The memories I made in my 20s are the most vivid for me.
And it simultaneously
felt so long, but so fast at the same time.
And I've come to realize that time is relative,
and it only slows down when you make it a point
to actively notice it.
It's 2010, and I'm 20 years old,
and I am in a rut.
To sum it up shortly.
I just felt like a huge disappointment.
First, all my dream colleges rejected me.
Second, I was living in my parents house.
Third, I was a year and a half deep at community college.
- Hi, we're at MTSAC.
- We're in class.
I felt so stuck and stagnant.
I could like physically feel all the energy just blocked.
And it got to a point where I was just tired of waiting
for things to happen for me.
I wanted to do something about it.
So instead, I tried to make my own luck.
So I bit the bullet.
And I finally started a YouTube channel with Sarah.
- I'm Sarah.
- And I'm Jenn.
- I'm 21.
- I'm 20.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Our interests with fashion and style really bloomed
and it felt like every moment was a chance
to create a presentation with our outfits.
The world was our runway.
So I picked up my dad's video camera
and I filmed our thrift hauls.
And at night, I would take out my Canon Rebel
and document our nights out.
I wanted to physically insert myself
in any creative situation
because I felt like I had nothing to lose.
When I was 21, I finally transferred to UC Davis.
I just wanted to get out of LA and head up north.
So I packed up all my things
and drove to Davis, California.
It was exhilarating to get to start over, create new ties,
and kind of be whoever I wanted to be.
It was really exciting for the first month
but pretty soon I was swallowed with loneliness.
And this is where you guys helped me feel connected.
Whenever I felt lonely,
or if I had some free time,
I would just film videos and upload it.
I'd go on my channel and I'd chat
with you guys in the comments.
It made me feel good and reassured.
So thank you to the OGs who have been
with me since 2011.
I still needed human interaction.
So I did what I knew best.
I went out.
I went on Yelp and Delta of Venus came up.
It was a cafe by day and bar by night.
This is actually the place where I met Stephanie.
All I knew was that I wanted to be around people.
And I wanted to rock the F out of an outfit to school.
I'd wear my Jeffrey Campbell tardies my UNIF Hell Raisers
and all the thrifted goodies I found over the weekend.
This was the first time where I felt truly brave enough
to express my style and feel good about it
because I was at a setting
where absolutely no one knew me.
I was anonymous.
And I loved that.
During all this time, I kept up my YouTube channel.
I was posting once a week.
And I finally felt like everything just clicked.
I had found my passion.
I was getting checks from Google doing something
that I absolutely loved.
Like I was aware of activities I loved doing
like meeting people, soaking up art,
music, style, making videos.
But I never thought I'd be able to monetize all
of these seemingly unrelated things.
I think a turning point that happened for me
was when I got invited to New York Fashion Week.
I went alone
and it was my first time ever stepping into the city.
And I finally was kind of connected to this world
that I thought I'd never be a part of.
My channel was really growing
and I finally found something
that I was kind of decent at.
I felt like I had waited forever for this moment
because never in my life,
did I feel like I was good at anything.
I graduated UC Davis with a BA in Communication,
and I wanted to stay up north still.
San Francisco was like, ridiculously expensive.
So I moved into a cute little duplex in Oakland.
And it was the first time that I lived alone.
No family, no roommates, no nobody, just me, alone.
And I f*cking loved it.
It was the first time I really felt
independent.
I was living alone, making videos.
And on Thursdays, I'd pop on over to the BART
and go to San Francisco to raise hell with Stephanie.
When I was 24,
I fell in love hard.
I had met Ben earlier that year.
And it sounds cliche, but I had never met anyone like him.
Stephanie introduced us on a random night out in SF.
He was recording an album with his band,
and he and the guys were in the city for a month
and we just clicked.
He was witty, bright, and so easy to talk to.
I felt like I could really be myself around him
because he made me feel so comfortable, and so loved.
We were in a long distance relationship for over a year.
And it had its highs and it's lows.
But it was all worth it
because we were crazy about each other.
I finally moved back to LA when I was 25.
My family, my friends, my work were all here.
So I moved to downtown LA.
And suddenly, the city was my amusement park.
In my teenage years, I did hang around LA
but I never truly lived the city life.
I was reconnecting with friends, making new ones,
and my only agenda was to relish in all of it.
Honestly, 25 was kind of a blur, but it was a happy blur.
Because I was home.
I have always struggled with big dips in my mood.
And I started to notice
that when I exercise consistently,
it helped stabilize my mind more.
It took me a minute to notice this
because exercising to boost your mood isn't just a pill,
you swig back and feel right away.
It's very, very subtle.
And it works best when you're patient
and consistent with it.
It usually creeps up after you shower after a workout,
you feel accomplished, you feel good.
You know you're doing something
to take care of yourself.
And I liked that.
When I was 27, I saw a therapist for the first time.
Ben proposed to me and of course I said yes.
But I wanted to be 100 for him, for us.
If we were going to get married,
I knew that I had to finally address
these inner demons in me
because I felt like they were swallowing me for so long.
My life kind of blasted
into a string of surreal events
and I wasn't processing what was going on.
And my self loathing just got worse
and worse because I felt like I didn't deserve any of this.
The only voice that made sense to me was the one
that was telling me what a piece of shit I was.
I hit an emotional rock bottom.
So I got professional help.
After going to three therapists in a span of a year,
I found one that I really clicked with.
Therapy takes time and there's no quick fix.
But therapy was a big turning point in my life
because it was the start of me digging deeper
to the core of who I am
and why I am this way.
I learned this lesson at the end of 28
which is that alcohol does not make me more interesting.
I loved how it made me feel, it made me relaxed,
warm, confident.
I thought it made me cooler,
more charming, more fun.
This is a lie that I believed for so long.
Alcohol was also everywhere.
And most of the time it was free.
So I would always help myself to the open bar.
Because I had always associated a good time
with alcohol.
Going out felt like my only escape.
I had convinced myself that my drunk self was
my best self.
And looking back at these clips,
I gotta admit that they were fun.
But in no way do I feel
like this was my "best self."
All I wanted was intensity.
It was like a pendulum that swung
from left to right, swinging.
I was caught in this endless cycle
of being horribly hungover, recovering,
and then dying to go out
with my friends for another release.
Until finally,
this happened.
This was yet again, another turning point for me.
It was a physical reminder
that there are repercussions for my actions.
I was blacked out when this accident happened.
And it made me rethink my relationship with alcohol.
The most recent lesson I learned
was that I'm allowed to take my time.
I've always been a pretty impatient person.
Before, I felt like I was constantly rushing.
Rushing to get things done,
rushing to get things executed,
I had a seemingly endless to do list
that I was constantly cranking in and out.
But this year, I learned that I can slow down.
I'm allowed to take some extra time.
I can take time when I'm reading,
I can take time to appreciate the breeze.
I can take time to learn and educate myself
with what's going on in the world.
So I can make more critical and informed decisions.
It stripped out all the unnecessary things in my life.
And it made room for all the important values
to float to the top.
The best things come with time.
I mean, even these lessons took time
for me to learn.
So I think to end this chapter
of my 20s I want to say an official goodbye.
I also want to thank you guys for
being such a huge part of my life
I've been on YouTube for 10 years now.
And it is all documented.
These are my receipts.
You guys are a massive part of the reason
for me to be able to live this life that I have
and I never, ever forget that.
So I thank you
for radically changing my life.
Aging isn't something we should fear.
It's a part of life.
And I welcome each year.
If I can add it to my belt, I will.
One of you guys shared this quote with me
and I thought I would leave it here.
I thought it would be a good ending.