-Welcome to "The Tonight Show," everyone.
I'm Jimmy Fallon, anchoring hour 30
of NBC's election-night coverage.
Come on. It's 2020.
Did you really think last night would end up wrapped up
with a neat little bow?
Seriously, today, it felt like waking up with a hangover,
then realizing you're still at the bar.
"What time is it?"
What a long, emotional, and confusing ride this has been.
It's like a Matthew McConaughey car commercial that won't end.
Meanwhile, you think you're stressed.
Imagine how President Trump feels.
In two months, he's either getting
inaugurated or incarcerated.
It was a crazy night.
Here's what most people heard
right before they went to bed.
-Too close to call.
-Too close to call. -Too close to call.
-Yeah, the one thing we know for sure is, no more polls.
That's it. Done, okay? No more polls, alright?
From now on, the only time Americans want to hear
about a poll is if they're talking about Santa
or strippers.
♪♪
Yep, today, pollsters saw a different blue wave
right as they were slowly walking into the ocean.
At this point, I'd rather hear predictions from
the guy trying to guess my weight at a carnival.
Pollsters were basically us when we really think
we've nailed a parallel park but then get out of the car
and see we're about 14 feet from the curb.
It's like, "Honey, look out.
You don't want to scrape the bottom of the do--
Oh, actually, well, we could fit a Le Car
between where we parked and where the..."
-Le Car. [ Laughter ]
I knew you'd laugh at "Le Car."
From now on, when you release a poll,
just say both candidates are tied
with a margin of error of 100.
As we speak, some states are still tallying the votes.
Somehow, Chuck E. Cheese can count a million tickets
on the spot, and we still can't count the votes in three days?
I can't take the suspense anymore.
My stress eating has gone from brownies to ice cream
to just pouring raw cake mix down my throat.
Yep, the race is still too close to call.
Apparently, a lot of voters looked at
90,000 COVID cases a day and thought,
"Sure, I can do four more years of this."
Experts still can't believe the race is this tight.
Apparently, people were voting based on which candidate
they want to drink bleach with.
But one of the big stars of the election night
was America's sweetheart
and MSNBC political correspondent Steve Kornacki,
who is on our show this evening.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Guy was working the touch-screen map like a magician.
All night long, he was shown on the "Kornacki Cam."
You see that?
MSNBC basically treated him like
a panda that was about to give birth.
Last night was incredibly tense,
and you could tell the newscasters were feeling it.
Even CNN's graphics guy, who does the banner
at the bottom of the screen, was stressed out.
Take a look at this.
-And when Florida's close, it comes down to the I-4 corridor.
-But a tremendous amount of Democratic vote
are still outstanding at...
-You know, that's nearly 30 points there -- 28 points.
-That puts him at 17,000, 18,000 votes.
-With this wild and different 2020,
mail-in voting, in-person early voting.
If he saw this and, say, it's past midnight...
The question is,
is that just the early votes or are there votes?
Wayne County...
-And they are going to count ballots
that come in postmarked by Election Day.
-It was no longer off the map,
like they thought it was after 2016.
-And, so, what I'm trying to do is
identify where, specifically, in this county...
-He's moving to Belgium.
He's moving to Belgium.
Well, very early this morning, Biden spoke to a drive-in crowd
in Wilmington, Delaware, and he told us that we need patience.
But I'm not sure it's one of America's strengths.
I mean, if a TikTok video isn't fun in the first 3 seconds,
we're like, "Ah, next."
Yeah, we just have to be patient in a country
that literally invented a Domino's tracker
so we know exactly when our pizza will arrive.
Like, "It's in the oven, honey! It's in the oven!
He's almost here! He's almost here!
Honey, wave to him. Make sure he knows it's us."
But this is very interesting.
Joe Biden actually got more votes
than any other candidate in history.
-Wow.
-Yeah.
So, once again, how is this even close?
Meanwhile, Trump spoke from The White House
early this morning, and he seemed upset
that the results weren't immediately called in his favor.
Watch this.
-We were getting ready for a big celebration.
-Oh, yeah. -Yeah.
-We were winning everything.
And, all of a sudden, it was just called off.
Literally, we were just all set to get outside
and just celebrate something that was so beautiful, so good.
-Aww. That's too bad.
I'd hate for the election to get in the way of a good party.
Yeah, Trump also lashed out at the voting process
and made a pretty bold claim.
Take a look at this.
-This is a fraud on the American public.
This is an embarrassment to our country.
We were getting ready to win this election.
Frankly, we did win this election.
-Yeah. If you're keeping track, in the same speech,
Trump claimed the election was a fraud and an embarrassment
and then declared victory.
I don't think we should correct Trump.
Just nod along, put him in a fake White House,
and let him spend the next four years
thinking he's in charge.
Who cares, right?
Well, as you can might expect, Trump has been
tweeting a lot today, and you could tell he's getting worried,
because one of his posts said...
Dude, they're not finding votes.
They're counting them.
Because no one wanted to leave the house
because there's a pandemic!
Gosh!
Trump's getting close to being like,
"Okay, forget about the votes.
Let's measure this thing in retweets."
Oh, and before we go any further,
here's some extremely important election news.
-Voters in New Jersey have passed
a constitutional amendment
legalizing recreational marijuana.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-That's right -- weed is legal in New Jersey.
You just know there's already guy walking around
in a tie-dye track suit.
He's like, "Excuse me.
You guys like, uh...
You guys like Phish?
You like the Phish?
Like the Phish.
May wake up with a fish in your bed. A fish."
♪♪
Listen, when you're home to the Jets and Giants,
you got to make drugs legal.
Now that weed is legal, New Yorkers
driving into New Jersey are gonna go from
rolling their windows up to rolling them down.
It's like, "Ahh!"
And this makes sense.
Once Jersey legalized weed, they also voted to put a Wawa
on their state flag.
So far, legalized weed has been a little rough.
Every time the mob buries a snitch, they forget where.
But if you think legal weed is a big deal,
just listen to what Oregon did.
-Oregon voters passing measure to decriminalize
small amounts of cocaine, heroin, and other drugs.
-I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. A small amount of heroin?
Who is only doing a small amount --
Show of hands -- does anyone know someone
who casually does heroin?
Just a little bit?
"I just do it on the weekends.
Yeah, I do it sometimes when I drink."
I do heroin -- a little bit."
And, finally, earlier today,
Gap tried to send a message of unity over Twitter
by posting a short video of a red-and-blue hoodie
with the caption...
Kind of weird, right?
Trying to bring the country together
when your name is The Gap.