“You could say that about anyone!”
“Yeah, right. They’ve got a disorder for everything these days.”
“Everybody gets those symptoms. You’re overthinking things.”
Any of this sound familiar?
If so, you might be like me, or, how I used to be, anyway.
See, I was recently diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.
BPD.
It wasn’t easy accepting that I needed help.
I had a million reasons not to.
‘People will think I’m crazy…’ ‘Or think I’m just attention seeking…’
‘Or that I’m making a mountain out of a molehill!’
There’s always a ‘good’ reason to avoid getting help, especially for someone with BPD,
but really, there’s never a good reason.
So, look, I’d like to share some of my story with you.
But first, let’s talk a little about the symptoms of BPD.
The name is confusing, let’s just get that out of the way.
In early versions of the Diagnostic And Statistical Manual Of Mental Disorders (or DSM)
mental illness was basically split into two categories: Neurosis and Psychosis.
Think of the DSM like a dictionary; a reference of mental disorders for psychologists and psychiatrists.
A Neurosis used to be defined as a mild mental illness, not caused by organic disease,
that involved varying symptoms of stress, but not a radical loss of touch with reality.
Things like anxiety, depression, obsessive compulsive disorder, hysteria and even phobias.
Since the 1980’s, the term Neurosis has been removed from the DSM, and is said to
be no longer in use in psychiatric diagnosis; however, that’s a bit controversial,
as many people still see the validity in classing disorders into one of these two categories.
A psychosis, on the other hand, was and is defined as a severe mental disorder
where thoughts and emotions are so impaired that contact is lost with external reality.
Examples of which include bipolar disorder, dementia, delirium and schizophrenia.
In the late 1800s, doctors began to define a new kind of neurotic who seemed to cross
the borderline between neurosis into psychosis in times of crisis.
The name stuck and went on to become the disorder we know today.
But, BPD is still pretty new.
It wasn’t recognised by the American Psychiatric Association until 1980.
So, we’re still learning about it.
Symptoms include:
• ‘Black and white’ thinking.
A person with BPD may have a hard time seeing the middle ground when it comes to anything.
Things are generally good or bad.
It’s a great feeling, when absolutely everything in world is fine and all your problems don’t matter
but it can be crippling the other way around.
• Efforts to avoid real or imaginary abandonment.
While BPD sufferers tend to form intimate relationships quickly,
they can sever ties just as quick in drastic ways;
fearful of being abandoned themselves.
Their strong emotions can make them stubborn; leaving them isolated.
• Intense and unstable relationships.
Someone with BPD can love and adore a person one day and hate and dislike them the next.
This wild swing in perception can be overwhelming.
It’s worsened by unhinged emotions and a basic lack of trust;
both in themselves and the people around them.
• Severe difficulty trusting.
Trust can almost be an alien concept for people with BDP.
It’s not unusual for them to trust no one at all, leaving them further isolated,
and adding to the mounting difficulties faced in maintaining healthy relationships.
• Intense Emotions.
It’s been said there’s at least one positive aspect to BPD.
Those with the disorder feel emotions strongly and can be exceptionally optimistic, loving and idealistic people;
however, they cave under negative emotions a lot quicker too
and can feel rage or despair where they need only feel annoyance.
• Distorted self-image and sense of identity.
This means the person may see themselves in a way that is far removed from how they actually are;
as overweight, for example, when they are in fact underweight.
They may also see themselves as bad people and learn to hate themselves.
• Dissociation.
People with BPD tend to zone out, or dissociate, finding it difficult to concentrate.
This is sometimes in reaction to a painful emotion, or something that reminds them of it;
a memory, or even déjà vu.
The escape can feel good, but it leaves behind every emotion, even the ones you should be feeling.
• Derealization.
Like disconnecting from reality, derealization can make you feel like you’re watching an artificial world go by,
like a first-person video game or Jim Carrey in The Truman Show.
It can also make you feel like you yourself, don’t exist,
or that your perception of reality is wildly inaccurate.
• Uncontrollable Intrusive Thoughts.
Someone with BPD may experience unpleasant thoughts they can’t get out of their head;
recalling a traumatic event, or just imagining one that could unfold at any minute.
I call it morbid daydreaming.
A person with BPD can get stuck in this daydream, feeling all the emotions that go with it.
• Thinking of ending it or hurting themselves
Hurting themselves is often a coping mechanism for BPD, a way to feel some control in such an
out of control state; or simply feel anything, when a person feels nothing.
The collective symptoms of BPD can sometimes be too much for a person to carry on.
• Impulsive and indecisive Behaviour.
A BPD sufferer can change their mind about anything in the blink of an eye
and make some rash decisions on the same whim.
This impulse and indecisiveness can make them dependent on stimulants, eating too much or too little
and more often than not, they can’t hold down jobs for long.
• Chronic feelings of emptiness.
I don’t think I need to explain this one.
We’ve all felt empty at times; when life has been so bad for so long that you have nothing left to feel.
A religious person would call it the loss of the soul; and that’s the best way I can put it.
An uncontrollable lack of purpose, hope or love.
I suffer from all of the above; though, I can’t stand that word.
Suffer.
It makes me feel small and incapable.
It makes me feel like I can’t fight this; which in turn just makes me recede further into my own mind,
away from reality and the people who love me.
A few months back, things got out of hand.
I blacked out and had a major dissociative event where I actually was someone else,
like a split personality, and I was horrible to my girlfriend.
When I woke from the blackout, she was understandably freaked out.
She told me what happened, who I became.
I, or, whoever it was, had sat there in front of her telling her that I was weak,
pathetic, and useless.
I was angry with her; intimidating.
It was crazy and kinda scary.
I thought she’d leave; I wouldn’t have blamed her...
But she didn’t.
I’m the luckiest guy in the world to have someone, anyone, to support me the way she does.
We talked it over and I decided to get help.
I had to quit my job, go on illness benefit and begin psychological assessment;
which is ongoing.
I’ve been in treatment for seven months now and the next step is deciding on a plan
of cognitive therapy and medication.
Right now, I’m using my time to write; it gets me through the day.
I don’t leave the house much, and most days I do deal with derealization, anxiety and depression
but writing calms my mind and I can still find happy hours with my girlfriend
and our cat.
But, this is just me.
It’s probably not the same for you.
That’s okay.
The symptoms of BPD vary from person to person; you or a loved one may not tick every box
on the list of symptoms, but a few is enough if you’re unhappy with things.
BPD often goes hand in hand with dependence, eating too much or too little, anxiety, depression,
bipolar disorder and more; so, it can be hard to recognise.
The absolute hardest part is reaching out.
It took me most of my life, and nearly hurting someone very dear to me.
It wouldn’t have even been the first time this thing has directly affected or ended a relationship in my life.
I have a lot of burned bridges.
There’s a lot of people that I used to know.
But if you’re feeling this way, if what I’ve talked about today resonated with you;
please, do something for me.
Reach out.
However and to whoever you can.
There is still a stigma attached to BPD, stemming from the archaic belief that people with the disorder
are pathological liars.
The only lies I tell are to myself.
“You’re worthless.”
“You’re pathetic.”
“You don’t even exist.”
“And if you did Everyone Would Hate You Anyway.”
Forget the stigma, forget what people think.
This can stop you from living your life.
And it’s your life.
You deserve to live it.
I wish I had more answers for you now, but honestly, I don’t.
I’m still trying to convince myself that I deserve it.
But, look, Reach out, like tearing off a bandaid,
just do it.
When you get this problem out of your head and into the real world it becomes easier to see
that it’s just that, a problem, and problems have solutions.
That black hole doesn’t have to be bottomless, I promise.
I’ll keep writing, and the more answers I find, the more I’ll share;
and if you reach out, get some answers of your own, be sure to share too.
There are more people than you know who need them.
Be safe.