the stuff you like you can call me Ursa and it's ME!
Blind Pew!
No it's not.
Mmm.
Fine.
This is Stuff You Like, you can call me Ursa, and Jim Hawkins is totally a
Disney Princess you guys I mean look at his flowing blond locks the drudgery of
his current life that cute little dirt smudge on his nose his soprano I want
song also he has Muppet animal companion how is that not amazing what I'm
trying to say here is muppet treasure island was the bestest thing ever and I was
completely obsessed with it when I was a tween I guess to the point that when I bought
the DVD last year and watched it for the first time in 15 years I remembered every
line doesn't hurt that every song is a complete earworm and everyone looks
like they're having a ball on that note the plot it goeth thusly: Jim Hawkins
is an orphan who is bored with his life of drudgery and dished doing at an inn.
Billy
bones former pirate who also lives there have a treasure map he stole from the
now-deceased captain Flint.
Bones's former shipmates catch-up with him and try
to
get them back and the shock gives Bones a fatal heart attack
"He died? and this is supposed to be a kids movie!"
Billy Connolly was reportedly very proud of
being the only named character ever to die in a movie before he dies he gives
Jim the map and so Jim Gonzo and Rizzo find themselves rich halfwit Fozzie bear
I mean young squire Trelawney.
Trelawney hires kermit Smollit to captain the Hispaniola
but entrusts the rest of the hiring to the man who lives in his finger and Long John
Silver.
I'm starting to worry about this voyage.
Me too Kermit, me too.
Silver takes Jim under his wing but oh no turns
out he and the rest of the crew are pirates who trick the first mate into testing the
lifeboats steal his keys and the map, then mutiny and kidnap Jim, try and make them join
him and then there's hunting and the good Muppets get kidnapped by the Muppet pigs who
live on the island and turns out miss piggy has
treasure in her house, Kermit and Miss Piggy sing a parody award song, Jim et al conduct
a daring rescue, Tim Curry has a fight with Kermit the Frog and it's kind of amazing.
It seems that all has ended happily
but then silver escapes because we still have keys from an earlier plot point
good old boy and jim has family in silver give him his compass back because
my heart and they sail off into the sunset the end
also there's a ton of muppet-related fourth wall breaking and anachronistic rats
on a pirate crews and I loved this movie so much.
even though I'm not really a pirate person because pirates you guys less
Johnny Depp more David Weber books but nevermind that because I want to talk
about shiny things and daddy issues.
Pirate stories at least the good ones are only
tangentially about treasure I mean Pirates of the Caribbean is about undead
pirates trying to return treasure in order to break a curse and Elizabeth and
Will trying to do shiz and Will discovering his family history and Jack
Sparrow Jack Sparrowing it up looking for the treasure is generally means of
meeting goals I wish to find this treasure because is much more
compelling than I am a pirate and I want to be
rich let's go look for treasure I guess
And so Muppet Treasure Island being a good pirate movie is not about treasure
it's more like muppet Daddy substitute Jim wants to be like his father but he
never knew him and so he's easy prey for the likes of Long John Tim Curry and his
exciting life of a sailor Treasure Island the novel features both of Jim's
parents though it does kill Jim's dad off quite early but the movie does adopt
most of the important plot elements like Jim Hawkins being given Billy Bones
treasure map he and some posh dudes going in
search of the treasure yetta yadda the basic
thread of the story is the same but some of the details have been changed so they can
cram in more muppets.
Long John Silver hasn't changed that much though
in the book he's duplicitous and charming a consummate actor and he wins jim's
trust almost immediately
silver is just more charismatic than Smollit and that's true even when Smollit
is Kermit the Frog.
Smollit in the book is very lawful good he's very orderly he's very
honorable but he has all of the charisma of a damp rag really silver by contrast
is dashing and exciting and charming and in the movie at least also Tim Curry.
I love Tim Curry
in this movie did I mention that I also love every interaction that Tim Curry
has with anyone else in this movie
Well hello, Looong Joooohn!
This is totally a kids film what are you even talking about
Long John and Smollitt and Benjamina give us a love triangle or at least a parody of
one complete with love led us here hilariously award baity style song
sung by muppets about to be dropped
off a cliff but the real triangle here is Jim's.
Our blonde Disney protagonist
has a hero worship triangle going on with Smollit and Silver their two
competing philosophies.
Silver gets to sing about his because Tim Curry he also
has the advantage of not being green which I here isn't easy but both of them
actually care about Jim and Jim cares about both of them and so internal conflict
Does Jim go along with the second act mutiny with father figure silver or does
he stick with captain Smollit who is less warm and less nurturing and also a
frog do you want to be like your dad who you're told is kind and good and
honorable but who is dead or do you want to be like silver who was kind to you at
least and warm and charismatic and right here available to you.
Oh but also his
apart and so it goes that Jim chooses the friends he has over the daddy
substitution who's threatening them because Silver is a charming jerk although the
Muppet version is at least a little stronger willed than the book version.
He's that whole exciting and dangerous but really a gooey gumdrop underneath type that
makes them easy to like but he's probably gonna try and kill your friends.
all complicated by the fact that other said he really does like Jim which
is a good thing but not enough to make him not horrible person which is all nicely
messy and complicated kind of reminds me of Severus Snape in that regard
like you feel very sorry for him because he does have one character trait which
isn't just awful but then you remember he's not really a very nice person and so
it goes Silver's endearing characteristics are enough
that Jim doesn't turn him in when he escapes
but also not great enough for Jim to actually go with him.
Muppet Treasure island is I think the darkest of the
Muppet movies not in terms of tone that
would be a muppet Christmas Carol which straight up terrified me when I was
little but in terms of the actual things that happen.
I mean it starts with mass
murder and it deals with big themes: father-son relationships and people who
are kind to you but also horrible people generally and betrayal and death and yet
it still amazingly funny because it is so incredibly silly.
The fourth wall is broken all the time there are rats on a
cruise there the whole intentional big lipped alligator moment that his cabin fever and
it's glorious and sweet and memorable oh so very
memorable you know what I could use right now?
A singalong.
[CABIN FEVER ENSUES]
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