Hi, I'm Patrick Gill.
And Anthem would be a better video game... if the robots had truck nuts.
*honk honk* I mean it.
I genuinely believe that having truck nuts on these robots is better than not having
truck nuts.
I believe this game would sell more copies if these robots had dangling from the bottom
of them a pair of truck nuts.
I know that's kind of an extreme solution, but it's a solution to a problem that feels
real to me.
And that is that I have a really hard time remembering what Anthem is.
And that's weird because it's a triple-A video game and it feels and looks like a lot of
other games that I really like.
But if I close my eyes and I try to picture Anthem, it's mush, nothing.
And I think that has something to do with the visual design of Anthem.
It's a... it's a big game.
Sometimes the result of something this big is that you end up with designs — and particularly
character designs — that are maybe a little bit safe.
Maybe a little bit too perfect.
And I sort of feel like that's what's happening with the Javelins.
The robots in Anthem.
There are four different classes of Javelin.
And the roles that each of these Javelins play are cribbed from the same archetypes
that we see in a lot of games.
It's, you know, the fantasy roleplaying thing.
We've got the warrior.
We've got the wizard.
We've got the rogue.
We've got the bigger warrior.
I think my problem with these classes in Anthem is that they kind of fall victim to what we
in games call "SNL Season 34 Syndrome."
And that's when a screen is simultaneously occupied by three or more different versions
of the essentially the same marketable, human-shaped entity.
If you put Will Forte and Bill Hader and Seth Meyers and who's the other one?
Brian (offscreen): Jason Sudeikis.
Jason Sudeikis!
If you put them all together on the screen, you can like examine them and say, "OK, they
have different facial features.
They're different human beings."
But like, in essence, they're the same.
And if you cross your eyes, like, it gets really hard to tell which one is which.
And that's also what's going on with the Javelins.
Honestly, they all kind of look a bit like the nameless Ceberus henchmen from Mass Effect 3.
And if your player characters in your new game look like the henchmen from your old
game, um, it's time to spice it up.
Put some truck nuts on 'em.
I'm still serious about that, I think it's a very good idea.
You'll agree with me.
I think my problem with the Javelins is that they're not weird and they are not flawed.
And these are things that make character designs really memorable.
The robots are too perfect.
It's a Toyota Camry.
It's Helvetica.
It's an Amazon gift card for your birthday.
Which is, like, great because you can use it to buy cat litter, but it doesn't speak
to you.
In fact, it's designed not to speak to you.
It's designed to be safe.
But we can fix it.
And I know I've never made a video game, but I am America's Wisest Gamer, so I think I'm
qualified to tell you how.
We're gonna take a look at some less perfect games, and we're gonna learn three lessons
from them.
Let's start with Final Fantasy 7 and Cloud Strife.
In terms of personality pretty much like every other JRPG protagonist.
And his appearance doesn't really break the mold either.
But why do we remember him?
Why does he get his own spin-off movies?
Why does he get invited to go fight the Smash Bros?
I mean, he was in a really good game... but I think it was big sword.
Square Enix dared to give Cloud a sword so big that it looks like a parody of swords.
And, honestly, that kind of made him one of gaming's most iconic characters.
So there's lesson one: make it the biggest.
There's a lot going on in video games.
Shit's blowing up all the time.
People flying around.
And just a lot of visual data to scry from one very small space.
So by making a part of your character massive and recognizable at any speed and any distance,
you're doing yourself a favor.
So now let's move on to Destiny 2 for lesson two.
Lestony 2.
Like Anthem, it's a class-based shooter, but with its own unique archetypes.
The titan, the warlock, and the hunter.
The three classes share a unifying design philosophy, but each class has its own unique
accessory that draws inspiration from our cultural subconscious.
The hunter's hood and cloak evoke a skulking assassin.
The warlock's robes echo the classic depiction of powerful magic users, like Merlin.
And Rasputin.
And Jeff Bridges.
The titan's broad shoulders are reminiscent of the uniform of a 1980s businesswoman.
Shattering the glass ceiling so that others can follow.
So that is lesson two: make it iconic.
Anthem could use symbols and icons as a cultural shorthand to tell you things about these characters
immediately.
Like truck nuts!
We're getting there.
Finally, we're gonna learn a lesson from part-time game developer and full-time Mads Mikkelson fan,
Hideo Kojima.
When it comes to creating characters with memorable flaws, Kojima and his team are industry leaders.
Let's take a look at some of their bold choices.
In Metal Gear Solid 2, Solid Snake appears sporting a full mullet, which is a hairstyle
most people would agree is a joke haircut for idiots.
The mullet seriously stuck with me.
You look at Snake, this cool super spy, he can do cool super spy shit, and he has this
dumbshit haircut.
And it haunted me as a kid!
Wow, they did everything else so cool, why did they ruin it with a dumb haircut?
And that's the thing is I thought that they ruined it, but they didn't ruin it.
That's why Snake isn't Sam Fisher.
Or Alpha Protocol, that's the name of the main character from Alpha Protocol.
It's because he has a stupid haircut!
It worked!
Also in Metal Gear Solid 2, Kojima decided to give us a new player character, Raiden,
who western audiences hated because he was mopey and kind of androgynous.
So Kojima fixed this in Metal Gear Solid 4 by turning him into an ultra competent killing
machine, but then he doubled down.
And he gave him high heels and an ass that will not quit.
This is the thing about Hideo Kojima.
He understands that memory is stored in the ass.
And last but not least, Jehuty from Zone of the Enders, where its cockpit is literally
its dick.
And you sit inside of its dick.
And when it flies, the dick flips up at a 45 degree angle, and you're still in there.
So what is lesson three?
Make it uncomfortably sexy.
All of these things, at first blush, they're genuinely kind of off-putting.
But you're gonna keep thinking about 'em.
Don't like Snake's mullet?
You will.
So let's take a look at the Anthem robots and see if they are following any of these
three lessons.
Starting by looking at those digitigrade legs, one of the few really unique design elements
that Anthem brings to the robot game.
Are they big?
Eh.
Is it iconic?
I wouldn't really say they're iconic either, because all four character classes have the
weird legs, which sort of dissipates the weirdness.
And last, but not least, they're not uncomfortably sexy.
I'm very comfortable with how sexy I find them.
So with these three lessons in mind — make it big, make it iconic, make it uncomfortably
sexy — how can we spruce these bots up?
I know the game is, like, out today, so we don't have time for a lot of changes.
So I'll just make a couple suggestions for each class.
First up is the Colossus.
I feel like Bioware has already done a really good job of communicating a sense of might
and strength and overcompensation.
Honestly, the only thing that could push it further is a pair of beautiful, free-swinging,
made-in-the-USA truck nuts.
I told you we were gonna get there.
The game's roguish, the Interceptor, should have four katanas to communicate that this
warrior has studied the blade.
And they should also have a long, graceful neck for surveying the battlefield, looking for threats.
The storm should have long, magically lustrous, flowing, blonde hair.
Additionally, its body should terminate just below the waist in a Casper-like wisp to communicate
that this is a being of pure magickal energy.
The Ranger is a tricky one because they're a jack of all trades.
Their defining character is that they don't have a defining character.
So we're gonna lean into the idea that this is a renaissance man of the frontier.
We're gonna give him a few accessories that communicate that.
A big cowboy hat.
A back-slung acoustic guitar.
Bare feet.
Alright, so check out our new Javelins.
Big.
Iconic.
Sexy.
So EA, Bioware, if you want to help me remember Anthem, just mosey on down to your local truck
nuts emporium.
And tell 'em Pat sent you.
They'll know me.
I'm in there all the time.