-What the [bleep] is a radian!?
Oh my god
I have to read all this crap?!
Here I am, a 30 year old man, walking into a high school.
I placed last in my fantasy football league,
and my punishment was to take the SATs.
I feel like I just got rocked.
The punishment kinda sucked.
Oh my god, whiskey all over my study materials,
this is already going poorly.
My friends have bet massive amounts of money.
- I think he'll do pretty good.
He's kinda smart, you know, maybe a 1400.
- What did you get on the SATs before?
- A 1550.
- Going 1200.
- I think you should get at least a 1550 then.
- So you think I've gotten dumber?
- I think that you have lost brain cells.
- Oh, no.
- I'm just hoping that Ned gets under what I got
when I was actually studying for it.
- Maybe I could get a 1600, or...
at least not embarrass myself
in front of the entire internet and all my friends.
Guys ready, time to click get scores.
C'monnnnnnnnnn!!!
So I'm actually really good at standardized tests.
Where did I go to college?
- Yale.
Even though in high school I did really on the SATs,
- Yale.
I as an adult have come to realize that
they're kind of dumb.
Why do kids spend so much time
studying for these dumb tests?
- Yale.
- I guess so.
- Because they're kinda mandatory to go to college.
- We put so much pressure on this test.
When have I actually used the SAT skills in real life?
First of all, if I'm taking the SAT,
I gotta look like a high schooler.
So this beard has got to come off.
(upbeat caper music)
It's 7:30 PM, the night before the SAT,
and I realized I don't have any number two pencils.
So I'm going shopping.
Where the (beep) are the number two pencils?
Nobody sells them anymore.
Cookies and crackers, I know I need some snacks.
Boom, got some Oreos.
It's for the studying.
Where are the school supplies?
(thinking music)
It's for the studying.
(gasp) There we go.
We got the number two pencils, let's go baby, let's go.
The thing about standardized testing is,
it's kind of about how well you know the test,
and if you practice, you do a lot better.
It says if you practice for 20 hours,
your score will increase 115 points.
I've got 11 hours, and I should be sleeping for most of it.
I asked Twitter how I should practice,
and most people said I should practice drunk.
Here's the first one, let's go.
If the equation y equals one-sixth time x plus 12
were graphed in the xu-plane,
which of the following statements would be true
of the graphed line?
What?
I only barely remember what all of this does.
Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, well you got this,
you got this.
Slope is the number in front of the x,
so, slope is one-sixth.
Pretty sure the answer is C.
Perpendicular would have a different slope.
Okay, it's C. (ding)
C, slope, yes.
Okay, next question.
(dog squeaky toy)
- Uh-oh. Bean, you're distracting me.
P equals 45,000 minus 1,000.
Oh, 1,000 times m.
People start to leave the stadium
at the end of a football game.
The number of people that are left in the stadium
m, after m minutes of the game is given by the equation.
How many people were present when the game ended,
but before people started to leave?
What? I'm already confused.
Hmm ugh.
M minutes after the end of the game, okay.
So, when the game ended, but before people started to leave,
that would mean, m equals zero, so that's 45,000 people.
(ding)
Put it on the board, let's put it on the board.
(dog squeaky toy)
Deniz had a full gallon of milk.
Okay, way to go, Deniz.
She poured out four cups of milk.
What? What are you doing with all of this milk?
There are 16 cups in one gallon.
What percent of the original volume is left?
Well, that's easy, 75%. Is it a trick question?
(ding)
It's D. It's D! The answer is D!
Yes, Bean! Yes, Bean!
I love math, don't get me wrong,
but it's like once you're an adult,
you don't use any of this math.
Drinking's bad kids.
Let's go, let's go, let's go!
An anthropologist studies a woman's femur
that was uncovered in Madagascar.
To estimate the woman's height,
he uses the equation h equals 60 plus 2.5f.
Ugh, I need a snack for this one.
Hmmm.
The equation itself is pretty simple,
but I cant' do it quickly enough.
Okay, I got it.
160 equals 60 plus 2.5f.
Minus 60 from both sides.
Easy, hundred equals 2.5f.
100 divided by 2.5 equals f.
Uhhh, what's a hundred divided by 2.5.
I need a calculator for that.
Okay, well a hundred divided by three would be,
roughly 33.
So, a hundred divided by 2.5 is something higher than that.
This is embarrassing, I'm like not even drunk yet.
Okay, 40 times 2.5 is a hundred.
F equals 40, so f has to be greater than 40.
(ding)
I'm doing too good. I need another shot.
(coughing)
Oh, no, radians.
I'm sorry, what the [beep] is a radian?
I'm starting to get a little drunk right now.
Ugh, I don't know the answer to this one.
I don't member what a radian is.
I would just be guessing.
(buzzer wrong answer)
Oh, the formula for the length of a circular arc is
s equals r theta, of course.
I'm getting fatigued just doing a couple of questions.
I'm gonna have to do this for four hours.
(laughing coughing)
As Marta built a square fence around her garden...
I mean, this one at least seems relevant to someone's life.
I would wanna know how much my fence cost.
Joelle plans to sell
two types of balloons at her charity event.
Oh, my god.
The radius, oh god.
(dog squeaky toy)
I feel like in high school,
I would've been all over this question.
Have I gotten dumber?
(laughing)
Well that was exhausting.
Now it's time to move on to something a little easier,
reading.
Take this quiz.
(groans)
Oh, my god, I have to read all this crap?
Bean, hold me, Bean. I need some puppy.
Oh, the social contract should increase the well-being
and liberty of every citizen.
Definitely D then.
Alright, here's another one.
I'm not gonna read this one.
I'm just gonna say I would be guessing.
Uh, here's the real thing.
This would still be pretty hard, even if I were sober.
Okay, so what he's basically saying is,
majority rules. Right?
(dog squeaky toy)
(grunting)
(groaning)
Good morning test takers.
Definitely a little bit hungover right now,
but coffee.
This makes me look like a high schooler.
Here are your Ned's keys to SAT success.
Step one: be dressed for success. Check.
Step two: Get a good night's sleep.
Did not do that, um still here though.
Step three: eat a quality breakfast.
Damn, look at that, unh.
I spent too much time eating breakfast.
Now I'm running late.
Where are my keys, got my keys, oh they're in my hand.
Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go.
Jesus Christ, I feel like an idiot.
Went to the wrong gate.
This is getting dire.
I'm wandering around this high school.
I cannot find where the test is.
Found it. There's a line of people.
I don't know why I'm so nervous.
Probably cause I'm taking the SAT at an actual high school.
Okay, keep a low profile.
Oh, shit.
I'm about to walk into my testing room.
Gotta put my phone away, so wish me luck.
Test is complete, and I got rocked.
That is such a long time to focus.
It's like four hours of non-stop hard thinking,
and concentration.
For a lot of these kids, this test is super important.
- I think at the end of the day,
the SAT is a measure of intelligence,
but it's not the only measure of intelligence.
Certainly not the only measure of your worth.
It doesn't bear any real say
on where you're gonna end up in life.
Cause you never know.
- I did decidedly bad on standardized tests, so.
- Yeah.
There are so many more things that make me who I am,
than how I do on a stupid test.
Kids are putting so much pressure on themselves to do well.
That's messed up.
- Show us the results!
- Alright, let's go to the results.
I got an email this morning, it made me very freaked out.
From the college board.
I actually had to call my mom to get my login info.
Guys ready?
- Yep
- Time to click get scores.
Let's do the score reports.
Oh, I have to login, okay.
Login is Nulmer.
- What's the password?
- Nuh-uh.
- My wife.
- Ready.
- Yep.
- (groaning)
- It should just be giant numbers.
- Ah, haha, the big giant numbers.
- [All] Oh, hohoho.
(cheering)
- 1500! I'm going to the college of my dreams!
-Wait so I as an adult...
As a 30 year old man...
did better than you as a high schooler?
-Yeah, absolutely.
-And we have the same job now!
-Yeah so ya know...
-So it doesn't matter guys!