- But we've been together--
my boyfriend and I--
we've been together, like, three years.
We've broken up, like, three times,
but we always get back together, so we're gonna make it,
and that's, like, really promising.
No, it is. It's been good.
He broke up with me once 'cause he kind of, like,
found out I was lying about who I was
in the beginning of our relationship
to kind of trap him into one.
I was like, "I didn't know I wasn't supposed to do that.
Like--but what if I don't like me?"
[laughter]
I really was, like, pretending to be this version of a girl
that he would fall in love with.
You know, I was just walking around like,
"What would Khaleesi do?"
Like, I just-- I didn't know what--
I was like, "He likes that show, I think, you know?"
So I just, like, walked around topless,
got a bunch of lizards.
I didn't think it through, but...
I hid a couple things.
I wasn't lying about who I was.
I kind of put--I feel like I put Spanx on my personality.
Like, I was just, like,
tucking some things in, you know?
Here's a--like-- I don't know.
Like, he's a lot cleaner than I am.
We were getting ready for bed once,
and you know when you're, like, first,
like, hanging out with someone and you start sleeping over,
and your hygiene habits kind of meet up,
and yours are just, like, not really up to snuff?
But you just, like, fake it.
You're just like, "I always brush them this long.
"That's cool, yeah.
"Oh, you get the bottoms? That's neat.
I'll try that. All right."
And then my arm is going numb. He's still going.
I'm just like, "Cool, we're still doing this?"
Like, I get through that.
I'm, like, headed out of the bathroom.
He's like, "You got to floss,"
and I was like, "You got to floss.
What am I doing? Okay, here we go."
I'm just like, just gushing blood,
just like, "What?
"That's not-- this never happens.
"I must have hit something. This is weird.
"This is the first time.
"Both ends are on our period.
Is that not right? Okay."
[laughter]
Don't say that.
So, yeah, he's--
we've been taking showers together recently,
which is, like, mmm, 'cause I just think he, like,
wants me to shower more, so that's cool.
I'll take what I can get, like...
He's like, "Let's get in." I'm like, "Whoo."
He's just, like, scrubbing my back a little too much.
I'm like, "What are you doing?"
And I was like, "Do you want a blow job?"
He's like, "Let's get your feet first."
I'm like, "Okay, all right."
And I was like, "Do you have, like, a foot fetish?"
He's like, "No, you have a foot fungus,
"and you should get this looked at.
It's of concern."
I'm like, "It doesn't scrub off."
[laughter]
But he's, like, a clean freak. You can't compete with that.
Like, he takes up to three showers a week,
and it's like, "We get it, Dr. Oz.
Like, ugh."
But it's been good.
I broke up with him the first time
because we were a year into our relationship,
and he would not say "I love you."
A year in, and I needed to hear it,
'cause my friends told me I did, so that's when you know.
That's really when you know, 'cause I was, like,
trying to be cool about it, like--
'cause friends talk about that, you know, we're just like,
"Did he say 'I love you'? When's he gonna say it?"
And, like, I didn't have anything to tell them.
I was just--just trying to play it cool.
I was like, "I don't need to hear it, you know?
"I just--I know he does.
"Like, the way he, like, high-fives me after sex,
"like, there's no question.
Like, you wouldn't just do that."
[laughter]
They were like, "Okay, well--well, does he--
does he talk about the future at all?"
And I was like, "Yeah, you know, like, flying cars, robots,
"like, climate change.
"We're all worried, so he's no different,
you know?"
Oh, but they were so mad, and so I went back to him.
I was furious too, 'cause that's the thing,
if your girlfriend breaks up with you
out of the blue, for, like-- and you're like,
"Where did this come from?"
It's probably 'cause her friends got together and decided
that they miss her and they want her back.
So...they fill her head with lies and...
send her back to you, and she's just like, "Aah!"
'Cause I was so mad. I was just like,
"Why don't you love me?" you know, like,
in a super lovable tone and just, like,
crying in the street,
and he just didn't want to say it.
He was sweet about it, 'cause he was very calm,
and it was just like-- he was honest, you know?
He was just like, "I can't--I can't say it,"
and I was like, "Okay, well, let's find
"a good speech therapist.
"Like, let's get you in a program.
"Like, honestly, I thought this was feelings for you,
"but clearly it's phonics,
"so this is, like, such a relief.
He really--he-- this is what he did say.
He was like--he was like, "I can't say 'I love you.'"
I was like, "You just did. I'll take it.
"Thank you so much.
You can stop right there. That counts," but...