he's gonna take you back to the past
he's gonna take you back to the past to
play the shitty games
we rather
easy
video game
Oh
we've only touched upon some of the many
classic gaming consoles like the Atari
2600 but now it's time to introduce you
to two of its competitors feeling down
and dirty feeling kinda me
give it a the Intellivision one to
another extreme Sibbett be the
ColecoVision this time
both try to take that Atari and both had
a similar library games I wanna stick
around to lock
like today you got all these games you
don't know which way to look
when it gets
it's always
double visions got the best of me
first we're going to talk about the
Intellivision it was test marketed in
1979 but officially released in 1980
notice it's fine wood texture everything
back then was made of wood
you know the Stone Age well that was the
wood age the Intellivision came from
Mattel electronics now you know what
else they made the power glove now
that's a bad sign right there
but it was a great game system first
time now I'm gonna whip through a bunch
of random games mostly shitty ones but
I'm gonna tell you right now I have
three common complaints number one many
of the games are very similar to other
games and often their blatant copies
number two without instructions they're
difficult to understand how to play
number three the controls suck ass and
in this regard the main problem is the
controllers why a numeric keypad this is
a video game controller not a phone then
there's two little buttons on each side
which are usually the fire buttons it's
awkward to handle and rather than a
joystick or a control pad of some kind
you get this weird disc sometimes in the
heat of the game you can actually Jam
your fingernail on it it also acts as a
button so in total that's 17 buttons and
for games this complex you really need
that many when you pop in a game the
first thing you do is try every button
before you figure out which ones do
anything most of them don't do jack [ __ ]
and it's different for each game that's
why many of the games come with overlays
you slide it over the keys and now you
can see what they do it helps out but
damn what a [ __ ] little [ __ ] and the
game's barely fit in the cartridge slot
it's like trying to stick your dick in a
cheerio so this is space battle sounds
promising enough but ok what's this
none of the buttons do anything but make
fart noises and the overlay has a bunch
of try forces is this where they came
from all you got to do is wait for the
squadron's to meet the aliens and then
it brings up the battle screen where you
shoot blueberry pancakes this should be
the whole game why does this part even
exist next I don't know let's try
mission X more like mission ass it's a
2d shoe
but it's real hard to shoot things I
mean you have to be at the exact
altitude to rises up and it goes down
and the fire buttons are on the side I
mean that's great
right why not spread the buttons out as
much as possible all right what's next
how about utopia it's kind of a
precursor to Sim City you're basically
the god of an island you build stuff and
storms come by and wow all I can say is
that back in 1981 people had a lot more
imagination
okay how about he-man oh man I thought
was gonna be he man so you're flying
around in the wind Raider shooting that
stuff I think on the ground that
Skeletor he dropped bombs on him and
that's it wait did I just call that
white square a-bomb see that's using
your imagination Vectron in the 80s
everything was Tron Megatron Voltron
Tron the movie you get the idea this is
a weird weird game the first challenge
is to figure out which of these
indescribable objects you're controlling
so guess what I think you're this Green
v you can shoot it's tough but you can't
move and that's just fantastic because
there's a big gleaming box immediately
blocking your path I'm not gonna lie I
don't get it now speaking of Tron here
we have Tron deadly discs you just run
around throwing [ __ ] people seems like
it would be a fun little game but what
ruins it for me is how ass the controls
are rather than having one simple fire
button and aiming with the joypad or
disk or whatever the keypad determines
which direction you shoot get the [ __ ]
thin ice okay you're a penguin I skating
around collecting torches or they could
be McDonald french fries who knows the
whole time there's a seal on your ass
which kills you but the black Penguins
do absolutely nothing Advanced Dungeons
& Dragons well advanced is right for the
time it's a pretty complicated game you
start out moving some dots around on the
map screen then you go into caves you
fight monsters and find items one of
those jacks
can I pick them up I guess not the
limited visibility is pretty annoying
and
without the overlay or any instructions
I gotta admit I don't know what the hell
I'm doing but this is one of the
granddaddy's of adventure games alright
what we got here
space Spartans man what the hell does
that mean a Spartan in space was Marvin
the Martian of space Spartan you got
this grid screen and you'll shoot [ __ ]
which looks like Tie Fighters
microsurgeon the picture reminds me of
slim Goodbody I can't believe I'm making
that kind of reference but anyway you
control a barely visible dot on the
screen moving around the human body
there's spiders and clouds floating
around and I doubt this thing's
medically accurate you just explore all
the guts technically making it the
goriest game ever made but it only goes
so far
guess the piss and [ __ ] zone just didn't
do it frog bog you're a frog and the
goal is to eat as many flies as you can
it's the same thing as frogs and flies
on the Atari 2600 but the graphics are
way better on Atari the Flies are just
flickering dots however it's more fun to
play because of its fluent control it's
a fine example of better graphics don't
make a better game buzz bombers now this
is funny you kill a bunch of bees with
bug spray but no you don't use a can of
bug spray
you are the can of bug spray there's
also a hummingbird you can shoot at but
it doesn't seem to do anything you know
when bees sting you their asses break
off and they die space hawk man
everything begins with space so you're
just a guy floating around space
shooting green slime uh-oh the bubbles
are coming got to find that ah mother of
a [ __ ] it'd be so much easier to move if
you could just use the disk instead it's
the damn keypad oh here comes the space
hawk gotta move gotta move damn I wipe
my ass on this game
boxing ok yeah boxing this sucks
snafu you have to keep the line going as
long as possible without touching the
other lines or hitting your own it's the
bare basics of graphics but surprisingly
it's a pretty fun game ok now we got to
move on but let me introduce the intel
avoids voice synthesis module what the
[ __ ] is that well it makes your games
talk yeah now
the idea having voices and video games
was a new thing but unfortunately only a
few games were compatible like b-17
bomber Mattel electronics presents 3:17
Oh
b-17 v 317 Wow I [ __ ] the game let's
try bomb squad Mattel electronics
presents bomb squad they'll never
written by the cold Oh figure out the
code what guess I got a defuse the bomb
it won't be easy replace this turd oh
it's tech Big Bird oh [ __ ] oh [ __ ]