When I read this passage before,
I merely said that everything God says here is a fact,
but I never truly understood it.
I thought that since I'd believed in God for years, given up my job and family,
expended myself, suffering for my duty,
when trials came, I wouldn't blame God or betray Him.
But when I went through a trial of sickness,
I misunderstood and blamed God.
My motivation to be blessed and to make deals with God
was exposed to the light of day.
Only then was I convinced God's words can expose people
and my views on pursuing my faith underwent a change.
One day in July 2018,
I found a small, hard lump on my left breast.
I didn't think much of it
and figured some anti-inflammatories would sort it out.
But over the next two months, it just got worse and worse.
I had night sweats and no energy,
and the area around the lump was really hurting.
I began to wonder whether there was really something wrong,
but I consoled myself again that it was no big deal.
I had faith in God and was busy every day in the church doing my duty.
I figured God would protect me.
Then one night, I was woken by a sharp pain.
Yellow fluid was leaking from my breast, and I knew something was wrong.
My husband rushed me to the hospital to get it checked.
The results came back: They told me I had breast cancer.
My heart skipped a beat when I heard the doctor say that.
I thought. "Breast cancer?
I'm barely 30 years old! How can this be?"
I just kept telling myself,
"No way. This could never happen to me.
I'm a believer, and I've been doing my duty in the church for years.
God will look after me and protect me.
The doctor must have gotten it wrong."
I just kept hoping it wasn't true.
I don't even remember how I got home from the hospital.
My husband saw this dazed look on my face and he tried to comfort me,
"This is a small hospital and the doctors aren't that skilled.
They could be wrong.
Let's get you checked again at a big hospital."
I felt a little glimmer of hope when he suggested that to me.
Unfortunately, the doctor at the big hospital confirmed it:
It really was breast cancer.
She also said that it was mid-to late-stage,
and that I had to be admitted for chemo and surgery,
otherwise it could be terminal.
I felt my mind just go totally blank
and I felt my heart drop.
And then I thought, "How much is all this going to cost?
What if I die halfway through chemo?
How will my family cope with all that debt?
They don't have money for these things."
I was in despair and I felt utterly helpless.
After my first round of chemo,
my whole body was wracked with pain.
I didn't wanna do anything and I was always groggy.
It was only after the drugs finally wore off a few days later that I began to recover.
I'd believed in God for years, I'd made sacrifices and expended myself.
I always did my duty through thick and thin,
I never missed a gathering.
I always helped my brothers and sisters with all of their problems.
I had worked so hard and for what?
Why wasn't God protecting me?
And now, I couldn't do any duty.
I was practically at death's door.
Did God want to eliminate me?
I had five more rounds of chemo and then an operation.
How on earth was I going to cope?
Apart from all the pain and suffering, if I died,
would that mean all my years of faith had been a waste of time?
That thought actually brought me to tears.
I really was tormented during that time.
I read God's words but they didn't sink in, and I stopped praying.
My spirit was so dark and I was getting further and further from God.
One day, Sister Li from the church came to see me
and kindly asked me about my condition.
Seeing me in such pain and feeling so down, she gave me fellowship.
She said, "God permits illness to befall us and it is a kind of trial.
We only have to pray and seek more
and God will surely lead us to understand His will …"
Hearing her say the word "trial" stirred my heart.
Maybe God didn't want to eliminate me
but just wanted me to undergo this trial!
After Sister Li left, I went before God to pray and I said:
"Dear God,
I've been living in pain ever since I got sick, misunderstanding and blaming You.
Today, my sister helped remind me that this is just Your trial for me,
and yet, I still don't know how to get through this situation.
Please guide me so that I may know Your will."
Amen!
After that, I went before God and prayed to Him the same way every day.
And one day, I read these words of God:
As I pondered God's words, I finally began to understand His will.
God works in the last days to perfect people
by exposing our corrupt dispositions through all kinds of situations,
and by using the judgment and revelations of His words
to make us understand our satanic dispositions.
We must seek and practice the truth,
so our corrupt dispositions are cleansed and changed.
I understood that God had allowed me to get sick
and it wasn't to eliminate me or to try to hurt me on purpose,
but to cleanse and to change me.
Yes.
I couldn't misunderstand God or wallow in self-pity anymore.
I had to submit,
to seek the truth in my sickness and reflect on and know myself.
Amen!
Once I'd understood God's will,
I no longer felt so dejected or in such pain.
I said a prayer of submission to God,
and once I'd finished, some of God's words came to mind:
I looked it up in my book of God's words and I found this passage:
God's words precisely exposed my desire to be blessed in my faith.
I thought back over my years of faith,
at home when all was well, I was healthy, and everything was good,
I'd engaged in my duty and I seemed to have endless energy.
But once I got cancer,
I became negative and I misunderstood and blamed God for not protecting me.
I capitalized on the work I'd done and argued with God.
I even regretted all my years of sacrifice.
I lived in a state of shunning and betraying God.
When I was refined and exposed by illness,
I saw that I hadn't been doing my duty and making sacrifices
to pursue the truth or do the duty of a created being,
I'd only done things to get peace and blessings.
I'd been making deals with God
to be blessed in return for the sacrifices that I had made.
I wanted everything in this life and eternal life in the next.
But now I had cancer,
I was going to die and I wouldn't be blessed,
I blamed God for being unjust—
I had no humanity at all.
I thought over my years of faith
with so much grace and so many blessings from God.
I had been watered and sustained so often by the truth.
God had given me so much, but I never thought of repaying His love.
And when I got sick, I didn't submit to God at all.
I just misunderstood and blamed Him.
I was totally without conscience or sense!
Yeah.
I finally understood that God had allowed me to get sick
to expose and cleanse my motivation to be blessed in my faith
and my wrong views on pursuit,
so I'd focus on pursuing the truth and seek a change in my disposition.
That's right.
I felt such deep regret and reproached myself after I understood God's good intentions.
I silently made this resolution:
"Whether I get better or not,
I won't make any more senseless demands of God.
I just want to put my life and death in God's hands and submit to His arrangements."
Amen!
I felt so much calmer after resolving that.
I wasn't as anxious and distressed anymore,
and I could quiet myself to read God's words, to pray and seek with God.
Thanks be to God!
Once I'd submitted,
going back to have chemo wasn't as painful as it had been before.
Though I still felt a bit nauseous, everything was much easier.
The other patients were surprised and envious.
I knew in my heart that this was entirely God's mercy and protection.
I felt so grateful.
Yes.
After several rounds of chemo,
the egg-sized tumor had gotten significantly smaller.
It didn't hurt as much and there wasn't any oozing.
The doctor said my recovery was going well,
and that if things carried on like that
then after six rounds of chemo, I may not need an operation.
I was so happy to hear that wonderful news,
I kept thanking God.
My faith in God grew and grew
and I thought that if I reflected and really tried to know myself,
then perhaps I could get better without an operation.
One day in March, I had my last chemo.
I was both nervous and also hopeful.
And when it was over, the doctor said I still needed to have the operation,
and then two more rounds of chemo, and then some radiotherapy.
My heart, it just dropped into my stomach and my mind was buzzing.
I thought, "How could this be?
I've reflected like I should and understood what I should.
Why haven't I gotten better?
It's a major operation, and besides the scarring,
the chemo and radiotherapy that I'll need will be so painful,
and there's still a chance that I could die …"
I felt more and more unhappy and my whole body went limp.
I began to cry at the injustice of it all.
The night after my operation,
once the anesthetic had worn off,
the pain from the incision was so bad I cried,
I couldn't even take a deep breath.
I just felt so helpless and wronged,
and I began to blame God again.
It was too much for me— when would the pain finally end?
And then, as I was suffering, I read these words of God:
Every one of God's words entered my heart and I felt very moved,
and right then I knew
that God's will in refining me this way was to get me to develop true self-knowledge,
so I could seek the truth and cleanse myself of my corrupt dispositions.
Before, although I realized I shouldn't pursue blessings in my faith,
I hadn't fully let go of my motivation to be blessed.
I was still harboring extravagant demands of God in my heart.
I thought as I reflected on myself and came to know myself,
then God would take my sickness away.
My self-reflection and self-knowledge were actually tainted with personal motives,
they were just covers for my desire to make a deal with God.
I hadn't truly repented at all!
Yeah.
God had scrutinized my thoughts and used my sickness to expose me,
to make me reflect on myself further and truly repent.
This was God's love for me.
Afterward, I prayed to God, saying,
"Dear God, now I understand Your will.
I wish to forgo all personal choices and requests
and seek the truth in the situation you've arranged.
Please guide me."
Amen!
A few days later, I read this in God's words:
I felt so ashamed when I read this.
God's words revealed my true state exactly.
I'd believed in God for so many years
and had always wanted to be blessed, always making deals with God.
I felt that since I believed in God
and had always done my duty and expended myself in the church,
God should look after me and protect me, and keep me from all sickness and harm.
I thought this was only right and proper.
When I found out I had cancer,
I immediately started to complain to God
and wanted to capitalize on my years of suffering and sacrifice to argue with Him.
When I began to get better, I said "Thank You God" with my mouth,
but in my heart, I wanted even more.
I wanted God to take my sickness away entirely
so I wouldn't have to suffer anymore.
When my extravagant desire wasn't satisfied,
my devilish nature returned,
so again, I blamed God and tried to argue with Him.
My behavior was exactly as God reveals in His words:
I was just so crushed.
Though I'd believed in God for years,
I wasn't worshiping or submitting to Him like I should.
Instead, I was treating Him like a powerful doctor, like a refuge.
I was using God to achieve my own ends,
trying to get peace in this life and future blessings from Him.
Yeah.
I saw that my faith in God had been nothing but bare-faced deal-making,
and I'd been using God to get grace and blessings from Him.
Hadn't I just been cheating and resisting God?
I saw just how selfish and deceitful I was,
without a shred of humanity, living out nothing but satanic dispositions.
How God must have loathed and hated me!
And then I read this in God's words:
Amen!
I felt so moved as I contemplated God's words.
I thought, "God is the Creator.
God can bestow grace and blessings on us,
and He can judge, chastise, trial and refine us.
Couldn't God give us trials just because He loves us?"
- That's right. - Yeah.
I thought of Job.
God bestowed great wealth on him
and he thanked and praised God,
but he didn't covet material wealth.
When God took everything from him,
he could still extol God's name through his trial, saying,
Amen!
Job knew that everything he had came from God
and that God was righteous whether God gave or took things away.
- Yes. - Yeah.
Job's faith in God was not tainted by personal motives
and he gave no thought to whether he'd be blessed or meet with disaster.
He didn't complain no matter what God did.
He was able to take his place as a created being to worship and submit to God.
Seeing Job's humanity and reason, I really felt ashamed.
I looked at everything I had.
God had given it to me, even my very breath.
And yet, I hadn't been grateful at all,
instead I blamed God when I got sick.
I had no conscience or reason whatsoever!
I believed in God but didn't know Him,
and I didn't really know my proper place before Him
or how I should submit to the Creator.
Believing in God with my notions, imaginings and ideas about making deals,
I complained to God and I resisted Him in the face of trials.
Even so, I always wanted blessings and grace from God,
and wanted to get into God's kingdom.
I truly knew no shame!
I saw that even if I died right then,
it would be God's righteousness for my rebelliousness and corruption.
I found the path of practice in the experiences of Job.
No matter how long I would be sick for or whether I got better or not,
I wished only to submit to God's rule and arrangements.
This was the reason I should have as a created being.
Amen!
This thought brought me a great sense of release.
It was time for radiotherapy before I knew it.
The other cancer patients said radiotherapy was really hard on the body,
that it would basically cook my flesh.
They said I'd get dizzy and nauseous every time,
and I wouldn't be able to taste anything.
When I heard all this,
I started asking God to help me escape this situation again,
but I quickly realized that my state was wrong and prayed to God.
Some lines from a hymn of God's words then came to mind:
I knew that this situation was God testing me
and I couldn't senselessly ask God for things or hurt Him anymore.
I knew I had to submit to His arrangements.
- Yeah. - Amen!
Once I had submitted,
although I had to have radiotherapy every day and my body hurt in places,
it wasn't as bad as the other patients had told me it was.
I knew this was God mercifully taking care of me.
- Yeah. - That's right.
When I'd finished my radiotherapy,
my physical recovery was really fast.
I looked and felt really good.
My brothers and sisters in the church said I didn't look like a cancer patient at all.
Then after a while, I started doing my duty again.
Thanks be to God!
My faith in God grew through this
and I began to cherish having the opportunity to do my duty even more.
- Amen! - That's great.
It's been almost 2 years since then,
but whenever I think back to those ten months when I was sick,
it feels like it happened only yesterday.
Although my flesh suffered a little,
I came to understand my motivation for blessings
and my mistaken views on what to pursue.
I know now that I have to pursue the truth and seek to obey God in my faith.
Whether I am blessed or I meet with disaster,
I must always submit to God's orchestrations and His rule and arrangements.
This is the sense of reason a created being should possess.
I could never have gained all this if life had gone smoothly.
This is the wealth of life God has given me.
- Amen. - Thanks be to God!
Thank Almighty God!
- What a great experience! - Yes.