We all know that there's a grand old literary tradition
of stories where the title character dies at the end.
Shakespeare's habit of titling his tragedies in this manner
is well-documented.
But as far as I'm aware, Julius Caesar is the only
one of his plays in which the title character kicks it at the halfway point.
Not even Old Yeller kicked us in the teeth that hard.
Julius Caesar is one of Shakespeare's historical tragedies.
It chronicles the conspiracy to assassinate Caesar,
the following Battle of Phillipi,
Brutus' struggles with his inner demons, and Mark Antony overcoming his crippling fear of public speaking.
Well, maybe not that last one exactly but, you'll see.
The story begins with a celebration, as all the happiest plays do,
commemorating one of Julius Caesar's victories.
But right off the bat, we learn that not everyone is happy with the status quo,
as these two cliche Roman dudes named Flavius and Marullus - Ma - Marull
begin yelling at the happy commoners for being so happy about Caesar's victory
when once they were happy about the victories of this guy named Pompey.
(Who Wikipedia tells me was known as Pompey the Great.)
Pompey was a Roman military leader who fought with Caesar for the right to lead the nation,
causing a civil war that ended in 48 B.C.
four years before the setting of the play
Maru - Ma - uh, THIS guy
is being a grump that the people are so happy for Caesar, where they once showed enthusiasm for Pompey.
(whispers) 'Kay, so, make a note of that, 'cause the whole part about the public being easily swayed is going to be real important later on.
Okay, good? Good.
(normal) So, Flavius yells at the people and sends them all home,
then decides to go around town and tear down the decorations that are honouring Caesar.
Hey, that must have worked out well for him, since those are his last lines in the entire play!
Wait...
Well, blows that theory.
We get our first look at Caesar, and that gentleman is majestic!
He radiates such calm, commanding authority that you can almost forget that he's quite literally giving the actors their stage direction.
(Caesar) Stand you directly in Antonious' way when he doth run his course.
Forget not in your speed, Antonius, to touch Calpurnia.
(Red) Suddenly, he's accosted by a soothsayer.
The soothsayer tells him to, "beware the Ides of March,"
which another swift visit to Wikipedia tells me is just fancy Roman speak for March 15,
an otherwise fairly inocuous day.
My Fair Lady premiered that day, but that's not what I call cause for panic.
So Caesar, like all great leaders, decides to ignore the guy who can see the future and continue with the partying.
So now we shift our attention to Caesar's beloved, trusted,
whatever-he-is-to-him, Brutus.
Now Brutus has been looking kind of down, so his good buddy Cassius,
OBVIOUS VILLAIN ALERT
asks him what's up.
Brutus has... just been going through a lot, y'know?
Just a lot of really deep, poetic soul-searching stuff.
He's not really at his best, and Cassius realizes this.
So, Cassius, Cassius knows that Brutus needs a little pick-me-up,
something to get his spirits back in order.
So Cassius, he's all like, "YOU'LL ALWAYS BE BEAUTIFUL TO ME!"
And Brutus is all like, "Thanks man, that means a lot, y'know?"
And Cassius is like, "You know, I bet the only person in Rome who doesn't want to be you is our good buddy Caesar over there."
So, hey, that was foreboding and all.
So they hear a commotion, and it turns out the people are trying to crown Caesar king
and Caesar's basically having none of it.
So Brutus mentions how he hopes that Caesar doesn't become king,
and Cassius is all like, "hey, that means you don't want him to be king!"
Good job, Cassius.
So Cassius goes on to talk about how Caesar's not so special.
I mean, Caesar gets sick, Caesar gets hungry, Caesar dies from multiple stab wounds for example.
I mean, it's a great speech but it boils down to,
"Why won't the public choose me? What does Caesar have that I don't?"
So Brutus makes it clear that he isn't jealous of Caesar's power,
and Cassius is all, "well, me neither!"
because that would be wrong.
Then the celebration is over and Caesar's talking to Mark Antony.
(as played by Marlon Brando)
and is all, "I don't like the look of that Cassius guy. He's too skinny to trust."
(I knew the fashion industry was up to no good.)
and Mark Antony, keeping the tradition alive, tells Caesar not to worry about the obviously dangerously ambitious character.
*TV Tropes. It could save your life some day*
So Brutus and Cassius get filled in by
this guy
who tells them that during the celebration Mark Antony tried to give Caesar a crown three times
and every time Caesar turned it away.
The people yelled at his refusal so much that the wave of stanky peasant breath made Caesar pass out.
I'm....I'm not even joking.
I wish I could be that funny.
Oh, also Flavius and that bloke who's name I can't pronounce got put to death or something, I don't know.
ANYWAY, so, Brutus wants to talk to Cassius more about this intriguing 'better than Caesar and everybody loves him' concept
So they set up a little conspiracy party dinner date thing
So then Brutus wanders off somewhere and Cassius has a nice relaxing monologue
about how he could totally trick Brutus into being on his side when he betrays Caesar.
Well, I say 'trick'. The word Cassius uses is 'seduce'.
Make of that what you will.
Just, please, no slash fics.
Anyway, Cassius comes up with this brilliant plan to seduce Brutus to the dark side of the Force by throwing notes through his windows,
making it look like the citizens are all telling him to stab Caesar, because all the cool kids are behind him.
Good to know my middle-school experience was true to life.
So that night, there are omens absolutely everywhere.
We're talking: earthquakes, tempests, dudes on fire, owls in the daylight.
All the good stuff that the toga budget wouldn't cover.
So Cassius goes out and talks with... this guy again, and... this guy is all like,
"Oh my God, Cassius, I'm scared, there's lightning and dudes on fire and junk!"
and Cassius is all like, "Right. I've got this fantastic plan. I'm going to stab Caesar right in his stupid face."
and that guy is like, "I think that might be the problem here."
and Cassius is all, "There wouldn't BE a problem if the Romans weren't too weak to act!"
Then another guys shows up and makes it a party.
Cassius gives this other guy the notes to plant in Brutus' house so Brutus will see them
and think that the other people all want him to stab Caesar.
The idea is that with Brutus serving as a figurehead, the conspiracy has a chance of winning the public approval popularity contest
so Cassius can be prom queen.
Brutus can't sleep, on account of all his deep inner turmoil and junk.
Brutus thinks that if Caesar's crowned king, he might stop being a decent leader and start being a tyrant
and, perhaps reasonably, Brutus thinks that it would be better that Caesar die a hero than have him live long enough to become the villain.
Brutus' servant finds the notes and brings them to him,
where Brutus finds out that not only is every Roman 100% behind him on his murderifficate Caesar project,
and his stretch goal of taking Caesar's place as, y'know, Caesar, but they also all seem to have the exact same handwriting.
And then Cassius come a'knockin'!
So Cassius and the conspirators all file in, and Cassius is like,
"Did you get my note?"
(whispering) Okay, so see that right there?
That was a reversal of that thing earlier, where the public was swayed by a different leader,
'cause here it's a leader being swayed by what he thinks is the public opinion.
So that right there is kind of a running theme in the play so far,
and it's going to show up later, so, yeah, pay attention, 'cause things are about to get cool.
Cassius' band of merry men persuade Brutus to go through with their very well thought-out plan
of getting Caesar alone and then stabbing him in the face.
That's genius! Why didn't anyone think of that before?
Seriously. Why did no one think of that befo-
Another conspirator, confusingly enough, also named Brutus, asks if Caesar's the only one on the menu,
and Cassius is like, "I am glad you asked, because I've been thinking about that Mark Antony guy.
He seems kind of like he could ruin our whole plan and turn the public against us."
But Brutus is like, "Nah, he's a good guy, lets leave him be."
I'm certain that won't turn around to bite you in the Cassius.
Haha, butt jokes.
So the conspirators leave to prepare things and make sure Caesar goes to the Capitol that day,
when Brutus' wife Portia appears.
Brutus is like, "What are you doing up so early?"
and she's like, "What are doing up so early?"
and he's like, "You'll get sick,"
and she's like, "You'll get sick."
and then she's like, "What's wrong with you? You're all grumpy and talking to strange dudes.
and he's like, "It's none of your business,"
and then she's like, "I am your business!"
Check out this strong female character, guys!
Too bad she, ***********************
So Caesar's house is all omen-y, just like the streets outside, and his wife keeps yelling about him getting stabbed or something,
so he tells the priests to do some sacrifices to see if he should leave the house.
Then his wife is all, "Maybe you should stay at home today, what with all the rains of blood and dead people wandering around."
and Caesar's like, "Quit being so alarmist,"
and she's like, "No, seriously, I think you're going to die.
See I had this dream where you were bleeding all over the place."
and he's like, "Dying? That's for quitters!"
So the augurs are like, "Yeah, you shouldn't leave the house today,"
and Caesar's all like, "Whaaaaaaat-ever."
So his wife is all like, "Caesar, for crying out loud,
just humour me on this one."
and Caesar's like, "Fine."
Then one of the conspirators show up and is all like, "Hey, Caesar,
coming to the Senate today?"
and Caesar's all like, "Nah, man, my wife had a bad dream and doesn't want me to leave the house."
So the conspirator explains how the dream about Caesar bleeding all over the place was actually a good thing somehow,
and besides, they were totally planning on crowning Caesar king that day,
and Caesar's like, "That sounds legit," and leaves.
(sigh) I'm really finding it hard to feel sorry about what's about to happen right now.
Caesar is walking to the Senate.
One of his supporters tries to warn him about the conspiracy, but the guy gets shooed away
In the Senate house!
One of the conspirators is like, "Hey Caesar, can you unbanish my brother?"
and Caesar's all like, "Nah."
And then this happens.
(Conspirator) "For me!"
*dramatic music*
(Caesar) "Et tu, Brute? Then fall Caesar."
*music*
(Red) TRULY A VICTORY FOR THE FORCES OF JUSTICE!
So, yeah! Caesar just got straight-up murdered.
Mark Antony is like, "What."
and Brutus is like, "Antony, Antony,
I know this looks really bad, but I promise we have a good reason.
Right guys?"
And the conspirators, who were, of course, all driven by their jealousy of Caesar,
are like, "Yes. We DO have a good reason.
A GREAT reason. And Brutus will tell you all about it,
once we calm down the panicking commoners."
And Antony is all like, "Cool. Cool. Let's shake on it.
Hey, can I speak to the masses after Brutus?"
and Cassius is like, "No way, you're too well liked."
but Brutus is like, "Sure you can, we've got nothing to worry about!"
and Cassius is like, "Dammit, Brutus!"
Then Brutus goes out to talk to the crowd, and the conspirators leave Mark Antony alone.
(Mark Antony) "Cry 'Havoc!' and let slip the dogs of war."
(Red) Glad to see he's taking it so well.
Oh, also we learn that Caesar Octavius is heading for Rome to deal with the conspirators or something.
I'm sure it's not important.
So Brutus gets to work on his public speaking!
He manages to persuade the angry mob outside the Senate house
that he killed Caesar to keep them all safe from Caesar's overly ambitious nature,
and that Brutus did a good deed.
and the people are like, "Oh, well, when you put it that way, cool."
Mark Antony walks out and he's carrying Caesar's corpse.
So Cassius has told him that he's not allowed to speak well of Caesar,
or ill of the conspirators.
So Mark Antony has found a work-around!
Mark Antony's like, "Hey, guys. Listen up.
So, Caesar's dead! Kind of a bummer, right? Right.
So, we all know how great Brutus is. Brutus? He's a good dude.
And he, he told all y'all Caesar was dangerously ambitious.
I mean, Brutus is a cool dude. All these guys are cool dudes.
They say Caesar was kind of a jerk.
Kind of an ambitious jerk, in fact.
That's cool, that's cool.
They're trustworthy dudes.
'Course, Caesar didn't accept the crown. I mean, trust me, I tried.
Three times. The man was like, allergic to royalty or something.
So, you know, ambitious? Really?"
And the people are like, "Huh."
(Mark Antony) "Not like I'm trying to rile you up or anything."
(Commoners) "No, no, we get it."
(Mark Antony) "It's just if you, ah, feel like any bloody murder, just remember.
You never heard it from me."
(Commoners) "Right, we'll think about it."
(Mark Antony) "Cool."
*cough*
"Also, Caesar left you all money."
*rioting*
(Red) So the angry mob runs off to burn down Brutus' house,
and run the conspirators out of town.
And also kill this completely innocuous dude who just happens to share a name with one of the conspirators.
TRULY A VICTORY FOR THE FORCES OF JUSTICE!
Timeskip, oh yeah!
So it's been a few days, and the conspirators are leading an army to attack the Roman army which is being lead by Mark Antony and Caesar Octavius.
Eh, eh, see that guy? Yeah, remember him? Mentioned him earlier? Yeah.
So, meanwhile in the enemy camp, Brutus and Cassius are having a little lovers spat,
since Cassius accepted bribes to kill Caesar.
Now, just plain killing Caesar is fine, but killing him for money?
So wrong!
But then it turns out that Brutus is really miffed because his wife Portia straight-up killed herself
when they were run out of Rome.
Yay strong female characters?
Oh, also they received word that our heroes have killed a lot of senators,
including Cicero.
You may remember him as this nice-looking old guy from before who had absolutely nothing to do with the conspiracy?
TRULY A VICTORY FOR THE FORCES OF JUSTICE!
Also that guy played Alfred in one of the Batman movies.
So that night, Brutus is visited by the ghost of Caesar
And we all know how well visits from ghostly father figures go for Shakespeare characters.
The ghost is all like, "You're a jerk!"
and Brutus is like, "I know,"
and the ghost is like, "I'll see you tomorrow,"
and Brutus is all like, "Cool."
And then there's a big ol' war and lots of angst and something about bees, I think?
And then Cassius and Brutus both kill themselves.
TRULY A VICTORY FOR THE FORCES OF JUSTICE!
(Viva la Vida - Coldplay)
I used to rule the world. Seas would rise when I gave the word.
Now in the morning I sleep alone. Sweep the streets I used to own.
I used to roll the dice. Feel the fear in my enemies eyes.
Listen as the crowd would sing, "Now the old king is dead. Long live the king."
One minute I held the key. Next the walls were closed on me.
And I discovered that my castles stand upon pillars of salt and pillars of sand.
I hear Jerusalem bells a-ringing. Roman cavalry, choirs are singing.
Be my mirror, my sword and shield. My missionaries in a foreign field.
For some reason I can't explain, once you were gone there was never. Never an honest word.
But that was when I ruled the world.