In your experience, dating in your 40’s is trickier than dating in your 20’s or 30’s.
But does it have to be? Men are men. Women are women.
So what’s so different about dating after you turn the big 4-0? In this Love U Podcast,
I’m going to share with you why it is, indeed, harder to find a good middle-aged man,
and what you should consider if you’re facing your biological clock. Stick around.
I’m Evan Marc Katz, dating coach for smart, strong, successful women and your personal
trainer for love. Welcome to the Love U podcast. Keep listening to find out what to look for when
you're dating men in your 40s. When we're done, I'll let you know how you can apply
to Love U to create a passionate relationship that makes you feel safe, heard, and understood.
So, not all the good ones are taken, but in fact, there are fewer good ones out there.
So, here's how this works, statistically speaking,
I looked it up before I got here, 81% of men are married before they turn forty.
And that's going to mean that idea that all the good ones are taken, well, it's not all,
but a lot of the marriage-minded men, the guys who were cute enough, relationship-oriented enough,
secure enough to want to make that kind of commitment, a lot of them came off the board.
Now, there's a lot of people who didn't. I've got a lot of clients in their forties
who've never been married. It doesn't mean there's something wrong with you,
nor is it something necessarily wrong with the remaining 20%. But, that's an important “but”,
this is from a book called Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. And it talks all
about attachment styles and how they determine how we're compatible within relationships. What the
book reports is that 50% of people, according to them, are a secure attachment style, which means
they are able to form intimate bonds. Then, 25% of people are anxious and 25% of people are avoidant.
Anxious means you crave an intimate relationship, but you kind of freak out
while you're dating. And avoidant means it's usually the person who drives the anxious person
crazy. Avoidant claims to want to have love, but constantly undermines that, pulls away,
criticizes, talks about commitment, refuses to talk about commitment, but doesn't really follow
through on stepping up to the plate and letting the relationship escalate. So, we have secure,
which is 50% of the population and then people who are anxious and avoidant on the other side.
So, as time passes, predictably, the secure men start to pair up and they form long-term
intimate bonds. And what does that leave in the dating life? A lot of more anxious guys and
avoidant ones. What does that mean for you? Well, you've seen it yourself, more
men freaking out quickly that you know, they want to be your boyfriend on date one and you're like,
“whoa, there!” That's anxious. And then, there's the guys that I mentioned earlier, the guys who
claim to want love but ultimately keep you at a distance and refuse to commit. That's what the
dating pool looks like increasingly as time goes by. But I didn't even have this in the script,
people recycle just because a guy got married and was secure and commitment oriented in
his early 30s, doesn't mean he married the right person. So, there's going to be some secure people
who married, men and women alike, secure people who married wrong that end up seeking divorce.
That's a real thing, too. But as time goes by, a lot of the people who are good at relationships
stay in relationships, which is what we would expect. It is, per your observation,
harder to find a quality, commitment-oriented man who's never been married. And therefore,
if you're not, you should be open to divorced men as long as you're staying away from the red flag
divorce men and there are red flags. We're not talking about men who are currently separated,
not men who just had the ink dry on their divorce. And you're the first person they've gone out with.
Not men who are living on their buddy's couch, not men who are actively bitter towards their exes,
not men who are not sure if they ever want to get married again. And I want to acknowledge
this encompasses and accounts for a lot of men, and, yes, you should pass on all of them.
I did a video about this, 90% of men for your purposes, for our purposes, for Love U purposes
are worthless to you, even if they're the next bright, shiny, single available object.
I need you to be able to pass on all of these red flags, separated and divorced men. So,
amidst all of these broken men are men who married the wrong person in his late 20s or early 30s and
really want to get it right the next time around. Whether you know it or not, a huge part of dating,
a huge part of what I do in Love U coaching is just giving you the courage to say no to the
wrong man, the detours who are going to waste your time or at the very least, if you can't identify
them up front, not wasting too much time on them once you've started seeing them. And I know this
may seem hard to do, but I just outlined a bunch of men that you could avoid from the get go. ‘
As to the actual dating part. Dating when you're over the age of forty, the truth is,
not many people acknowledge that dating dynamics between men and women aren't appreciably different
at any age. Yeah, there's guys in their 30s who are still trying to get their career together
and there's guys in their 60s who aren't financially ready to retire or suffer from
erectile dysfunction. But the dynamic between men and women isn't that different. It's just
people. Men still want to feel appreciated and accepted, whether they're 30 or whether they're
70. Women still want to feel safe, heard and understood whether they're 30 or they're 70.
Men should still make a concerted effort to please you. You should still make a
concerted effort to forgive the good men who try to please you, but fall short.
Perhaps the only things, in my opinion, that are appreciably different about dating in your
40s surround fertility. And I alluded to that in a previous podcast.
But it's important to bring up if you're a woman who wants her own biological children,
you have to recognize that men who want their own biological children are well within their
rights to choose women who are younger. You can hate it. You can lament how unfair it is,
but it is one hundred percent practical for a 40-year-old man who wants to try to have two
biological kids of his own to insist on trying to date women under the age of thirty-five.
I say this as a guy who got married at thirty-five, wanted two kids and chose
a woman who was just about to turn thirty-nine. If you're in your 40s and you want children, pay
close attention to the men who already have them. They're already fathers. They know what it takes.
They're not going to be as afraid of moving fast like childless men who are face in. I
remember I dated a 38-year-old woman when I was thirty-two. I remember being petrified like,
“oh, my God, I found her. And I'm going to have to impregnate her as soon as possible.”
I just met her and all I could think about was the pressure I was feeling
now that I was in: get engaged, move in,
get married and start procreating. It was a lot to take as a single guy without kids.
So, guys who have kids are going to be a little bit cooler about this.
And for those women who are listening, who don't want to have children and you're in your 40s,
hallelujah, you have the wisdom of four decades behind you. You're not going to be as driven by
the fear or scarcity of a biological clock. You can date men who are younger or older without
worrying about what it means for paternity, meaning you don't have to worry about dating a
guy who's too old to be a dad. He’s going to be in his 70s when you're kids are in high school. You
don't have to worry too much about dating a guy who's too young to be a father. Your options are
even more open. The key to successful dating as I share in Love U is to act like there's
no urgency. And that's what I want to leave you with today as much as you may want kids.
The last thing you want to do is marry some dude in a year, have a baby
nine months later and discover that the guy who's the father of your child is a terrible husband and
father and that you're either going to have to fight for the next 18 years
to preserve a broken marriage. Never should have been
or immediately become a single working mother to an infant, which is the hardest job on the planet.
In my book and scientifically, studies show slow and steady wins the race,
half of my clients are in their 40s, half of them one quarter below 40. One quarter above 50.
If you're one of those women,
click below to learn how to get this most important aspect of your life working properly.
I look forward to talking to you and helping you achieve your dream of finding your husband.
My name is Evan Marc Katz. Thank you for turning into the Love U podcast for more episodes like
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in the world. If you want to find love right now and you're committed to making healthier choices
with men so you can have an easy relationship that makes you feel safe, heard and understood.
Look for the link below and apply for coaching with me in Love U.