- Hello, and welcome to The Rank Room.
This is a debate style show where we try to answer
one of life's most important questions.
Today's question is, what is the best use of a time machine?
(rhythmic action music)
Today I'm joined by Ally,
- Get ready.
- Jess,
- Hello.
- And Grant.
- Get hello.
- Grant, would you like to go ahead?
- I would say that the best use
of a time machine is the porn tab.
Now, let me explain what I mean by that.
- Okay.
- So, when I was 12, there was still such a thing
as the family computer.
- Right.
- There was the family computer,
there was my mom's computer.
So, I'm 12 and I'm on the family computer,
and I'm jacking off,
(laughing)
to some pornography.
- Jesus Christ.
- It was a photograph of a young man,
- Mm hmm.
- Shooting his load all over himself.
(laughing)
And, so, I orgasmed.
- You're jacking, okay, alright, I was like.
- I orgasmed.
- All over yourself?
- Yeah, I came all over myself.
All over probably, like,
- Art imitates life. - Art imitates life.
- That's exactly right.
- You were orgasming.
- I was orgasming, and then I, you know,
I took off one of my socks, and wiped it up.
- Jesus, I don't want sons.
- Absolutely, don't want sons. - Yeah, none.
- No, you don't. They'll spray your house like a cat.
- My sons are only wearing flip-flops.
- Yeah, My sons are not allowed socks.
(laughing)
- After I was done,
and I was in my, you know, euphoria, I walked away.
Hours went by, and I got on my mom's computer,
'cause she had a fun game on there that I wanted to play.
My sister walks in, she sees me
on my mom's computer, leaves.
Couple more hours go by.
Now I'm upstairs in my bedroom and I hear,
"Grant, can you come down here, please?"
I walk down to the basement, and there on the screen
is a young man, nutting all over himself.
And there in the room is my mom, my dad, and my sister.
- No.
- Who should've been sent out of the room,
she was too young.
- [Ally] Yes. - Yeah!
- And my mom says, "do you know what this is?"
And I had plausible deniability.
I said, "No, I wasn't, I was on your computer,
"Sarah saw me."
And Sarah, my sister, says, "Yeah, I did, that's true."
And then my dad, God bless him, said,
"Well, that's just how the internet is these days."
Which isn't true.
- Like it was a pop-up?
- [Grant] Like it was a pop-up.
- Because I've used that before.
- If you're a parent watching this,
that's never how the internet has worked.
I think the best use of a time machine
would be going back in time and closing that tab.
- Great. - Yeah.
- Maybe your biggest regret, it feels like.
- Yeah, definitely.
(air whooshing)
- Jess, would you like to go ahead?
- Yes.
I have, end of the party.
So, parties, I like getting dressed up for them.
- Yes, so fun.
- And I like coming home and sitting on my couch
and watching television after them.
- Mm hmm.
- I don't enjoy the middle party part.
- Oh! - So you don't like the party.
- I don't like parties.
(laughing)
But, I like being asked.
- Small talk sucks. - Yeah.
- That's what it is, it's that, like,
- How's work?
- I forget everything that I've ever done in my life,
or just, it's a constant reminder of what little I'm doing,
how little is going on.
I always feel like I'm the person at the party
that no one wants to talk to.
- Jess, I've been to parties with you.
- [Ally] Yeah!
- Have you hated every minute of it?
- Yes!
But I do like an occasion to get dressed up.
I also can't just live my life just wearing sweatpants.
(laughing) - Yes.
- I really thought you were gonna say,
end of the party, you would use a time machine
to go back and do it all over again.
- Absolutely not. - The opposite.
- And you meant, it's a fast forward
to the end of the party. - [Grant] Skip the party.
- Yes, this is for me, the perfect use of a time machine.
Because, I'm the same exact way, I love getting dressed up,
and I love the thought that, yes, I've been to a party,
but I hate doing it, it's miserable.
- I'll put it in my calendar, I'll buy a dress,
but once I'm there, I'm like, what have I done?
(laughing)
- I have news for you two,
it's called getting blackout drunk immediately.
(snapping)
And you pretty much get this.
(air whooshing)
- Ally.
- Okay.
I think the perfect use for a time machine
(gasping)
- Hitler. - Hitler.
- Sorry, for ruining that for you.
(sputtering laughing)
- No, I think everyone was able to read it.
- You ruined Hitler!
- My thought is, use a time machine, you go back in time,
Hitler is in full power.
And you get there.
- That's when you get there?
- That's when you get their full powers.
(laughing) No!
Okay, no, early on,
(laughing)
- Like, 80% of the way through.
- Oh, my.
- Okay, so, uh, yikes!
Times a thousand. - Sure.
- Okay, Hitler's a teen, making art or something.
But, anyway, okay, we're not even to my part yet.
- Okay.
- Hitler's a squeaky teen,
and hasn't killed anyone or hurt anyone,
and you get there, and guess who else is there?
Some dude who's a barista
and says his favorite interests
are whiskey and Old Crow Medicine Show.
(laughing) - Oh, fuck.
- That guy, who every time you talk about a time machine,
goes, "I would go back and kill Hitler."
That guy's there, 'cause that's what he's doing.
- Ooh. - I have used my time machine
to go back and kill him. - Ohh!
- Before kills Hitler, because the butterfly effect is real.
- [Jess] I love that.
- And do you know what kind of
chain of reactions that would set off?
No.
Sorry, Brian, or Jesse, or Mika,
but I'm here to kill you.
- [Katie] Yeah.
- So, before, when I stopped you, and I said,
you're like 80% of the way through, you want him,
- And the thought out of that was that a lot of people
would die in concentration camps would happen,
and then I like weirdly backpedaled, but,
still, the bottom line is that those things happen.
- It turns out that wasn't enough
concentration camp for you.
You wanted more concentration camp.
- Fuck you. (laughing)
Don't do this to me. - Is, what I heard.
- So you're gonna kill, basically, you want to kill
people who are against Hitler.
- I would like everyone to know that for the show
we submit four answers, (all laughing)
two of them were chosen for us,
and mine were written on a layover in Detroit,
and I was not expecting this to get picked.
So, yes, I want Hitler to reign full power, I want that.
- What is your beef with people
who want to go back in time and kill Hitler?
- I think it's the most tired answer.
- I agree.
- I think that's true. - I agree.
- [Ally] And that's why I'm sick of being at the party.
I want to start going to parties,
and when someone is boring, go,
"I'm sorry, but I'm very bored."
And then I want to walk away. - [Katie] Yes.
- [Ally] That's the life I want to lead.
- Can I do one thing?
Jesse, do you remember what one of my answers was?
Go back in time and kill Hitler?
- No it wasn't! (laughing)
(all talking over each other) - Basic ass bitch.
- You know it, ah!
- And his name is fucking Grant,
in a restaurant in New York.
- I also love Old Crow Medicine Show.
(laughing sharply)
(air whooshing)
- When you think of Katie Marovitch,
what word comes to mind?
- Sexual.
- Regal.
- Sexu-regal.
- Ooh, yeah.
- Anastasia, is what I was going for.
- Anastasia? - Very sexu-regal.
- Yeah, actually, yes. - Yes!
- [Grant] Meh.
- Wow. - Wow.
- We were right.
- Anyway, - Moving on, tutorial.
- Anastasia was the youngest daughter in the Romanov family,
and they were the last monarchy of Russia.
I am obsessed with Anastasia. - Mm-hmm.
- And I have a very strange fantasy,
which is that I am a descendant of hers.
(quiet gasping)
And that one day, I'll be able to,
I'm about to get murdered, and then I say,
(laughing)
"I am the remaining Romanov,
"and I am the heir to the throne of Russia."
And then, I get to use the power, and take over the country.
For me, personally, the best use of a time machine,
is to go back in time, and save little Anastasia.
She shouldn't have died.
She was a teen, it was very sad, she was shot to death.
- Mmm.
- Anyway, I would save her, I would put her in hiding,
and then, around the time when the movie came out,
(all laughing)
- And I'd show her the movie, 'cause it's so cool.
- It's so cool.
- Hold up, around the time the movie came out,
I'd reveal her to the world, and she'd be a old woman,
but it would be satisfying, for me.
(laughing)
- Wait! - What?
Yes.
- I love thinking of you as a little girl,
and like, this is your fantasy.
- It's still my fantasy.
(air whooshing)
- Excellent, Grant, would you like to go again?
- I'd love to. (hands imitating drum roll on table)
I would say that the best use of a time machine
is go to the end of the world.
- Hmmm, yes. - [Ally] Love it.
- I do really like that.
- Just to see.
- How scary, if you were in front of a time machine,
and you saw it only went to a certain year.
(all gasping) - Ahh!
- [All] Ohhh!
- I don't even know, would you really
be like, then, take me there?
Like, what? - Ohhh.
Wow, that's great. - Yeah, that's scary.
- That's fascinating.
- Ohh.
And I'm imagining, the end of the world,
as being, you know, when the sun swallows us up.
- Yes. - Mmm, whoa.
- You think we'll still be around?
- No, 'cause we, the sun will be too close at that point.
Yeah, I'm rethinking that, yeah.
- No, I think, well, I'll let you finish.
- Well, I'm just like, what I really am interested in,
'cause I don't really care about the geology of it,
but the end of humanity. (laughing)
I want to see how it wraps up.
I'm very, like, I'm very curious.
- I honestly, yes, so curious about that.
- I mean, it might happen in the next couple months.
- It's gonna happen, but, might as well be there.
I totally agree. - No way.
- But the thing is, if you're,
if you have the time machine now,
you can still go to see the end of the world,
'cause that would still be fascinating,
- it doesn't matter. - Like a movie.
- It doesn't matter if there are people or not,
like it would still, I think it would
be fascinating to see the sun swallow.
- I guess if you were protected in the time machine.
- I think humanity will kill itself way before the sun can.
- I think you're right. - Whoa!
- I think the planet will be gone before the sun,
I think we as a species, will destroy one another,
way before. - I don't think so!
I don't think so.
- Let's bet on it. - Okay.
(laughing)
(air whooshing)
- Jess.
- Next one is, Philip Seymour Hoffman.
- Aw!
- Like most young girls, I had a huge crush
on Philip Seymour Hoffman. - What!
- I thought he was so sexy.
- Dude, he looks like a band-aid.
- No, I love, (laughing)
- Looked like a band-aid.
- I would see every movie he was in,
I thought he was so sexy, I'd watch him over and over again,
I watched Capote like 20 times.
- He was an amazing actor, but he was not hot.
- He's very hot. - What!?
What the fuck is going on?
- I went to New York and saw a play
because he was in it, it was called Jack Goes Boating.
I genuinely thought if we met, we would hit it off.
- Oh, no!
- He was so old!
- I like, waited after that show, to meet him.
(laughing)
- Oh, wait, Jess, this is so cute.
- That's adorable.
That's adorable.
- So, I would use my time machine to go back
and give us the shot that we never had.
I would figure out where he was,
- Turns out he gave himself the shot.
- No, stop! - No, you fucker!
- My love would have saved him.
- The heroin epidemic is real.
- It's very serious. - It is serious.
- Your love would have saved him?
- My love would have saved him.
- Sure. - Oh, boy.
- Your love would have saved him.
- Wait, what would you have done?
- Hmm. (laughing)
- Should we role play?
Should I be, I'll be Philip Seymour Hoffman.
- Yeah! - No, I'm worried about this.
- Yeah, go ahead, do that.
- So, I'm, - Hi.
(laughing)
I'm doing him as Capote, I'm doing Phil Hoffman as Capote.
(sneering)
(laughing)
- You lack all of everything he has.
(screaming)
- Whoa!
(air whooshing)
- Ally, why don't you go ahead?
- Uh, great, okay, so, my next idea
for the best use of a time machine is,
freaky queer middle school dance.
(gasping)
- [Katie] Yes. - Ohh.
- I spent my middle school years completely confused.
(laughing)
Not quite sure what was going on,
my first middle school dance,
no one I was interested in I could dance with.
It just felt like I had been air dropped
into like an upside down world, of like, learning the rules.
So, I would use my time machine
to go back in time, to when I was, like, 12.
And you were busting it in your mom's basement.
(laughing)
I would go collect all my queer friends from now,
wherever they are. - 12 year old versions?
- And I would invite all of us, in our 12 year old versions,
- Aww! - Oh, my god.
- To one big dance, and it would be like,
we would all have that first dance experience
but, it would be all queers.
- I love this! - I love this.
- Yeah. Like, you would get a letter in the mail
inviting you to this dance, it would, like, Hogwarts style,
(laughing)
I would dress up as an owl. - [Jess] Oh, my god!
- I wouldn't be able to go back young,
so I would have to look like this.
(laughing)
It would just be me.
- Come to this dance!
- You wouldn't get to be young there?
- I don't know how a time machine works!
Can I put the time machine on me?
- I think you need to be young,
you can't be a grown woman going to 12 year olds,
just come in this warehouse. - I mean, I'm aware, yeah.
If I dressed like an owl, I think it's fine.
- And, I think you'd just invite
your younger self to this party.
- Aah, cute!
Oh, that's very cute.
I would be in a puka shell necklace,
and a Marine Corps. shirt that says,
"Don't even think about a leash."
'Cause I was very obsessed with the Marines.
(quiet laughing)
- If I may, though.
Imagine you are your 12 year old self,
and somebody invites you to a freaky,
queer middle school dance.
- Look, I'm not gonna advertise it like this.
- I want to know, how many queer kids
would actually come to that.
- No, I would make them.
I mean, I already used this time machine,
I'm going to kidnap everyone that I'm now friends with,
- Forced them, - dressed as an owl,
I'm gonna be in a Corvette,
I'm gonna go and I'm gonna get them,
- Yeah, - [Jess] On the plane?
- I'm dressed as an owl, Grant.
Kid friendly. - So, that's,
that's not a middle school dance.
- I don't think you understand,
how the owl makes all of this okay.
- You want to take a bunch of 12 year olds
to an adult queer dance party.
- No, no, no!
I want to make a middle school looking dance,
and invite all of them.
But I know everyone lives around the country,
so I'm gonna have to, y'know,
spend a lot of money to get them all there, but I'll do it.
- Yes, and you don't have to advertise it,
- And I'll do it by any means necessary, Grant.
- You could just do this.
Like, you don't really need a time machine,
you could just have this party.
- No! - She wants to be the first!
- I want all, like, us, when we were young.
- The 12 year old versions of us!
You don't have to pretend to go with somebody anymore.
- You would've hated me when I was 12.
- I know that. - Yes.
(laughing)
- I would've been unbearable.
- Me at 12 was crazy. - [Katie] Aww.
- I just remember how tight my pants were.
- Yes!
I had the same thing, I wore a lot of peasant tops.
- They were so tight, I had like,
a little camel toe all the time.
(laughing)
- Ew, why did you say that so hot?
(loudly laughing) - That was so exactly,
(all yelling simultaneously)
- I like, had a little camel toe.
- You are freaking me out today!
- Who are you anymore?
(laughing)
- I had a little camel toe.
(laughing)
- I like, had a little camel toe.
- I need you to stop.
- I can't help it, I'm a sexual person.
- I need everyone to clear out of here while I jerk it.
(laughing)
(air whooshing)
- Here's my idea.
Fertility drugs.
What's something you guys know about me?
- You have a dog.
- You have lupus.
- Okay. - You love Anastasia.
- Yes, thank you.
I was gonna say, I have always wanted
to be a twin, an identical twin.
- Oh!
- Was I supposed to guess that?
(all laughing)
- Was I supposed to guess that?
(laughing)
- Anyway.
This is my plan:
I would go back to time, to when I was being conceived.
(laughing)
- [Ally] Jesus Christ.
- And I would sneak fertility pills into my mom's food.
- Vagina. - Oh, god, it's worse!
- Into my mom's vagina!
- I would drug my mom,
so that when I was conceived, I'd be multiples.
I'd be an octuplet, I'd be one of eight.
- One of eight?
- Yes.
(laughing) - What is this, a play?
- One of eight?
- No more!
- Here's the thing, this would solve
so many problems for me, because, let me tell you.
I would have identical siblings,
they'd all look like me, I've always wanted this.
Number two, my family would be given a reality TV show,
because we're octuplets, and that's wild.
- I will say,
- We would make a lot of money.
- I think Octomom had had different looking children, right?
- No, but, - Were any of them twins?
- Mine would, I'd be all twin.
- How could you control this?
- I don't know if you can do that.
- I'd be all twin. - Okay!
- Can I ask a question about your mom's body?
- Absolutely not, and that is serious.
- I truly feel like someone just choked me.
(laughing loudly)
- She brought it up.
I just, I mean, you, - She told you no.
(laughing)
- Yeah, my god, Grant.
- I said no.
- Time's up on whatever that question was.
- Time's up.
- But, eight kids will ruin your body, is that your point?
- Was that what you were gonna say?
- [Ally] 'Cause that is a lot.
- Well, what I was going to ask, and this isn't me asking,
- I'm gonna kill you.
(laughing loudly)
- You are someone petite.
And I would imagine that your mother
is probably also someone petite,
- Yes.
- carrying eight babies to term,
- Yeah, scary.
- You could kill your mother.
(air whooshing)
Fantastic job.
Now it is time to eliminate, and then I will rank.
Grant, I'm gonna turn to you first.
Which of these eight do you want to see in the top three?
(sighing)
- One of the greatest actors of our generation,
- (gasping) Oh, my god!
is Philip Seymour Hoffman.
- Yes.
- A real tragic loss for art in general.
- Is this what you're choosing?
- I'm gonna choose Philip Seymour Hoffman.
- Jess?
- I have to go with freaky queer middle school dance,
- Yes, of course.
- as the most beautiful one, besides Philip.
- Ally?
- It's hard, I do really like Anastasia,
because I know how important that is
to a lot of people I know. - So important.
- But I unfortunately have to go with end of the world.
I would love to see how long the world goes,
I would love to believe that it's so far in the future,
like, the good, the force of good in the world
has kept it afloat for a really long time,
but also it could be 2028.
- Perfect.
At this time I will now invite you
to dramatically throw away your cards.
(paper ripping)
- No, don't rip it.
- Oh, sorry.
Do we need it? - It's too late.
- Too much drama. - It's too late, too late.
In third place, we have Philip Seymour Hoffman.
- [Ally] Ooh.
- I like it, but it is very personal to you.
In second place, we have end of the world.
- [Ally] Ooh.
- And in first place, we have what I think is
the nicest idea, and also, I hope it happens,
freaky queer middle school dance.
- Woo!
- Yeah. - Yay!
- Well, this has been The Rank Room.
If you have any suggestions,
or questions that you need answered,
please leave them in the comments.
Bye!
- Goodbye.
- Goodbye!