I'm Nicholeen Peck. Author of Parenting: A House United and owner of TeachingSelfGovernment.com.
Teaching self-government is a parenting philosophy that teaches parents and children how to govern
themselves so that they take ownership over their own parts, thoughts and behavior. And
in this video, I'm going to teach you how to raise happy, healthy self-confident children.
One of the biggest things that we can do to help our youth be happy, healthy and self-confident
is teach them that their choices belong to them. They get to make the choice to be calm,
to be happy, to be confident. They get to make the choice to step out of their comfort
zone and do brave things. I want to talk about happiness especially. I know that choices
have power. And that power is real. Let me tell you how I know. When I was 14 years old,
my life transformed. There was so many different experiences I had that year that changed me
into the self-government guru that people say I am today. One of those changes happened
because of the vice principal at my middle school. My vice principal and I were friends.
I was in student government that year. And so, we knew each other pretty well. So, we
would talk to teach other regularly in the hallway. Well, one day, I was walking down
the hall and here came my vice principal, Mr. Nailer. And so, Mr. Nailer said to me,
"Hi, Nicholeen. How are you?" And I said, "I'm pretty good." And I kept walking by.
And I said, "How are you Mr. Nailer?" And he said, "I'm happy, thank you." And he walked
by. I kind of stopped and I looked. "I'm happy, thank you? Who says that?", I thought. I couldn't
get the thought out of my head. That one interaction had somehow changed me. I got to tell you
about Mr. Nailer. Mr. Nailer was a world ward II veteran. He had some combat that he fought.
He had some stories to tell. He was a wise person. A calm person. A steady person. One
of those people you always felt like you could trust and that he was your friend. So, I went
to talk to him about this topic. He probably thought, "Boy, this is the most deliberate
little girl I've ever met." Because I just walked into his office and I said, "Mr. Nailer,
can I talk to you about a question?" He said, "Sure." And I said, "This morning when we're
passing each other in the hall. And you said to me, how are you doing Nicholeen? And I
said, I'm fine, thank you. Because that's what people say. But when I asked you how
you were doing, you said, I'm happy, thank you. Why did you say that?" And he said, "Because
I was happy. And I said, "Yeah, but Mr. Nailer, surely you're not happy all the time. Surely,
there's sometimes when things are bad or you don't feel very good. And you can just say,
I'm happy, thank you." And he looked at me and said, "Why would I choose to be any other
way?" Ugh! Blew my mind. Why would you choose to be any other way? Truth smacked me on the
head. And he said, "You know it's true, Nicholeen. Somedays aren't the best days. But when somebody
asks me, how are you doing and I say, I'm happy, thank you, then I think to myself,
yeah. Why wouldn't I choose to be happy? I am going to choose to be happy." He gave himself
a trigger every time someone how he's doing, he chooses happiness. Did you know happiness
is choice? I think a lot of people think happiness comes from outside circumstances. Maybe it
comes from other people doing things for you. Giving you a special gift or telling you that
they like you or love you or maybe you get a good grade on a test. That's not where happiness
comes from. Happiness comes from that place inside where you decide, "It's okay. No matter
what right now, I can choose to be okay." So, choice. That is the first thing that we've
got to teach our children. They have a choice to be happy or not to be happy. And guess
who sets the example for that choice. We do. I have a goal with my children that I want
them to be emotionally strong. So, I want them to know that they have the power to make
their lives good. That they don't have to take things personally and be the victim of
the things that are happening around them. What is emotional strength really look like?
It looks like a person being able to say, "Well, that person, they did something I don't
like. But that's okay. And now I'm not going to think about it anymore. That person said
something that bothered me. But they have a right to choose to say that. So, I'm not
going to let it bother me anymore. And I'm going to drop the subject." Emotionally strong
people make plans for themselves and they follow through with their plans. In our family,
we teach our children 4 skills. How to follow instructions, accept no answers, accept consequences
and disagree appropriately. These 4 skills help them plan for emotional strength. Talk
to your children about what is emotional strength. And what is emotional bondage look like? Because
emotional bondage is the opposite of emotional strength. When a person is in emotional bondage
then they feel like every time they feel an emotion, they have to act on it. They have
to. Otherwise, they'll explode. Otherwise somebody wont know something. They get controlled
by their emotions. That doesn't mean there's no point to emotions and that we shouldn't
talk to people about what they're feeling. We should. But I think it's important for
us to empower our children to understand they can choose to be emotionally strong. They
can choose to let things go. In order for children to be confident, they have to know
how to work. They've got to have a really great work ethic. Parents train that by working
with their children regularly. In our family, we do hours and hours of work a day. And it's
not because I'm a task master. But it's because my children need to be part of our family
functioning on a regular basis. So, they wake up, they do their regular morning things.
Their chores that they need to do. And then we will sometimes especially in the spring
and summer and fall months, we will go out to our yard which has a lot of crops growing
on it. And we will work for a couple of hours. They know that every day involves working
hard in someway or another. And they oftentimes it means outside. And they know you want to
get up early to make that happen because it's definitely cooler and better on the skin so
you don't get a sunburn. When I was on the BBC program, The World's Strictest Parents,
there were 2 youth that came to our home, James and Hannah. Love them. If you guys see
this, love you. Anyway, if you haven't seen that program, you can click the link in the
corner here to the worlds strictest parents. And it will take you to that program. Well,
James had not really had the opportunity to do a lot of work even though he was 17 years
old. When he was at our home, he earned an extra chore for a negative consequence to
clean a bathroom. And he said to my husband, "Spencer, may I disagree appropriately?" Because
that's one of the 4 basic skills that we had taught to him. Spencer said yes. Because we
always say yes if someone ask to disagree appropriately. And he said, "I know that you
want me to clean the bathroom and that's what I earned for my extra chore. But I've never
cleaned a bathroom before." And Spencer said, "Oh, okay. Well, I'll show you." So, he went
to one of the bathrooms in our home and he cleaned it. Showing James step by step how
to do it. Then they went to the bathroom that James was supposed to clean. And Spencer stood
there and taught him step by step through it. And James cleaned that bathroom. A little
while later, I walked by the bathroom and there was James just getting done. They said,
"Nicholeen, come here. Come here." And so, I said, "Okay." Boy, he's excited. And I went
to the bathroom. And he said, "Look at this. Look what I did." Well, that's an invitation
to praise right there. So, I looked around and I said,"Oh, James! That's so, sparkly
and shinny. You did such a good job paying attention to detail. You folded the towel
just right. I see you cleaned the toilet inside and out. You have done a great job by cleaning
this bathroom!" He said, "I know. When I go home, I'm going to clean our bathroom. My
mom, is going to die." Do you know what I was seeing in that young man? Happiness and
confidence. He learned a skill. Did you know that when they learn how to dig a trench,
when they learn how to paint a fence, when they learn how to remodel your house, when
they learn how to clean a bathroom or cook a meal; do you know that that just puts some
up one notch taller? They maybe afraid of it at first. They might not want to do the
work because they're feeling lazy. But after they're done, they get something. It's a positive
consequence. This feeling of "I did it. I conquered. Maybe I will be okay when I'm an
adult on my own." Isn't that what our goal is for all of this? Happy, healthy, self-confident
children. Don't we want them to become happy, healthy, self-confident adults? Well, that's
what I want for my children. In fact, I told myself all the way along, even when I was
raising foster children, I told my self, "These children won't be perfect. They're going to
make mistakes everyday. But that's okay because I'm not raising perfect children. That's not
my goal. I'm raising joyful adult who know what their mission in life is. And can't wait
to fight for it and have solid relationships with God and family. That I can give them.
I can raise those people. But that means they're going to make mistakes everyday. And I've
got to be okay with it. I've got to correct them. I've got to teach them the lessons and
skills they need. I've got to help their character developed. I've got to give them the work
they need to do. Even if I could do it better myself. Just so that they develop that confidence
that they need to know that they can be that adult one day. Do your children have the bigger
picture? Do they know where they're going? Can they control themselves? If you're children
can do a task, then your children can also control their own emotions and hearts. They
can choose to be happy and to be calm. Calmness is one of the key lessons we've learned in
our house. How to communicate calmly so that everybody can have open communication and
be understood. If your family would like more help with calmness, I have a free course that
you can have. If you go to the description below this video, you can click Calm Parenting
Toolkit. I'm giving it to you. It's free. And it's really good. It won't take you too
long to do. But long enough that you're going to get a lot out of it. I hope you'll take
advantage of that free gift. Because if our world has more calmness in the parents, our
children will be able to learn calmness too. And that calmness helps create happy, healthy,
self-confident children that truly can become what our selfish, lazy world needs.