- We're a family here.
Well, not the conventional one, but we love each other and--
- Excuse me, snoop.
- Liar. - Wino.
- Lizard.
- It's real love, Mr. Benson.
- Sonny Bono and Lyle Waggoner.
Dorothy, this is an embarrassment of riches.
- I wanted to tell you sooner,
but well, I was afraid that you might not believe me.
- And why should we, Miss Junior Prom 1946?
- Ma, you promised.
- Dating the quarterback, she says.
Buys her own corsage, spends the evening
hiding in the basement slow dancing with a rake.
Would've gotten away with it too,
but while she was giving herself
hickies with a vacuum cleaner, she stepped into a puddle.
- To most mothers, that would be a cry for affection.
To you, it's just ammo.
- Look, Zbornak, I'm gonna do whatever I have to do
to make sure that Kevin plays in that game.
If you don't wanna make it easy on us, fine,
but you're not gonna stop us.
I guarantee you, that boy will be playing.
(door slams shut)
- (sighs) Well, at least I stood up for my principles.
- This is the proudest I've been of you in my whole life.
- Thanks, ma.
- Can you believe it?
My whole life and this is the proudest I've ever been.
I'm depressed, I need a cookie.
- Oh, look at this one.
Scrunched up little frown, kinda reminds me of my mother.
(shell cracks)
(tires screeching on TV) (sirens wailing on TV)
- Well, I'm off.
- That would be my diagnosis.
Even though your kids are grown up
and act like they don't need you, they do.
- I'm not so sure about that, Dorothy.
- Your absolutely right, Dorothy.
And I'll tell you something else,
a mother sometimes needs her children even more.
- Thank you, ma.
That's very sweet.
- Give me $20.
- No.
- When I was a teenager, I was gorgeous.
Eyes as deep and black as ripe olives.
Skin as smooth and creamy as fresh butter.
Hair, flaming red like a rich marinara sauce.
- Ma, that's not you, that's your lasagna recipe.
- Eh, shut up.
- Hi, ma.
- Give me your watch.
- Oh sure.
What do you want it for?
- I'm workin' on a magic act
for the talent show at the center.
(metal clatters)
Abracadabra, one, two, three.
(glass shatters)
- Ma!
- Relax.
Dorothy, was your card the ace of spades?
- Ma, what the hell are you talking about?
- I think I got chapter seven and nine mixed up.
(metal pieces clattering)
- Oh.
- This watch is broken.
- Ma, Stan gave me that watch when we got married.
- Well, the marriage never worked, why should the watch?
- Oh, why can't I ever attract men like that?
- You can, Dorothy.
- Oh, ma.
Ma, you really think so?
- Of course not, but you think I'm gonna tell you that?
I'm your mother.
- [Audience] Ooh!
- Well ma, what do you think?
- Pussy cat, you look sensational.
- You really think so, ma?
- I really think so.
I've never seen you look so beautiful.
- Aw, thanks ma.
- Who's the designer?
He deserves a Nobel Prize for Miracles.
- If you're not gonna take this seriously
I'm just gonna do the history by myself.
- Hey, keep away from there.
- What are you?
What's in the box?
- Mexican jumping beans.
- You don't want me to know?
Fine.
I wouldn't dream of infringing on your privacy.
Look, Rudy Vallee! - Where, where?
- If you will excuse me,
Becky and I are having breakfast on the lanai.
We're still bonding.
- Dorothy, how come we never bond?
- We're from before bonding and quality time.
We're from when people stayed together
because they had no choice.
- You're still my little girl, you know,
no matter how big you get.
- Aw, thanks ma.
- By the way, how big are you gonna get?
- Pop was a pretty good father,
but I never really told him I loved him,
so I wanna make sure I tell you.
- Oh, pussy cat.
"Dear ma, thanks for giving me life
"and thanks for making it good.
"I love you."
And I love you too, pussy cat.
- And I love you too.
And I'm glad you're my mom.
- And I'm glad you're my baby.
(doorbell rings)
- That's probably the schmaltz police.