[ Drums playing ]
-Yo. My pee-pee's in there.
♪♪
I'm a big boy now.
[ Drums playing ]
This tattoo made me say "owie."
♪♪
I'm not supposed to drink, but...
I do.
♪♪
Yo. My pee-pee's in there.
♪♪
My Calvins.
♪♪
[ Indistinct conversations ]
-Aaaah! -Whoa!
♪♪
Are my muscles cute?
♪♪
Think fast.
Oh!
♪♪
[ Sniffs ]
Ugh! [ Coughs ]
♪♪
[ Crying ]
Yo, all this underwear is making me tired.
♪♪
My Calvins -- clothes for my big wiener.
♪♪
[ Wheels squeaking ]
Hey, girl. Miss me?
I just had a nappy, yo.
♪♪
Aaaaah!
-No.
♪♪
-Ooh!
Bieber!
Believe it, baby.
Aaaaah!
[ Gasps ]
I don't want to wear this underwear no more.
My Kevins.
-Calvins. -Kevins.
-Calvins. -My Calvins.
♪♪
[ Gasping ]
Aaaah!
-Our final guest tonight is at the center
of a much stranger scandal.
He's accused of throwing eggs at his neighbor's house,
causing $20,000 in damages -- pop star Justin Bieber.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Yeah. You know.
-Now, Justin...
Justin, why on earth would you throw eggs
at your neighbor's house?
-Um...it's, like, a -- It's a tradition in Canada.
-Throwing eggs?
-I mean, no.
Like, I thought my neighbor was a chicken, right?
So I was just returning his kids.
-I'm sorry. You were what?
Justin -- Justin, I don't understand what that means.
-No, I mean -- No, I was trying to
make him breakfast in bed, right?
But the eggs wouldn't go through the walls.
Boom!
-Justin, how old are you?
-Um...I think I'm 40.
Maybe I'm 5.
I don't know. My brain is broken.
Look, look, I would just like to apologize to the eggs.
The yolk's on me, baby.
-Actually, there is one more photo, sir,
that we think will be huge, if you're up for it.
-Yeah. We want you to kiss Justin Bieber on the lips.
-Excuse me?! No way.
-Sir, let me tell you a story.
I recently met a 10-year-old girl in St. Louis
who has no health insurance.
But she has a heart of gold.
It's a rare and horrible condition.
Her heart is made of gold. -Okay.
-She needs healthcare, Mr. President.
-Alright, alright. Fine. Let's do it.
-Alright, great! Come on in, Justin.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-I guess I'll kiss the president.
President probably doesn't want to kiss me.
Who'd want to kiss this stupid old face?
-[ Sighs ] -Come on, man.
-Alright. Okay. Alright. -Alright, alright, alright.
[ Camera shutter clicks ]
-Oh, my God. That was beautiful.
-Sir, you made history. -You think so?
-The three Wise Men gave their gifts to Baby G.
But there wouldn't be a Baby G
without Joseph and his Queen B, Mary,
the original teen mom,
who don't need no sex to make a child.
Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for
Justin Bieber and the virgin Mary, Beyoncé.
[ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪
-Yo.
I'm sorry you had to give birth out here,
where all the amnimals live.
I couldn't afford a hotel room because I'm, like,
a poor carpenter or something.
I don't know.
You deserve better than this, Beyoncé.
-"The Adventures of Tom Sawyer"
are about this person's adventures.
[ Beep ]
-Um, I don't know nothing about Tom Sawyer.
-Then don't buzz in, okay? No one has to buzz in.
-Uh, but I know adventures, and I want you to
come with me on my next one, girl.
[ Buzzer ]
-I'm not a girl. I have a mustache on my face.
-If you're the one who gets knocked down,
I will count to 10 very slowly and try to drag this fight out.
I may repeat the number 6 several times.
I might also make up the number normth.
During that time, Justin Bieber will be allowed in the ring,
and he will do a very condescending dance
in your direction.
Are you ready, Justin?
-Yo.
I was born ready, yo.
I was also born premature.
-Let's play a game. Give me Gisele. Give me Justin.
Let's get on up here. ♪♪
Alright. -Hey, girl.
Uh, how you doin'?
-Uh, Justin, I got some bad news for you, playa.
That don't work on women that's grown.
Yeah. Alright. Top-six answers on the board.
The Super Bowl is Sunday.
Name one thing that you would take to a party.
[ Beeping ] Gisele.
-Cachaça and caipirinhas.
-What you say about Sasha and Malia?
-No. No.
I said "cachaça and caipirinhas."
They're drinks. Tudo bem?
-You know, I don't know what you're saying,
but you look good saying it.
Show me goulashes and capers.
[ Buzzer ]
No, I'm sorry. It ain't up there.
Uh, Justin, what'd you bring to a party?
-Um, Steve, I don't party as much, 'cause I'm a man now.
I got like five little mustache hairs.
And I'm bringing 'em all for you, girl.
But when I do party, I'm gonna bring my signature cocktail.
-Oh, I know exactly what you're talking about.
Show me juice box.
[ Ding ] Hey!
Number-6 answer.
Okay, the Falcon fans have the board.
♪♪