Clay: Is No Contact the best way to get an ex back?
That's what we're going to be talking about in this video. But first, my name is Clay,
with modernlove.life, where we help you get the great loving relationship that you're
looking for without having to play mind games, without having to play hard to get, and without
having to pretend to be someone or something that you are not, because you deserve to be
loved for the unique, amazing, and wonderful person that you are.
Clay: And if you agree with me, do me a favor by
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Clay: But yeah, anyway, we are going to be talking
about No Contact. This is something that a lot of people have probably heard about at
some point, maybe you've heard about it from me. Most likely you've heard about it from
other people, but there is a lot when it comes to No Contact. So a lot of people believe
that No Contact is something that they need to do in order to get back together with their
ex. There's all these other channels on YouTube. There's all these other people on the internet
that say that you got to do No Contact. And again, don't get me wrong. There is absolutely
a time and place for No Contact, but I go against the grain in that I say that you don't
necessarily need to do No Contact.
Clay: A lot of times people will say that you need
to do No Contact because immediately after a breakup, you end up in this state of mind
where you're driven by panic and fear that we call damage control mode. And when you're
in damage control mode, you can sometimes do and say things that you probably shouldn't
say or do, over texting, or over calling your ex, begging and pleading, grand romantic gestures,
that sort of stuff. It's not super great as I'm sure you've probably figured out, most
of us, we have this experience of being in damage control mode after a breakup, and so
we find out pretty quickly that that sort of stuff doesn't work. And if you are in damage
control mode, sure. Doing No Contact can be a helpful thing. It can stop you from doing
things that are going to set you back.
Clay: However, if you're not in damage control mode,
and if you have certain other things in place, then doing No Contact might not make a whole
lot of sense. The only reason you should really even think about doing No Contact is if you
interacting with your ex is doing more harm than good. Obviously something isn't working,
so we should stop contacting our ex to reevaluate what's happening and what we might need to
do differently. That should make a lot of sense.
Clay: Now, on the other hand, if you interacting
with your ex is bringing the two of you closer together, then hey, something is working and
we don't want to broke what ain't fixed, right? So that's a situation where you might not
want to do No Contact.
Clay: Okay? So is No Contact the best way, though?
And just baked into this statement is the idea that No Contact is a way to get your
ex back, and No Contact is not a way to get your ex back. It's a tool that you might consider
using. If you're of the mindset that No Contact is the way to get your ex back, because maybe
you've watched someone else on YouTube. Then you might be thinking, "Okay, I have to cut
contact with my ex and wait passively until they miss me so much that they decide to crawl
back over broken shards of glass in order to beg for me to take them back or something
like that, because then I have turned the tables on them and then I get to gratify my
own ego," or something like that. Right?
Clay: And if that's your thought process, then we're
going to have to have some long conversations, let's put it that way, but you might want
to start by checking out this video series on the No Contact rule. I'll put a link to
that up in the video card, up there in the upper right hand corner of this video, it
goes over my take on the No Contact rule, which is probably a little bit more controversial
compared to what other people are probably suggesting that you do, but No Contact is
not a way to get your ex back.
Clay: And if you're treating it as a way to get
your ex back, then it's probably a pretty terrible way because you're basically giving
all of your power to your ex and you're waiting passively for them to start missing you to
the point where they're going to come crawling back to you over broken shards of glass, or
whatever. And that is fundamentally disempowering because you are giving them control over whatever
happens or doesn't happen next, which means you are disempowering yourself and you're
waiting passively for them to hopefully, hopefully, someday, somehow, some way, change their mind.
And there's a lot of reasons why they might not change their mind, which we can talk about
in other videos, but it's unlikely that they're just going to do it on their own. Sure. I'm
sure there's people that have gotten back together with their ex using No Contact, and
they have waited passively and their ex has crawled over broken shards of glass and confessed
that they made a mistake and want to get back together with them. But is that going to happen
to you? Probably not.
Clay: So what actually is going to help you and
your ex get back together? You may have heard me say this before in other videos, but it's
focusing on the quality of the emotional connection between you and your ex. If the two of you
are connecting and interacting and talking to one another in some capacity, and it's
bringing the two of you closer together, and there's a deeper emotional connection, that
emotional connection is getting, then they're going to want to spend more time with you.
They're going to want to interact with you more. They're going to want to meet up with
you more. They're going to want to talk to you more. They're going to want to connect
with you more. And the more that this happens, the more we start to create a positive feedback
loop, and that's going to just bring them closer and closer and closer together, until
there comes a point in time where they just say, "Hey, we're getting along really great.
And maybe I should get back together with you." That's the really shortened, simple
version of our core strategy here. And it works pretty well.
Clay: It works a whole lot better than just waiting
around passively for your ex to someday, somehow, some way, miss you and start crawling back
over broken shards of glass, which apparently people are conveniently leaving for their
ex to crawl over, which is really weird if you ask me. If you really want your ex to
crawl over broken shards of glass to get back together, do you really love them that you
would wish them to be cut and scraped up and what not? But whatever, it's your fantasy,
you can do whatever you want. But seriously, is that your fantasy that they crawl back
to you over broken shards of? I don't know. Maybe it just speaks to the desire that they
have for you, that they'd be willing to inflict bodily pain on themselves.
Clay: But anyway, no, No Contact is not the best
way to get back together with your ex. What is the best way? Focus on the quality of the
emotional connection. If you focus on that, you're focusing on what is most important,
and the stronger you can get that emotional connection, the more likely your ex is going
to want to interact with you more and want to see what's possible between the two of
you, and see a future between the two of you, and actually want to get back together again.
So focus on that connection, make sure it is as strong as possible. Don't get caught
up in these weird mind games that people play about, "Whoever cares the least use controls
the relationship. You just have to show them that you're willing to walk away and then
leave these broken shards of glass for them to walk over, to crawl over and then just
wait it out, wait it out and make them feel the pain of losing you," or something like
that.
Clay: Sure, your ex should experience the consequences
of their decisions, but this isn't some sort of weird bizarro Machiavellian power struggle
or something. If it is, ask yourself if this is really the person that you want to be in
a relationship with, because if your partner, that you're in a relationship with, is someone
that you have to have a Machiavellian power struggle with, they're probably not the right
partner for you to be with. At least that's my opinion. I would rather be in a relationship
with someone who I trust fully and someone who I know is on my side and someone who I
can relax at the end of the day with, knowing that she loves me for who I am, not because
I'm going to play a certain reverse psychology mind game on her. And that is actually who
I ended up marrying. And it's been working out pretty well for me so far.
Clay: Anyway. So yeah, No Contact, it's a tool.
You can use it if you need to, not everyone needs to. It's certainly not the ideal best
way, if you can even consider it a way, to get back together with your ex. It's a tool.
What is a better way is to actually focus on having positive interactions that bring
the two of you closer together. And that's something that you want to learn how to do.
We do have our course, called, The Ex Solution Program, that goes through the actually how
to have positive interactions through what we call advanced relational skills. There's
a link down in the description box below this video to a page that will tell you more about,
The Ex Solution Program, how it all works, these advanced relational skills, all that
sort of stuff.
Clay: And if it seems interesting to you, if it
seems like it might be a good fit for where you're at, then hey, you're welcome to sign
up. If it's not right for you, that's totally all right, too. I'm not here to twist your
arm or anything like that, but just wanted to let you know that it's out there.
Clay: And if you've found this video helpful, please
help me out by hitting that thumbs up button. Again, it helps to tell YouTube that this
is a quality video that they might want to show to more people. And it does help other
people out as well too, who might find this video further on down the road. In fact, maybe
that is why you are watching this video right now, is because someone before you hit that
thumbs up button, and if that's the case, then thank you to whoever did hit that thumbs
up button. But yeah, thanks so much for watching this video. If you do want to learn more about
our take on the No Contact rule, we do have this video series over here, or you might
want to check out this video right over here, but thank you so much for watching. Please
take care, and have a great day.