Happy Valentine's Day!
Came around again.
And you're still single.
Or perhaps you're like me
and you're finding yourself single
for the first time in three years.
*thinks about life choices*
*sobs*
So at this time of the year you're probably feeling just
a little bit fragile,
you know? You're wondering
Is it me?
Am I the problem?
Am I the joke?
Well, if that's the case
then it is.
Do I have the treat for you!
Today
We're gonna make a salad,
get some goodness to counteract all the evil
that's... stewing in your heart.
First off
lettuce!
I would've made this video two weeks ago
but my country ran out of lettuce.
I'll let that sink in.
So first off, with lettuce you could go one of two routes:
you could go the nice, beautiful way
or you could just love the fact that this looks
like a really disturbed vagina.
Or maybe I just have a strange vagina.
You don't need to wash the leaves,
alright?
Just let the dark
enter your soul.
Let the pesticides consume you
so that you end up getting closer to death.
Just arrange them
into a really cute flower.
Even though you're the only one that's gonna see it
because you're alone.
Add some more
in the middle.
Make it a mess!
Like your entire life.
So right now you have a pretty successful looking flower!
Actually, I'm quite impressed.
*laughs* It wasn't supposed to go well.
Next off,
you're gonna need some of these bad boys.
Well, really you can add as many or as few as you'd like.
We could even dedicate one to each of your failed relationships.
One for me,
one for my ex!
One for me,
one for the guy who took my virginity on good Friday
and then dumped me two days later.
We'll just go with two.
Next off we have cucumbers
'cause what kind of salad would it be
without a nice, big...
It's too easy, isn't it? It's too easy.
Once you've gone through little tiny ones
you finally find yourself a big one.
Or two.
I'll save that for later.
It's time to start chopping!
Now, if you're a child, don't do this at home, okay?
You just-- Let's just put the salad to one side
and as a first off
you just wanna lay your cucumber down
and then CHOP it.
Oh good! My landlord's gonna kill me.
Just sprinkle the slices of cucumber
all over your salad. You know, doesn't really matter
if it's still in the plastic
keep it wrapped.
That's my advice from me to you.
Sure, put some little dicks on there. Sure, why not. Fuck it.
Next off is the vegetable that ruins everyone's day.
I don't understand anyone who likes carrot. They're fucking disgusting.
Now really the trick with carrots
or at least grating carrots
is you just have to do it in the same motion,
at the same speed,
with the same pressure.
Okay?
That way you get nice, even-grated bits.
So you just wanna take your carrot--
don't worry about washing it!
Closer to death.
And then just swipe left.
Ooooo, that was nearly my finger!
Just
keep swiping to the left.
Just keep... keep swiping.
Just--
every single time.
Just swipe!
Just keep swiping left!
Just like
carrots would do to you every time!
You think you found a good match?
But
no.
They've swiped you!
There. We don't want too much carrot.
Fuck off.
Do you know what I love?
When microphones stop working.
I llllove it.
Now next step
It's Valentine's Day and we're gonna need some kind of cream.
Too easy.
You can use mayonnaise or you can use this cream that's got black dots in it which is--
it's probably quite unhealthy. Go get that checked.
Open the lid,
give it a whiff.
Oh boy!
Now really how much of this cream you put on is up to you
whether you like lots or a little.
Hey,
maybe no cream will come out and that's okay!
Me, personally?
Give me all the fucking cream.
Just-- just keep--
Every fucking year we do this.
Every year.
And it always ends up like this.
Now your carrot
is absolutely swimming in cream.
The last ingredient is just a little bit of seasoning.
I have here just some plain ordinary table salt but--
You know what they say:
"You are what you eat".
Right?
And there you have it!
A perfect--
Sorry, continue.
A perfect, beautiful salad!
Perfect for those who are feeling--
there is salt in the fucking air.
I just-- I'm breathing salt through my mouth. *laughs*
A perfect salad!
For...
all of the people who are feeling just a little bit lonely on this
HORRIBLY
horribly
overselebrated, over-commercialized day.
It would appear that all of that cream
has congealed!
*laughs* Great!
You know what? I'm not actually gonna try it
'cause I don't actually wanna die on camera.
This is not my legacy.
I hope you enjoyed this year's Valentine's recipe.
If you did, then you can click over here
for some more, similar recipes.
Delicious.