I was recently home in Boston, and my mother--
[cheer] Thank you.
My mother Irena referred to the singer Celine Dion--
Listen to me now.
She referred to the singer Celine Dion
as Salon Dijon.
I honestly don't know why we're not all doing backflips
right now.
Salon Dijon
was said to me in a room with air in it.
I heard it, remembered it, and brought it to the show.
That is a gift.
I haven't even added anything.
It's like a cat bringing a dead bird.
It's a treasure.
And it wasn't like this-- it wasn't like,
"Peter, who's that singer,
"French-Canadian, I don't know, Salon Dijon?
"I don't know. What's her name? I don't know.
Salon, is that it? Salon Dijon? I don't know."
It wasn't like that. It was like this.
"Peter, your father got me tickets
to my favorite recording artist..."
[laughter]
"Salon Dijon."
Just an expensive mustard rinse of a performer.
"Ooh. I love Salon.
"I hope she plays my favorite song
"from my favorite movie,
"That's my favorite movie.
"Starring my favorite actor, Leonardo DiPizzaplace.
"He...
"is a dream.
"♪ Here there under the stairs ♪
I love the lyrics."
None of those are the lyrics, Mom.
So I don't know if you can tell by my overall vibe
I am a friendly fellow.
Kind of guy who likes to get to the airport
a couple hours early, get a few white wines in me,
and start telling old people they still got it.
That's the kind--
High-fiving babies. That sort of thing.
I don't feel like I belong in comedy.
People going out,
drinking slippery American cocktails,
having sex after.
I don't belong in the nightclub scene.
Look at me. Huh-huh!
This face doesn't-- Hi, how you doing?
Fixed your taillight while you were sleeping.
No charge.
That's-- [laughter]
I don't belong in a comedy club.
I like to think that there are millions
and millions of different universes,
each slightly different from the last.
And this universe, the one we're all in currently,
is the only one where I'm not a youth pastor.
[laughter]
Does that resonate with you?
I shouldn't be on a fancy stage right now.
I should be in a carpeted gymnasium
with an acoustic guitar with a rainbow strap
just like...
Who wants to rap about the Lord?
Let's do this.
Let's get some testimonies going.
Tyler, I love those testes, buddy.
Break out those testes.
But no one will tell me why that's funny.
Yeah!
[laughter]
Corny guy.
I always like doing something silly up top.
This is a guy telling his Latino friend...
that their soccer team finally broke their losing streak.
Okay?
Guy telling his Latino friend
that their soccer team finally broke their losing streak.
[laughter]
"Juan!"
[laughter]
"We won one, Juan!
"Juan, we won one!
"We finally won one, Juan!
"Where were you when we won one, Juan?
"We finally won one, Juan.
"One is what we won, Juan. One is what we won.
"It was one to one for the longest time, Juan.
"Then we won one, Juan.
Penalty kicks."
If that doesn't unlock the safe where you keep your joy,
maybe lube up the dial a little bit.
Just a little bit.
For yourself.
[applause]
We're having a good time.
That is the worst thing to do
when you're actually having a good time,
is to declare it.
I do that all the time.
If I'm at a party and we are having
a fun time, I'll go, "Oh, man, fun with friends."
[laughter]
Not anymore.
You just ruined it.
I'll actually teach you guys
the worst thing you can say.
Do you guys want to learn the worst thing
you could say?
I figured it out.
If you're at a party and you actually
are having a fun time,
wait for there to be a lull
in your little horseshoe of friends,
statistically every 11 minutes,
then just look at them and go,
"Oh, man, this party is McDonald's."
[laughter]
"I'm lovin' it."
[applause]
That's it!
That's the worst thing you can say.
Feel how you feel right now?
Violated.
That joke changes your core temperature.
The feeling of hearing that joke
is the feeling of getting hit in the face with a living lobster.
That's what that joke feels like.
And everyone falls for it.
I don't care how smart you are.
Like, This party's McDonald's.
What?
What do you-- what do you mean--
what does he mean by that?
What do you mean by that, sir?
I'm lovin' it.
Fuck you.
Fuck you, sir.
Everyone falls for it. You have this.
This is a tool in your tool belt now.
You didn't know you were gonna leave better
than you came.
If you're on a date...
you just don't give a shit about the date,
you knew right away, you're like, "Nope,"
sabotage the date.
Wait for a lull and just look at them
and be like, "Oh, man...
this date is McDonald's."
Then there's a timing to it.
It's a three count or two dry swallows.
"I'm lov--" They're gone.
They are not there.
They are not there when you come back.