I heard this recently from a father I was working with at the office, "Is this really my
beloved kid?". Let's talk today about how teenagers sometimes destroy their parent's expectations.
I'm Dr. Paul Jenkins a professional psychologist. I've worked with children
and families for my entire career and I've noticed some things that are really important.
Let's face the harsh realities but then I'm going to give you some really practical steps that
you can use as well. Going back to this father that I mentioned, "Is this really my beloved kid?",
I think in exasperation he also said, "This is not my kid", as he explained all the things that
his teenager was doing that were driving him crazy and just demolishing his expectations
and I listened with empathy. I'm a psychologist, I'm trained to do this and then I responded, "Actually,
you're right this is not your kid this is your teenager. They're different things, different
animals", he hadn't really thought about it that way. But you think about it for just a minute. Teenagers
are not the same as children they're going through very different developmental tasks and milestones.
They are not the same people that they were when they were kids. If you have a teenager your kid
no longer exists, gone. Vicki and I had four children none of which are children anymore.
Yes, they are out children, our offspring but they're all adults. Well, what happened to our kids? They
grew up. They're gone. They no longer exist on this planet. Now, we have four adults that we love and
cherish and they've brought other people into our life including grandkids which we're really
excited about. But the point that I'm making is that our kids don't keep and neither do our
teenagers. Because they're only going to be teens for a short time relatively speaking and then they
move on to being young adults and then they move on to being full-fledged adults and then they move
on to being old people. So let's get it through our head right up front here that this is not our
kid this is our teenager. In saying that, I'm also going to acknowledge that that's sad. If one of our
children dies we hold a funeral. there's a marker that says oh this child is no longer in my life.
That's not what happens when they turn into teenagers but still we lose our child and
there's some grieving that happens it's a natural part of being a parent and doing your job which
is to love them no matter what and even if. If you love them you're going to be sad when they're gone.
Give yourself a little bit of a chance to grieve the loss of your child and I'm not even
overstating that. I've talked to parents who really have a strong grief response when their children
pass from one stage to the next. So give yourself a chance to feel that. This is important because
you have to let go of what was in order to accept what is and we have to accept what is in order to
prepare for what is to be. As our children move through these stages, we're going to have some
feelings and if you're like me you'll feel maybe that they pass through them a little too quickly.
I miss my kids. I miss my teenagers. I don't have any of them anymore. I really enjoy these adults
who are raising my grandkids. I'll throw out a little practical idea when I mentioned earlier
that if our child actually dies we hold a funeral. You might consider doing a little mental funeral
for your child. The child that was so that you can let go and be able to move forward to really
engage with and appreciate the teenager that you now have. So, what are we going to do with this
new person in our life? It really is a new person that didn't exist before. Yes, you had
your child who had many of the same traits and characteristics but now you have a teenager who's
completely different from that child. Look at it as a new person that you get to know
and as you do that notice where your expectations are. Expectations from a psychological standpoint
are one of the most common causes of frustration and annoyance and anger and resentment. Because
we get it in our head that things should be a certain way. See, that's the expectation and then
when it turns out different we feel frustrated or annoyed. The mistake that most of us make as
parents when we feel frustration and annoyance is that we blame our teenager. We blame them for
how we feel. Look, it's not your teenager's fault or responsibility that you feel any particular thing.
You're never wrong about how you feel but your feelings are based on your own thoughts, your own
beliefs, your own expectations, that have been violated. That's what causes your feelings. Own
it, because in owning it you have a little bit of power to steer it in a little different direction.
If you feel frustrated realize that that comes from your own expectations and those can change
stop blaming your teenager. Hey, real quick before we get into the rest of this video.
Parenting is not something that you should do alone. Let us be on your team to support you in
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Let's go back to something that I acknowledged earlier when I said that children don't
keep and neither do teenagers. This is a very brief window of time where you get to know someone
that you didn't know before. Get to know them. Start to work on that relationship as if it were a brand
new relationship in your life and be fascinated with who this person is? What their potential is?
What their capabilities are? What their skills are? What their interests are? Get to know them.
Our kids are not little carbon copies of us and they're not there to fulfill our unmet
wishes and dreams. That's our job to live our own life not to have our kids live it for us. So get
to know them on their own. As you're doing this choose to enjoy every stage of development.
I think we do ourselves a disservice when we talk about teenagers as being the bane of our existence
or the source of all of our problems. They're not. They're delightful people that we are getting to
know. Now, think about it for a minute, if I gave you a challenge to enjoy your teenager for a full
afternoon. I mean, sincerely enjoy. Now, most of you are probably thinking, "Yeah, I can do that. We have
fun together. I've enjoyed them before", Well, could you do it for a full day? Could you do it for two
days? Could you do it for three? Could you do it for a full week? Where you sincerely enjoy this
person and if you had to if your life depended on it or if there were some big reward if you did.
What would you have to change about your own behavior or your approach in order to
enjoy them? See, that's a pretty useful question and that gets us going on a track that we can
actually have some control over. Choose to enjoy them at every stage and one more practical thing
learn the skill set the parents of teenagers need to know. We handle consequences differently.
We handle communication differently. We handle a lot of things differently when our kids are
teenagers than we did when they were younger kids. All of those skills that you learned
parenting your youngsters are going to be useful and helpful as you parent your teens. But there's
an additional skill set that you get to add on top of that particularly when it comes to consequences
and communication. Just as a little insight to that. Teenagers are trying to control or drive their own
life. This is a time of life when it's important for them to transition into more responsibility
and more control over their own life. As parents we get to shift with them and if we try to maintain
control where we should be allowing that control to shift over to our teen it creates conflict and
frustration. It's not particularly easy to develop a skill set. You think about learning a language or
learning a new musical instrument takes a lot of practice and parenting teens is a
very similar kind of a skill set it takes a lot of practice. So, give yourself the time.
Be patient with yourself. Surround yourself with people who will support that journey for you
and jump in because it's going to be some work to develop that skillset.
I hope you found that helpful and I'm not going to leave you hanging. The next video that you'll
want to watch is five things every parent of a teenager needs to know. I'm teaming up with my wife
Vicki to bring you some powerful content there. Cue up that video next and I'll see you there.