WELCOME, DOWN HERE, UP THERE.
WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, FRIENDS AND NEIGHBORS.
WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
AND I JUST WANT TO START OUT--
THAT IS NICE.
THAT IS SO PLEASANT.
NOTHING LUKE A FRIDAY CROWD.
>> Jon: FRIDAY CROWD.
>> Stephen: NOTHING LIKE A FRIDAY CROWD.
OH, HAPPY FRIDAY, EVERYBODY!
TAKE IT, TAKE IT AND RUN.
THE NEWS OUT OF UKRAINE IS STILL PRETTY BAD, AND IT'S CHANGING
BY THE MINUTE.
SO TONIGHT, WE THOUGHT WE'D TAKE A BREAK FROM TALKING ABOUT
THE WAR, BECAUSE IT'S FRIDAY.
AND IT'S TOTALLY NOT BECAUSE WE TAPED THIS YESTERDAY.
( LAUGHTER )
OUTFIT OUT OF SOLIDARITY WITH ME... YESTERDAY.
SO, LET'S START THIS TOTAL FRIDAY SHOW OUT RIGHT WITH TWO
PHRASES YOU DON'T OFTEN HEAR IN THE SAME SENTENCE: "GOOD NEWS"
"PULMONARY DISEASE."
BUT, IT TURNS OUT, THERE'S A BIT OF GOOD NEWS ABOUT COVID!
ACROSS THE COUNTRY, NEW CASES HAVE PLUMMETED TO THEIR LOWEST
LEVELS SINCE SEPTEMBER.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
COME ON!
I'LL TAKE IT.
WHICH SEPTEMBER?
NO WAY OF KNOWING.
( LAUGHTER )
WORKING FROM HOME, EMPLOYERS ARE NOW SAYING THAT RETURN-TO-OFFICE
PLANS ARE REAL THIS TIME.
HERE IN NEW YORK, MAYOR ERIC ADAMS TOOK A STRONG
RETURN-TO-WORK STANCE, SAYING, "YOU CAN'T STAY HOME IN YOUR
PAJAMAS ALL DAY."
RIGHT YOU ARE, MAYOR ADAMS.
WHEN I WORK FROM HOME, I WEAR NOTHING ALL DAY.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I JUST-- FREE AND EASY.
I JUST PUT A LITTLE VASELINE OVER THE LENS.
EVERYTHING LOOKS GREAT.
YOU'VE NEVER-- OH, YOU'VE NEVER DONE IT!
UNFORTUNATELY, GETTING FOLKS BACK TO THE OFFICE MIGHT NOT BE
THAT EASY, BECAUSE MOST REMOTE WORKERS DON'T WANT TO GO BACK
TO THE OFFICE.
WELL, THERE'S NO SURPRISE THERE.
PEOPLE DON'T WANT TO BE TORN AWAY FROM THEIR LOVED ONES, BY
WHICH I MEAN THEIR WET BAR.
I KNOW I DON'T.
LUCKILY, TODAY IS "BRING YOUR BOURBON TO WORK DAY."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
MMM.
OH!
OH.
YOU... YOU MAKE DADDY SO PROUD.
( LAUGHTER )
NOW, THIS STORY ABOUT NOT GOING BACK TO WORK WAS SENT TO ME,
LIKE MANY OF OUR STORIES, FROM OUR NEWS PRODUCER AND HEAD
RESEARCHER, BRANDON.
AND IT SEEMS A LITTLE PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE OF BRANDON, SINCE THE
FULL HEADLINE HE SENT ME WAS, "EMPLOYERS TAKE NOTE: MOST
REMOTE WORKERS DON'T WANT TO GO BACK TO THE OFFICE."
SUBTLE, BRANDON.
SUBTLE.
THAT, OF COURSE, CAME ALONGSIDE THE HEADLINES, "STUDY SAYS HEAD
RESEARCHERS UNDERPAID," AND "CRISIS IN THE BREAK ROOM: WE'VE
RUN OUT OF PRINGLES."
"BRANDON DENIED FAVORITE SNACK."
UP IN CANADA, POLICE FINALLY DISBANDED THE ANTI-VACCINE
TRUCKER PROTESTS THIS WEEK.
AND SO FAR, IT IS NOT GOING WELL FOR THE CANADIANS WHO GOT
ARRESTED.
IN A BAIL HEARING, THE HUSBAND OF ONE OF THE PROTEST ORGANIZERS
TOLD THE CANADIAN COURT, "HONESTLY?
I THOUGHT IT WAS A PEACEFUL PROTEST, AND BASED ON MY FIRST
AMENDMENT, I THOUGHT THAT WAS PART OF OUR RIGHTS."
TO WHICH THE CANADIAN JUDGE RESPONDED, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
'FIRST AMENDMENT'?
( LAUGHTER )
YEAH, YOU'RE A CANADIAN!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THERE!
THAT WAY, RIGHT?
CANADIANS AREN'T PROTECTED BY THE U.S. CONSTITUTION!
I'M PRETTY SURE CANADA'S FOUNDING FATHERS WERE GORDON
LIGHTFOOT AND A VERY OPINIONATED BOWL OF POUTINE.
( LAUGHTER )
CANADIAN CONSTITUTION DOES HAVE A FIRST AMENDMENT, BUT THEIRS
ISN'T ABOUT FREEDOM OF SPEECH.
IT ESTABLISHED THE PROVINCE OF MANITOBA.
BUT WHO KNOWS?
MAYBE THE PROTESTER KNEW THAT: "YOUR HONOR, IT IS MY
CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT TO BE DECLARED CANADA'S FIFTH MOST
POPULOUS PROVINCE.
I DEMAND TO BE BORDERED BY ONTARIO TO THE EAST AND
SASKATCHEWAN TO THE WEST!
GIVE ME GRAIN FARMING IN THE PEMBINNA VALLEY OR GIVE ME
DEATH!"
( APPLAUSE )
PEM-BIN-A?
DON'T KNOW.
UNFORTUNATELY, IT LOOKS LIKE THE STUPID IS DRIVING SOUTH, BECAUSE
SEVERAL TRUCKER CONVOYS ARE PLANNED TO HIT WASHINGTON, D.C.
BUT IT'S A LITTLE LATE, FELLAS, BECAUSE ALL STATES BUT ONE ARE
DROPPING THEIR MASK MANDATES, WITH THE ONLY HOLDOUT BEING
HAWAII.
YOU HEAR THAT, TRUCKERS?
IF YOU REALLY BELIEVE IN WHAT YOU'RE PROTESTING, YOU'D
BETTER DRIVE TO HAWAII.
HERE'S HOW YOU DO IT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HERE'S ALL YOU DO.
HERE'S WHAT YOU DO.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
♪ ♪ ♪ GO NORTH UP THE PACIFIC COAST
HIGHWAY, AND TAKE A HARD LEFT.
( LAUGHTER )
DOWN TO TRUCK IT HAVE A LOT LESS TO TRUCK AROUND THESE DAS.
I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT THE ONGOING SUPPLY CHAIN ISSUES IN
TONIGHT'S "CARGO UNCHAINED: COOKIES, GAMES, AND DEATH
EDITION."
>> FUN!
SAD!
>> Stephen: FIRST UP, I HOPE YOU'RE NOT HUNGRY, BECAUSE
SUPPLY CHAIN PROBLEMS HAVE HIT THE GIRL SCOUT COOKIE PROGRAM.
THIS IS THE BIGGEST CRISIS TO HIT THE COOKIE INDUSTRY SINCE
DEFORESTATION BROUGHT DOWN THE KEEBLER TREE.
( LAUGHTER )
SAID SHE ENCOURAGES PEOPLE LOOKING FOR A SPECIFIC COOKIE TO
HIT THE BOOTHS QUICKLY TO ENSURE THEY CAN GET THEIR FAVORITES.
OKAY, GET THERE EARLY.
EITHER THAT, OR THEY'RE GOING TO NEED TO HIT THE BLACK MARKET.
"PSST, I HEAR YOU'VE GOT THE HOOKUP.
WHAT?
NO, I GOT PLENTY OF WEED.
THAT'S WHY I NEED FIVE BAGS OF TAGALONGS."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
SPORTS, BECAUSE THERE'S WIDESPREAD SHORTAGES OF BASEBALL
GEAR SUCH AS HELMETS, GLOVES AND CLEATS.
SO, YOU CAN TOTALLY STILL PLAY BASEBALL, AS LONG AS YOU DON'T
RUN, CATCH, OR GO ANYWHERE NEAR THE BALL-- WHICH WAS THE
FIELDING STRATEGY FOR THIS KID.
HANG IN THERE, BUDDY!
ONE DAY, "DUNGEONS & DRAGONS" WILL BE COOL!
IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
TO DEATH, YOU MIGHT WANT TO THINK TWICE BEFORE YOU KICK THE
BUCKET, BECAUSE SUPPLY CHAIN ISSUES ARE ALSO HITTING
HEADSTONE MAKERS.
SO, IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR A TOMBSTONE, YOU MIGHT HAVE TO
STOP BY A SPIRIT HALLOWEEN.
( LAUGHTER )
THERE'S NEW BAD HOLLYWOOD NEWS, AND IT'S NOT JUST THAT CHANNING
TATUM IS IN THAT NEW DOG MOVIE AND HIS SHIRT STAYS ON THE WHOLE
TIME.
THE ACADEMY-- THE ACADEMY AWARD HAS JUST ANNOUNCED THAT EIGHT
OSCAR CATEGORIES, INCLUDING ORIGINAL SCORE,
PRODUCTION DESIGN, AND FILM EDITING, WON'T BE TELECAST LIVE
THIS YEAR, BUT WILL INSTEAD BE RECORDED AND WILL THEN BE EDITED
INTO THE SUBSEQUENT LIVE BROADCAST.
SO, TO RECAP: THEY'RE GOING TO DISRESPECT EDITORS, AND THEN ASK
A BUNCH OF EDITORS TO EDIT AN EDITOR'S SPEECH INTO THE
BROADCAST.
AND THE OSCAR FOR BEST DRAMA GOES TO...
WHOEVER THOUGHT OF THAT.
( LAUGHTER )
TIME FROM THE SHOW, IT SHOULDN'T COME OUT OF THE SPEECHES OF OUR
INDUSTRY'S HARD-WORKING CRAFTSMEN.
IT SHOULD COME OUT OF EVERYONE'S SPEECHES.
OKAY, YOU GET 10 SECONDS ON THE CLOCK FOR EVERYBODY.
YOU CAN THANK GOD OR YOUR FAMILY, BUT NOT BOTH.
AND IF YOU GO ONE SECOND LONGER, YOU GET TACKLED BY SHREK.
HE NEEDS THE WORK.
ELSEWHERE IN THE SHOW BIZ THAT WE CALL "THE INDUSTRY," THERE'S
BIG NEWS FOR FANS OF READING ABOUT MUSIC, BECAUSE BRITNEY
SPEARS HAS SIGNED A BOOK DEAL.
THAT'S RIGHT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT'S BRITNEY, BOOK!
( LAUGHTER )
WHETHER THAT WOULD SELL.
I WAS WONDERING IF THAT JOKE WOULD SELL, BUT IT DID.
DID I SELL IT?
>> Jon: YEAH!
>> Stephen: WE DON'T HAVE MANY DETAILS, JUST THAT IT'S A
TELL-ALL MEMOIR, AND THE DEAL IS REPORTEDLY WORTH $15 MILLION.
THAT'S A LOT OF MONEY!
SHE'LL FINALLY HAVE ENOUGH TO BUY MIDDLES FOR HER SHIRTS.
( LAUGHTER )
"ONE OF THE BIGGEST OF ALL TIME, BEHIND THE OBAMAS."
WELL, THEIR BOOKS ACTUALLY DO HAVE A LOT IN COMMON.
AFTER ALL, THE WORKING TITLE FOR BRITNEY'S MEMOIR IS "DREAMS OF
GETTING AWAY FROM MY FATHER."
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE SAM WATERSTON AND SOPHIA BUSH.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, FOLKS, IT'S JON OLIVER AND
PUPPIES!
LITTLE PUPPIES!