it's a great thing to know with people
like in your relationships here here's
the key to a good relationship it's not
the only one but watch your person
carefully carefully carefully and
whenever they do something that you
would like them to do more of tell them
that that was really good and mean it
and it's not manipulative because if
it's manipulative it won't work it's
like you have to say wow I'm so glad you
did that you have to be precise here's
what you just did that I thought was
great and so boy that's so nice as
you've noticed I can't believe that you
know it's like you know you do that 20
times and the person will be like the
rat that's just pushing the lever for
cocaine you know so but no I'm serious
it's a bit Skinner established this BF
Skinner notice just a long time ago
reward is intensely useful in terms of
modifying behavior but the problem is is
that it's really hard to notice when
things are going right right because if
you're kind of primed to notice when
things are going wrong and so you use
threat and punishment more often as
agents of of shaping the people that
you're around because you know when
everything is going right it's like what
are you going to say everything's going
right it turns to zero you just assume
it and that's that's not good that's not
good you want to pay attention and if
the if your person your children your
wife your whoever your mother your
sister if you want them to if you want
to rectify your relationships with them
and I'm not saying to do this in a
manipulative way it won't work but if
they do something that's promoting
harmony and peace and goodwill it's like
attend to it tell them that you noticed
it's like it's so useful and you have to
get rid of your grudges and your
resentment to do that right because you
don't walk in you're kind of mad at your
sister and then you know if she does
something good you think there's no
goddamn way I'm going to reward it back
so you ignore her when she does
something good it's like that's
brilliant that is because then you've
just punished her for doing what you
want and people do that with their kids
all the time you know because they let
the kids dominate them then they get
resentful then the kid will run up to
them to show them something that's kind
of spectacular and they'll they're not
happy they'll like oh yeah you know
I'm working you know little kids Oh sad
about that and he's just learned
something so and it's not perhaps what
you want them to learn and so you have
to keep your your relationship with your
children pristine and that means that
you can't hold a grudge or resent them
and that means that you have to help
them learn how to behave so that you
like them and that way if they if you
like them and you're kind of sensible
and maybe your partner also likes them
so you know you got a consensus going
there there's a reasonable possibility
that other people will actually like
them too including other children and
then the world will open up to them you
know then you'll bring them to people's
houses and the people will actually
smile at them and give them a pat on the
head and instead of thinking oh my god
that brats coming to visit again I
wonder what it'll break this time you
know and that's just a horrible thing
for your child to experience
repetitively in situation after
situation all they learn is that adults
have a false smile but they're really
lying all the time god it's like a bit
of hell and there's a lot of children
who are trapped in that it's really
awful to see I can see kids like that
when I walk down the street you know
it's like there are little doomed things
and there they are and you know they're
screwed in fifteen different ways and
there's no way out of it it's really
awful so I would not recommend that you
do that it's better to notice that
you're a bit of a monster or a lot of a
monster and notice that you are much
happier with the people around you when
they behave in accordance with
reasonable social social norms and then
you actually feel genuinely connected to
them you want to work on their behalf so
that everything works out but if you
think you're a good person and that
you'd never do anything that was harmful
to your children then you can just
forget about that because you'll never
take it seriously enough to actually
learn