fam. On MSN.
I have still.
And Bebo.
Yeah.
How was that?
That's where culture differences happened. So like,
different countries have different ways of speaking in terms of like openness, bluntness, like,
you know, the UK we're very kinda, I would say, majority of time passive aggressive,
or so or there’s that we don't trust anyone kind of thing.
But when you're dating, I guess like, someone from different country is, things are a lot more open.
And they - we do a lot in silence. Like we read silence very well.
You don't have to say much to understand what's going on.
Whereas, in different countries like, you literally have to spell out.
She was American, so automatically, there is a big difference there.
Just in terms of perspective of the dynamics.
So I would say women over here and them dating Black men is different from women
over there in them Dating their type of Black men, the men that they have over there.
There's definitely a disparity there in terms of just how things are handled.
I had a holiday romance that spilled over into London, literally still.
From where?
France. Yeah. France still, yeah.
Was she French?
Yeah she was a French girl, yeah,
Oh, yeah.
So funny init? It’s so funny ‘cause it’s so random init so when I’m,
when you’re talking about circles and what not, usually,
it's just within the circle or what not init and then,
just ended up chatting to someone from France, literally.
I had a holiday love as well to be honest.
How was that?
It was calm man. It was Butlins, you know Butlins?
Oh yeah Butlins back in the day fam, what? Every single time we’d go there.
I was bare sad when I was leaving fam.
Yeah.
Linked each other at the swimming pool was like ‘Yeah, what are you saying, are you alright?’
I would say the most significant thing was, it's kind of hard to trust someone when they're abroad.
Your trust gets tested, significantly, I think even higher because you're not in the same city.
Do you know what I mean? London is very small, although they say the world is big, London is very small.
It's not as big as people think it is. But when you're living in the States now, the States is very big,
do you know what I mean? And then your communications back and forth, different time zones.
Yeah.
Gets a bit tekky. Do you know what I mean? She might be calling you and then yeah,
not getting through to you and it could be a bit tricky.
So yeah, it was definitely a difference. But it was an experience.
Something that I said I wouldn't do 'cause I'm not really a fan of long distance relationships.
But I tried it because I wanted to see it for myself and the only reason
why I said I wasn't a fan of long distance relationship because I've directly,
single handedly seen what's done to my mum and when she had one and it wasn't the one still.
What would you like to see change about the dating scene in the UK?
I would love to see all of the pretence, drop.
So all of the whole acting and pretending to be a certain way or being a certain person,
having certain characteristics like, just drop all of that like, just more vulnerability.
I think is what I'd like to see just in terms of people just actually really being their selves,
do you get want I’m trying to say?
This whole thing about actually being way more intentional and transparent in terms of just
what you’re here for but then also being very honest,
women also listening to men when they say what they’re on.
That this whole thing about trying to convince yourself another narrative, like, I find it,
it's very easy for women to get into this whole Disneyland syndrome.
I think just a lot more reason just be reasonable init.
Give other people the benefit of the doubt in the same way
that you'd want somebody to give you the benefit of the doubt.
And then in that way, it goes back to the kind of serving and one another thing init.
Accountability. I feel like that's the big thing that's kind of missing like, accountability and a level of perspective.
So when you go into it, maybe not going in thinking this is going to be
like my end or is my husband like, just actually like building, growing together.
And like owning like, owning your shit. Like I think a lot of people will kind of project
'You made me do this and as a result of this and it's more’ well no, you were completely complicit in this.
But even, from that point, it's even deeper than therapy, it’s the whole self evaluation.
So even when I think about my last relationship to now,
I’ve had to spend enough time actually analysing and saying
‘Okay, bro, what did she say about you that's actually true whether you liked it or not?'
Just be free, man. Just be free. Stop, like - girls don't think like this, boys don't think like this,
everyone's an individual man, do you know what I mean? And if you wanna talk to someone in
January and get in relationship in March, do your thing man.
If you will meet someone in Jan, get relationship in December,
you lot do your thing man but there's no rules to this, do you know what I mean?
No one pedestaling anyone either.
And I feel like I've definitely been in situations where they just want a lot from me man.
I need to be your boyfriend, your therapist, your counsellor, your life coach.
Your bank.
Yeah, you need to be. I’m joking.
Not the bank though.
Nah, nah, nah... there’s been, no there’s them some…
No, it’s true though. There’s people like that.
you need to be my best friend, you need to do this.
Yeah but what’s wrong with that?
you can’t be…
My fashion advisor.
You can’t be all those…
I just think everyone should just stop being so overly critical of themselves.
Because not to be morbid. We're gonna die one day.
I could date someone tomorrow and she might not be my forever and that's okay.
But I feel like a lot of us want the next person to be the final person and I feel like maybe it's a cultural thing,
maybe it's an African mentality thing where from that generation before us.
Ironically, a lot of them aren't even in happy marriages but they've been in long relationships for years and years.
And I feel like people need to stop being so critical and know when to just step out of situations.
It's okay if things don't work out.
So what do you lot love about dating Black women in the UK specifically?
I love that smile, man. Rah.
I'm a very outward expresser of love and Black women - creme de la creme.
Even just thinking about it now like, I’m shaking.
I love that for you. That's good to hear.
Yeah, man.
Do you know what?
The list is so long.
Word.
You know them ones? You have to start with that one, the list.
I just feel like it’s just the language is the same, the love language is more or less the same.
Culturally it's the same. You don't have to explain why you're whining
to Soca music or Bashment like, do you get what I’m saying?
Why your food is cooked that way. It’s very much understood, on both parts.
So you don’t love us?
Who? Of course.
Nah, we do.
Oh okay. So what do you love -
What kind of question is that?
it’s a great question.
Of course, listen, I’m…
Oh, you said what sort of question - oh okay
she’s ready for me boy, wow.
She's onto you, I think she’s been nice to me.
I know that when you're dating someone and they’ve got a similar like, sense of humour.
That’s yeah, that’s, it’s funnier.
Yeah.
It’s good like, it’s fun, it’s a good time.
Although like women in general ain’t as funny as men.
Yeah.
Nope, don’t agree.
Black women?
Yeah.
Some of them have got good jokes.
We can all admit in this room that men are funnier...
I actually can’t admit that, I can’t.
let’s be, real man.
I mean, you lot are all shaking your head, bare women, come on.
Men are funnier.
Josh, you better speak up.
Josh is laughing right now.
Josh is like, ‘Yeah man, it’s true’, but he’s working with all these women.
That shared culture man like, I think for me,
all the Black women in my life, like, say dating, fam they’re riders man.
Black women, they ride for you, they’ve got your back and I think for,
dating, relationships, it’s so important. Like for me, one of my biggest things is just loyalty.
With friends as well like just being loyal and Black women? Fam, they fight for you.
When it comes to Black love, it just has like a, an organicness about it.
I can’t lie, Black women in this country know how to dress.
Oh so that, on the opposite of icks, one thing that I really like - a woman that can dress.
in a, so tapping into my sly toxicity phase, when a woman walks in a room and her presence is very commanding,
the way that she dresses, the way that she carries herself.
people turn their heads like ‘Oh, who's that?’ For me? I love that.
A woman that can dress, a woman that knows she looks good but doesn't have to say it? Superb. Bellissimo.
I think we're hilarious, I can’t lie.
Nah.
Some of you are funny.
Some.
Under 25’s as well.
Wow, so us older, the over lot are?
Yeah, you haven’t got that funny bone.
Yeah, you know what I mean?
You guys are too serious.
I just feel like I’m going to end it here now.
I just find Black women are dope to be honest I feel like, in terms of like, just really the culture.
Just a genuine care if you get what I mean? You don't - it’s not something you can teach it's something
that's very innate and like when you're with like somebody who you have that kind of
thing with they just genuinely just care about init and in every kind of, every single aspect of life init.
So much so that makes you want to do so much for them because they care so much for you.
From my experience when they give themselves to you, it's all.
I've never dated someone that's been half measured.
To be honest,I've dated amazing Black women, that’s the honest truth.
More times that not, just being, just being honest, if it’s not really worked,
that’s because I’ve not been ready to make it work in that way to be honest.
I can’t lie, very direct. Very, very direct. They say what they want.
I love Black woman and I spent a lot of time around Black woman, I was raised by an amazing Black woman.
So why I want to go beyond that when I've seen such great examples of Black women?
You guys are just sexy man. Shit man, Edible what? Yesterday I went to this motive.
As I said I'm just looking left, right, up, down. Like it's funky house.
Yeah, man the edible women there? Respectfully of course, you know.
Women are, especially Black women, they are delicate and soft.
They're not always strong. They can be but you guys are delicate, soft.
So did you land on your feet okay babe? Alright.
That would be nice. It's not every day independent Black women, it’s tiring.
No, of course not.
You know? Some of us just want to put our head down and chill.
Well team work makes the dream work.
For some reason everything is just bright.
Love versus hate. Like, love is gonna win.
Throw mud on my name...
You know he didn’t wash the plate, she’s like 'Error code.'
From the guy that you actually thought that you were going out with but it was in your head.
And then my wig fell off.
They just wanna make dough and get D.
Chance him.
‘Miss it’.
The way she cares about me in general.
You can't choose if you're a villain in someone else's story or not.
Women don't do the shooting shot, they try and slam dunk.
Let’s get married tomorrow.
The streets are dangerous you know, they're risky.
Just get straight to the sex.
But the bathroom wasn’t working and it went horrifically wrong.
Black women, creme de la creme.