- Is anybody on a hot date tonight?
Anybody got a--Yeah? Oh.
[cheers and applause]
Portia and I are not doing anything special tonight,
but I do know a thing or two about dating,
and I thought I'd give you some advice.
I brought some visual aides with me.
Unfortunately they're all from the season premiere
of "The Bachelor."
Did you all see it?
Did you watch the season premiere?
Oh. Yes?
[applause]
It lasted, like, 3 1/2 hours.
You had to catch some of it at some point.
Another half hour,
and we would've had to call a doctor.
Anyway, here are my five tips to help your dating
turn into mating.
It's a working title.
It may change. It's just a working title.
Tip number one: when you meet someone for the first time,
it's okay to hug,
but not the way that this woman does.
I'm gonna call it Exhibit A.
- Hi, Chris. - Hi, how are you?
- I'm so good. - You are beautiful.
- [sighs]
[laughter]
- [chuckles]
[laughter]
- Does--doesn't she seem a little clingy,
or is it--
Even if he had just saved her from an oncoming train,
that hug would've been over the top.
And then it wasn't awkward enough,
so she began to softly weep in his ear.
Tip number two: to make a good first impression,
it helps to stand out, but don't try too hard.
This is Exhibit B.
- Uh-oh. - Oh, my god.
She's gonna sing.
[singing] - My name is Carly
It's nice to meet you
And in a few weeks, I hope to teach you
You'll learn a little about me, I'll learn a little about you
Then maybe one day, one and one can make two
Until then
Let's enjoy the ride
And I'll see you inside
- [laughs]
[singing] - I'm gonna go home right now
He didn't pick me after all
I didn't get a rose
And I--
Tip number three: it's nice to bring a--a gift.
You want to bring a gift, but it has to be tasteful.
I'm not sure this was really the right choice
that the contestant brought.
- So I was trying to think of something
that, you know, I could get you from the heart.
- Mm-hmm. - So...
- Is it a heart? - I got you a little present.
- Good. - Ready?
- I think so. Oh, my god.
[audience exclaims]
- It's just a joke. - That's awesome.
That's awesome.
- [laughing] It's not real.
It's just a joke.
[hyperventilating]
Ah.
First a karaoke machine,
then someone brings out a fake heart.
Who's producing "The Bachelor" this season, Carrot Top?
So many props.
Tip number four: if you want to show you're interested,
you do want to do that;
don't put all your cards on the table like this woman.
- I don't know much about you. I know your name's Chris.
I know you are a farmer,
and you can plow the [bleep] out of my field any day.
- [laughs]
- You're not Chris? Or you're not a farmer.
- This is Chris; I'm both. I'm all the above.
You just took my breath away with that one, I think.
- You have a sparkle on your face.
Who is she? No, I'm just kidding.
Okay. - I'm excited.
- Yeah.
[both speaking indistinctly]
- Come find me.
- Ah.
Let me remind you, this is them before they start drinking.
This is--
Who else is glad they don't have to date anymore?
Just me? It's tough out there right now.
And finally, this last tip is inspired by someone
who's on my staff.
She's a contestant this season. Her name is Gina.
She's been on our show many, many times.
She was our spokesperson for Litter Genie
during Cat Week,
and it brings me tip number five.
Always apply your makeup before meeting your date,
not like Gina.
- You made it.
- That's a short skirt. - You look stunning.
- Hi, I'm Cat from Gina Week.
No, I'm Gina from Cat Week, not a cat.
I am a Gina. - Don't worry.
I'm just as nervous as you are.
It's gonna be fun.
[gum smacking, snapping]
You can corn my cob any day.
- What?
- [laughs]
Good to meet you.
- [screams]
I'm good.
- Crazy.
- Ah, Gina.
[cheers and applause]