Picture this: You're fighting with your partner and the tension is rising between you,
then all of a sudden you notice a spark of anger in their eyes and
KABOOM!!! A massive fight erupts.
Now you've been here before and you know how these kind of fights end. Usually in icy
cold silences with one of you sleeping on the couch and leaving a crater of hurt
that could take weeks to recover from. Hi, I'm Bruce Muzik.
I'm a relationship coach and I help couples to stop fighting, start connecting
and turn their marriages and relationships around. In this video we are going to learn
four counter intuitive strategies to stop any fight from exploding into a volcanic like
eruption and actually resolve the conflict in any place... anytime.
A big promise?.. I know, and I've road tested all four of these strategies in my relationship
coaching practice so I know that they work. Here is strategy number 1:
Imagine you are in a boxing ring... and your opponent is throwing punches at you left, right and center
What do you do? Well, you block and you duck and you defend yourself and whenever
you get an opportunity you throw a couple of punches back, and they block and defend
themselves and you go backwards and forth creating punches. When you're defending... you
are inviting them to attack and throw punches. When you are attacking, you are inviting them
to defend. And what most people don't see is that defense and attack are two sides of
the same coin and as long as you're defending yourselves you're inviting an attack and as long as
you are attacking you're inviting your opponent to defend themselves. The only way to stop
a fight is to actually step out of the ring... completely.
Try this instead: Instead of fighting be defenseless. You are actually inviting conflict
in by defending yourself, so here is an easy way to be defenseless. Find something
you can agree with your partner about. Find something in what they've said that you can
agree with. You might hypothetically say something like "Yes honey, you're right. I did leave
the car headlights on and the battery is flat". With no yelling at you about leaving the lights
on in the car. This is going to completely catch them off guard and interrupt that pattern
of attack, defend, attack, defend, attack, defend. It will also sooth your partner and calm them down
knowing that you're not defending. That you are actually agreeing with them. But Bruce!
I hear you cry... What if I can't find something to agree with? Well... then you're going to
try strategy number two. Strategy number two is to demonstrate that you are listening. You see,
we human beings have an almost primal need to feel heard and understood; and half the time your partner
is upset their just wanting you to listen to them, they just want you to hear
them so they can feel that you understand them and you care about what they are
saying. So try this strategy to make you partner feel heard and understood. When they are talking
with you in an upset tone of voice, instead of defending yourself; repeat back to them what
they actually said. So you might say something like, "So what I am hearing you say honey is
that I left the lights on and the car battery is flat and now you're gonna be late for work,
did I get it?" Notice at the end I put the phrase "DID I GET IT?" I did this because
I want to confirm that I've actually understood what my partner says, it shows them how much
I really want to understand what they are saying, and it's also a sign of respect and
calms down that reptilian part of their brain that might be about to get triggered. When
they hear you say "Did I get it? They know that they are going to have an opportunity
to speak and you're just going to listen, you are not going to be defending. It's a
great way to de-escalate conflict. Try it! It works like magic. I'll teach you an even more
advance version of this tool in my Love At First Fight coaching program, which I will tell you
more about at the end of this video. Now, strategy number three is to take ownership of the situation
and apologize for your part in it. But you did left the headlights on didn't you? Yeah
you did, right? And you did make your partner late for work? Yeah, you have right? So you
might say something like "You're right honey, I did leave the car headlights on and I have made
you late for work and I'm really sorry". You see how that works? You can't argue with that,
right? That's the power of a simple heart felt apology and taking responsibility for
your part in what you've created.
Okay, here is our fourth and final strategy to stop any fight dead in its tracks. And it's this:
It's called stand together and attack the misunderstanding.
You see, what most couples do is they stand
against each other and they attack each other. Most fights are just the result of a misunderstanding.
Usually it's a misunderstanding about your partner's intentions or each others intentions,
or a misunderstanding about what has actually happened because of a misinformation or incomplete
information. When you stand together and attack the misunderstanding over there, it unites
the two of you. Instead of standing opposite each other and attacking each other. See how
different that is? Here's how you do it! You can use several strategies. One of my favorite ones
is to stand next to your partner, with your partner next to you rather than standing opposite them, because
that position of being opposite is almost confrontational. If you stand side by side
it's almost like the two of you are gazing out at the misunderstanding ready to attack it
as a team, and actually unites you. Another thing that you can do is start using "We language"
so you might say something like "WOW! we've really got ourselves into a pickle here, I'm
sorry honey I did leave the car lights on. How can we resolve this?... Would it be okay
if I call a cab for you to get you at work in time? and then I can pick you up after work
and we can drive home together." We language is the language of unity it's the language
of a team it's the language of a couple it's the language of love. So start using WE language
that unites the two of you together. And then finally you can address the misunderstanding.
And very often when your partner is upset they're assuming that you've done something
intentionally to hurt them. In this case you might say "You know honey, the misunderstanding
is I really wasn't trying to make you late on purpose and I wasn't being careless. I
was just so excited about seeing you when I got home last night and I was late and I
wanted to make sure that I caught you before you fell asleep. So I turned off the car but
forgot to turn the lights off, ran upstairs to give you a big kiss and then fell asleep
in your arms. And I am sorry I just wanted to let you know that I loved you, and I left the
lights on because I fell asleep in your arms... I'm really sorry." What's your partner going to
say to that? It's not like they're going to start attack you for loving them so much that you
wanted to kiss them good night, is it? So when you unpack the misunderstanding and attack it
together, when the two of you are standing united next to each other, committed to fight the misunderstanding
and attacking it, there will be no more conflict between you. Now go and take these four strategies
and use them to stop an argument from escalating into a full blown fight. Now, as useful as
these strategies are they are not going to fix you troubled relationship for you they
are just strategies for the heat of the moment. If you are walking on egg shells
around your partner or if there is constant tension in your relationship or you're experiencing
a fuzzy communication problem or perhaps one of you is withdrawing and the other
one is chasing and becoming needy and the other one's withdrawing into their shell, then
you really do need to seek professional help. So if you are ready to end the cycle of conflict
in your relationship I can help. I designed a seven week online training program that
is designed to help you fix your troubled relationship and get the two of you on the
road to a new life together. It has worked for hundreds of couples and I know it will
work for you. If you know you need help and you're ready to reach out and stop
making the same mistakes over and over again, click on the link here and you can check out
the program. We've got one starting soon. I look forward to meeting you and helping
you turn your marriage or your relationship around. I'm Bruce Muzik... I wish you an open
hearted, loving, delicious relationship, I'll talk to you soon. Bye, bye!