- I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE ONE OF YOU
SHOW UP TO COLLEGE GAME DAY
WITH A SIGN THAT SAYS KIFFIN'S KRIMSON KORNER,
YOU HILLBILLIES.
- NOT THAT FUNNY.
- HE SAID, "ASK HIM IF HE KNOWS
THE HOMETOWN HILLBILLY."
- ONE OF HIS STAR STUDENTS
IS NONE OTHER THAN HEAD COACH KYLE WHITTINGHAM.
- OH, HE'S MAD AT COACH KIFFIN.
- LOOKED LIKE THERE WERE SOME ARGUMENTS
BETWEEN YOURSELF AND LANE ON THE SIDELINES.
- THERE'S NO ARGUMENTS.
THOSE ARE CALLED ASS-CHEWINGS. I MEAN...
- IF YOU NEED TO SCOLD YOUR OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR
AFTER A 30-POINT WIN, YOU NEED TO REEXAMINE YOUR LIFE.
IT'S BEEN TWO YEARS SINCE WE'VE CHECKED IN ON
ALABAMA'S NUMBER ONE PUBLIC ACCESS CALL-IN SHOW,
AND SINCE THEN, OL' LANE HAS TRADED IN HIS WEDDING RING
FOR A CHAMPIONSHIP RING.
TURNS OUT HE'S AS BAD AT BEING A HUSBAND
AS HE IS AT BEING A HEAD COACH.
[LAUGHS]
WE'RE BACK AGAIN WITH TRIPLE K.
YOU'LL NOTICE A LITTLE ADDITION TO THE TROPHY CASE THIS TIME.
ALSO, THANKS TO MY LOVELY NOW EX-WIFE
FOR BEING HERE AND LETTING ME USE MY OLD PHONE.
LET'S TAKE SOME CALLS.
-
IT'S SARAH FROM THE BAR
AND THEN THE BACK OF THAT UBER
AND THEN THE COT IN YOUR OFFICE LAST NIGHT.
ANYWAY, YOU LEFT ONE OF YOUR VISORS AT MY PLACE,
AND YOU STILL OWE ME FOR YOUR HALF OF THE MORNING AFTER PILL.
- SORRY ABOUT THAT, GUYS.
LEILA JUST NEEDED TO BLOW OFF A LITTLE STEAM.
NEXT CALLER.
- LOOKS LIKE ALL YOUR STUFF GOT DESTROYED.
I GUESS NOW YOU KNOW HOW IT FEELS
TO BE A PLAYER TRYING TO TRANSFER
OUT OF YOUR DIRTY PROGRAM, YOU PETTY BACK-STABBING [BLEEP].
- KEEP IT LANE AND SIMPLE. NEXT CALLER.
- HEY, COACH.
THIS IS MORE OF AN XS AND OS QUESTION.
- OKAY.
- IF I BANG YOUR EX-WIFE,
YOU THINK I'LL SEE HER O FACE?
I PRAY THE NEXT TORNADO FINISHES YOU OFF, PRICK.
LANE IS A DUMB NAME.
- NEXT CALLER.
YOU'RE DOWN ON LANE STREET.
- LANE, IT'S YOUR BUDDY STEVE SARKASIAN.
- HEY, SARK. SOUND A LITTLE INTOXICATED.
YOU KNOW YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE DRINKING, RIGHT?
- SHOUT OUT TO BAMA FOR HIRING THE PAC-12 SLOPPY SECONDS.
[BLEEP] ROLL [BLEEP] TIDE.
HEY, SPEAKING OF SLOPPY SECONDS,
HOW ABOUT THAT HOT BLONDE PILE OF SEX YOU COULDN'T KEEP HAPPY?
I WANT TO PEE ON YOU, LEILA.
- HE'S JUST TIRED.
THE LANE IS LEAVING THE STATION.
NEXT CALLER.
- CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR RAISE, COACH.
- THANK YOU. - YOU MEAN "OUR RAISE."
- YOU GONNA USE THAT AS HUSH MONEY FOR THE COLLEGE SLUTS
YOU KNOCK UP, OR JUST BLOW IT ALL
GETTING YOUR ASSHOLE BLEACHED,
YOU EFFEMINATE WEST COACH TWINK?
NICE KHAKIS, FRUIT!
- YEAH, I GOT A QUESTION ABOUT BALL CONTROL.
WHY CAN'T YOU CONTROL YOUR BALLS
AND STOP TRYING TO [BLEEP] EVERY BUCKTOOTH
WHITE POWER WHORE AT BAMA?
GO DOGS.
- LANE, I WAS WONDERING,
ARE THERE ANY ACTUAL PLAYS ON THAT CARD,
OR DO YOU JUST USE IT TO HIDE YOUR DOUGHY BABY FACE,
YOU COCKY [BLEEP]?
GO BUCKEYES.
- WHAT'S BEEN YOUR BIGGEST CHALLENGE AT ALABAMA?
JUST IN SEC DEFENSES
OR CONVINCING COLLEGE GIRLS
YOU'RE A 41-YEAR-OLD UNDERGRAD
NAMED JOEY FRESHWATER?
GO FAIL AS A HEAD COACH IN THE BIG TEN, QUEER.
TRUMP 2016!
- ARE THERE ANY REAL CALLERS OUT THERE?
- HEY, LANE.
DO YOU MISS BEING A HEAD COACH,
OR DO YOU PREFER THE EXCITEMENT
OF SABAN YELLING AT YOU LIKE A CHILD ON NATIONAL TV?
ALL RIGHT, WELL, FRENCH KISS YOUR DAD FOR ME, DICK FACE.
- QUICK QUESTION, WHAT FEELS BETTER,
WHEN NICK SABAN CHEWS OUT YOUR ASSHOLE
OR WHEN HIS DAUGHTER FINGERS IT?
- I WILL FIND YOU!
- THROW YOURSELF INTO ONCOMING TRAFFIC, YOU TRADER ASS--
- COME ON, GUYS.
CAN WE PLEASE TRY TO CLEAN IT UP?
-
- ALWAYS GOOD TO HEAR FROM
ONE OF OUR REGULAR CALLERS.
- HEY, WHY YOU'RE UP,
WHY DON'T YOU HANG YOURSELF
WITH THAT TOO-LONG PHONE CORD?
RUN ANOTHER BUBBLE SCREEN, YOU UNORIGINAL--
- I WAS WONDERING, DO THE BOOSTERS GIVE MONEY
WITH THE UNDERSTANDING THAT YOU'LL [BLEEP]
THEIR GROSS WIVES SO THEY DON'T HAVE TO?
- Y'ALL NEED TO STAY IN YOUR LANE.
- HEY, LANE. JERRY JONES HERE.
I FINALLY FIRED JASON GARRETT.
I WANT TO MAKE YOU THE NEXT HEAD COACH OF THE COWBOYS.
HOW QUICK CAN YOU GET TO DALLAS?
- OH, THANK YOU, MR. JONES.
I'M ALREADY PACKED. THIS IS PERFECT.
- JUST KIDDING. IT'S ME, SARK AGAIN.
BARTENDER, A JACK AND COKE TO GO, PLEASE.
HEY, BUT SERIOUSLY, I HEARD THEY'RE REPLACING YOU
WITH LES MILES.
YOU DIDN'T HEAR THAT FROM ME.
- SAY WHAT YOU WILL ABOUT HIS MORALS,
THE MAN IS STILL GORGEOUS TO LOOK AT.