When it comes to weapons, video games often exercise some serious artistic license.
And that often results in some hilarious hijinks, like the awesome thrill of blasting apart
warbots with some ridiculous weapons in Ratchet & Clank.
Sometimes, though, the weapons are just so completely dumb or impractical that they stretch
your suspension of disbelief to the breaking point.
Here's a look at some video game weapons that would suck in real life.
The Kirkhammer
Costing hunters a cool 3000 Blood Echoes, Bloodborne's Kirkhammer is actually two weapons
in one.
The first isn't even a hammer, it's just a thin silver sword.
But click a couple buttons and the Kirkhammer turns into a gigantic monstrosity that in
real life would weigh so much you'd have to spend your entire Blood Echo salary each week
just on chiropractor bills.
Plus, it's incredibly slow, with such a massive swing radius that enemies would easily be
able to get out of the way, then stroll in and punch you in the face before you could
even start your next swing.
This is one fantasy weapon that's best left on the drawing board.
Leave the hammers to Thor.
Gunblades
Like Bloodborne's Kirkhammer, the gunblade in Final Fantasy is two weapons in one.
In reality, however, it would functionally be no weapons in one.
That's because the awkward weight and balance of the gun handle would make it a terrible
blade, while the giant blade on the end of it would conversely make it a subpar gun as
well, as it would be more difficult to aim and fire.
Plus, given how awkward the design is, it actually takes up more space than simply having
a separate gun and blade.
They do, however, look really cool, so at least you'd die in style.
The BFG
First appearing in classic first-person shooter Doom, the BFG-9000 is one massive monstrosity
of a gun, capable of clearing an entire room of enemies with a single gigantic energy blast.
“Ohhh, Sh-t.”
That's the upside.
In real life, however, there are some downsides.
First, it's incredibly heavy, making it difficult to carry and wield.
Secondly, the recoil from this thing would probably knock a real person through a wall,
or at least break their arms.
Thirdly, the blast it produces is so big, it's impossible to control, meaning it would
hit friend and foe alike, making it useless in any tactical situation.
And finally, in Doom 3, the BFG can accidentally explode, killing the user instantly.
Add it all together, and you'd be better off giving this one a Big F'ing Miss.
Blades of Chaos
Fans of the God of War series know how fun it can be to swing around one of Kratos' signature
weapons, in a beautiful dance of death and destruction.
In real life, though… well, luckily, there is no real life for the Blades of Chaos, because
they were forged in the fires of Hades and have to be physically grafted onto your flesh
in order to wield them.
Besides causing unimaginable pain to whoever tried to use them, can you imagine trying
to do things like take a shower or eat breakfast with enormous flaming chain blades flying
out of your forearms all the time?
No thanks!
The PS20
Deus Ex's PS20 is a plasma-based, easily-disposable weapon the size of a smartphone, intended
to represent the next generation of stealth pistols.
Unfortunately, it stinks.
With only one shot, you'd better make sure you don't miss, especially if you're trying
to kill Lucifer.
“How do you shoot the devil in the back?
What if you miss?”
Even worse, when you discharge it, sometimes it misfires and blasts everyone in the area
with a minor jolt of energy, including the user.
That's okay if you're trying to blow up a box of TNT, but when you're pulling a James
Bond, there's nothing worse than accidentally tazing yourself in the middle of a mission.
Which is why the PS20 is best left in the video game world instead of the real world.
Tactical Nuke
Some weapons we actually know suck in real life, and Call of Duty's tactical nuke is
one such weapon.
Most famously known for its first appearance in Modern Warfare 2, the tactical nuke is
a reward for reaching 25 kills without getting killed yourself.
Those skillful enough to rack up such a killstreak in online play are able to call in a tactical
nuke strike.
It's not very tactical, though: when it hits, it kills everyone and the game ends.
That's exactly how nukes work in real life as well, which is why nobody has been crazy
enough to use one since the end of World War II.
Ending life on Earth as we know it might be a satisfying way to win a deathmatch in Call
of Duty, but it wouldn't be much fun in the real world.
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